The material presented
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Just thinking tonight how sick I've stayed for so long. I think recovery is just starting to clear some of the fog that has been over my head for YEARS! I mean, with the denial (denial, denial, denial!) and making excuses, and enabling, and all of that that I did with the A. Looking back over the past, I should have seen stuff but I CHOSE to look away.
It started when my A (himself!) told me right out, "You'd be better off without me. You should stay away from me. I'm crazy." Out of the blue. No reason. I should have trusted that he knew himself better than anyone knew him - but I thought "oh silly you....you're not crazy...you just haven't had the right woman" (HA!). Then after he PROVED to me that he wasn't functioning like a "sane" person and I called his brother for help - his brother told me that he couldn't believe that I would stay with him - that his life was a mess and I deserved so much better.
Then after he left me, his mom sent me a note apologizing for the way her son was. Then his ex wife called me (curious how he was doing) and when I told her we had split up, she wasn't surprised, and said she always felt bad about "shoving him off on me" (huh? that was news to me!) She had loved him, but couldn't deal with the many problems brought on by the alcoholism, and she wanted him out of her life.
I later talked to a girlfriend that he had after me, who also said - "He's a sweet guy, but he's loaded with problems and I couldn't be around him anymore."
And of course, there were my family members and all of my friends who told me he would bring me nothing but pain and that I should steer clear of him.
Not to mention the police officer that told me that he didn't think I needed to be wasting my time on this. The countless bill collectors that called my house looking for him - confirming to me that he was not responsible in any kind of way.
Then there's ME. With him over and over and over. What was/is lacking in my life that this person fulfilled? And he did fulfill. When I wasn't wringing my hands in anxiety over him - he was busy fulfilling something missing in me.
I recognize certain things in him that are very positive. Potential out the wazoo! More potential than almost anyone I know. But un-realized potential, so I guess that's basically worthless. But I'm drawn to what I thought was this diamond in the rough. And it's been a real challenge to let go of that.
Just curious if anyone else has as thick of a skull as I have had when it comes to hanging onto their A, despite logic and all that other people have long-since recognized about the situation. What finally convinced you to truly let go once and for all?
My ex A told me that women did not like him----that was a red flag he was giving me. I chose to ignore it. I finally let go when I could no longer trust him. The trust was gone and there was nothing to build upon without a foundation of trust. I have learned this lesson, FINALLY. Once I find out someone lies to me, then there is no need for me to go into denial and think they are miraculously trustworthy now. In the past, I would continue for years with betrayal, lies, and abuse....not today.
There has got to be at least a couple of hundred responses to your question!!
I read your post and remember the question "So how many other things do I have laying around that need fixing?" I'm a fixer. I fix other peoples broken stuff like lives and spouses and children and cars and homes and whatever. Fixers try to fix! Sometimes we fix it right and that is the problem. We look for more to fix. I get my jollies from using my inginuity to repair something that is broke and a ready cast off. Why? I just like to fix things and people and okay about everything. Great question.
When AH and I got engaged, my AH's mother said, "You're the best thing that's ever happened to him, maybe you can fix him." I took it as a compliment...doah!
For the life of me, I cannot figure out why I am hanging onto my spouse despite MY logic. It is definately one of my big struggles right now. I haven't had too much influence from others because honestly, this man has worn a mask for years. Nobody that was close to him, including and especially me, knew who he really was. I often think how someone once said to me that her husband said my husband was the type of man a dad wants his daughter to marry. Yikes! if he only knew...
I want nothing more than to completly emotionally detach. I think about it all the time and truly want to get to the point where I say, "I am done" and really be.
I don't know, R3, maybe it is not so much about having a thick skull, but more about love, loyalty, hope, seeing the good, and the determination to hang on to what we think should be. It's a tough one.
I'm still working on being convinced, but getting closer. If you figure it out how to get there, please let me know.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
my soon-to-be-ex AH offered to help me get out of my old car lease and into a new lease this week. He offered to help and I decided I needed the help. Worked out well for me. I suppose I could have waited to find someone in the fellowship to (possibly) help me instead, but it was so easy and convenient to accept his help.
DESPITE ALL THE TERRIBLE THINGS HE'S DONE DURING OUR MARRIAGE AND ESPECIALLY DURING THE DIVORCE PROCESS....!!!!
I don't understand it. I'll "keep coming back."
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
...maybe it is not so much about having a thick skull, but more about love, loyalty, hope, seeing the good, and the determination to hang on to what we think should be.
Ya see, Lou, that's exactly the hole I'm stuck in. As long as I don't have too much time on my hands to think, then I can avoid that inevitable hole that I fall into. My problem has always been that I analyze this stooooopid situation way too much. I've had years of practice. I really do believe it has to do with all of those things you listed, Lou, but it's obviously one-sided. I think he is too messed up to know much of anything these days. So I HAVE to let him go.
Thanks to all of you for allowing me to sort, sort, sort all of this mess out and try to come to grips with the reality that is my life. Sucky as it is some days.
For the most part, I am truly grateful for all the pieces/parts of my life, and I do see the glass as half full. Someday I'll make that Pavlovian connection between my A and pain. That connection just has to make it's way through this thick skull!!!!
In the meantime.......thanks for your patience. ~R3
Well I was unbelievably loyal to the A and not loyal to myself. Yet there were tons of red flags when I met the A. When did I have experience reading red flags. Now I see lots of red flags places, I do take them on. I do say I have to take action on certain things daily. Personally I do think its really super hard to take action with an active A without a program to help you. This room is a lifesaver for me. I am one year (almost in a month) out from leaving the A. In some ways I need this room more than ever as I move into survival mode after being in emergency mode for years.
I certainly had my denial. When the A acted out I committed more rather than committed less. Even after I left him last year I cared deeeply for him, and he lied, cheated, schemed and messed up some more. He never though for one second to stop using. He surrounded himself with drug users all the time always. One man he surrounded himself with hit my dog, he still went to him for things. I cannot even imagine that. He did it. By the time I stopped speaking to him he was unintelligible, insane and totally out there. All he could say was "give me!". I took a long path to getting to say no more! I did it one day at a time but I did it.
I know I would be dead around the A my health simply would not take it. My pets would be dead they would be killed in some car wreck he did (he drives recklessly) I would be living hand to mouth somewhere. He would use up every single cent in his fines, his drug use, his friends (he always had to have some of them live with him) his irresponsibilty. I think it took me for ever to see that. I raged, controlled, enabled, raged some more, raged some more nothing did any good. He crashed cars, messed up every thing and he still blamed me for all of it and still always had a million and one excuses for ever single problem he had. None of it was ever his fault and he was happy to off load it on me. There did come a time when I was tired, absolutely exhausted to the bone and totally spent when I said I could not do it anymore but there were a lot of trials along the way. I put up with his friends freeloading on us for years. I left, came back, raged and raged and raged and raged some more and grieved till I felt I could not shed another tear in my body. I did all that and I would still take him back until I got to al anon. Al anon helped me to let the denial go one day at a time. There were people in this room who listened to my inchoherence and my ranting and gave me a few tools that I used to keep myself alive psyhcologically and sometimes physically.
I could beat myself to a pulp for my denial but I came from an alcoholic home. I know alcoholics, I know insanity it feels very very familiar to me. The way I survived as a child was to stand on my head and try to work out what was going to happen next and fantasize about the life I certainly never had as an adult. I learned to be codependent as a child as a way to survive, it was one way to live rather than be destroyed by what went on around me. I survived and now I have to learn new ways to live and i"m willing. The A is not wiling but I am. Being willing is great whenever you get to there being wiling means that I'll do what a sponsor suggests rather than argue and make myself special. Being wiling means that I know I can't live like I did for one second longer.
R3, like Lou, my AH (who I am separated from) is also like a model citizen to so many people. "Nicest guy in the world". Everyone loves him. He would bend over backwards to help anyone anytime (as long as it was not me). Well, when I left that sort of cracked some. He blew up at someone else besides me and it was SUCH a relief to finally have it happen to someone else so people did not think I was nuts for leaving (super al-anon words there: more interested in what others thought than MYSELF). LOTS of people just could not understand what was wrong with me for leaving him. See, I really needed to move 4,000 miles away because as far as I am concerned lots of those people are just not people I want to spend any time with anymore, thank you very much!! But he hauled off and had a tantrum on some other people and now the word is out that he is not the sweet funny helpful good natured guy he seems to be.
My MIL said to someone at our wedding: "well thank goodness he is not my problem anymore". My AH was a really really good liar but I was also really good at digging a nice deep hole for my big fat head to stay firmly planted in the sand...I just thought we were both independent and creative and that as long as we had love, we would work everything out as two mature intelligent adults certainly would. boy was I wrong. I mean we are both smart but mature- what a joke. Throw the disease in and forget it. Great post as always R3, Hugs, J.
