The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's interesting to me how alcoholism turns our loved ones into Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.
Tuesday, AH was crabby, spiteful and pouty. Wednesday, AH was just kinda reserved and grumpy but not in attack mode. Today AH and I had lunch together and my REAL husband (at least I HOPE) - not the AH - spoke with me and told me again that he really is trying and that he's not wanting to deceive me. "I need your support to help me stay sober... this is so hard..." He seemed genuine, so I'll try to give him the benefit of the doubt. There was no "I'm only doing it for/because of you" in his statement.
I did tell him something that I hope was supportive. I told him I really admire how hard he's worked to stay sober for more than 30 days. I told him I understand it must be sheer torture at times and I think he's being amazingly strong.
I could only have said that to him, too, because of my talk with his brother the other day. His brother told me as an A, his body is SCREAMING for alcohol every day. And I put that into my own perspective of something I could possibly relate to - for me, I'm a total sugar addict (which in its own way on chemical levels interacts with the body much like alcohol). I'll go long periods of time without, but when I fall back and have just a little too much of the sweet stuff, my body starts screaming for it, too... and when I fight the urges or if I have a strong urge but nothing sugary available to me, I become agitated and irritable.
AH told me that he goes through some days where he's sweating like crazy and gets huge headaches... yeah... withdrawal symptoms.
So, I'm glad for the reminder that what he's trying to do isn't easy. I'm glad, too, that today at least, he seems to be interested in caring about himself. He told me he talked with his brother today... I'm wondering if his brother, after talking with me, decided to give him a call and just talk with him. I know he didn't (and would NEVER) break the confidentiality of my conversation with him, but I sure appreciate his backup in working with my AH in his own way - so long as he doesn't get sucked in and start wanting to play rescuer - but I don't think he would. He seems very secure with himself.
Of course - that was lunch time. Who knows what evening will hold!
there is an example of a marriage that might be worth staying in. To have an experience like that- some humility and kindness and gentleness, gee, that would be a HUGE red-letter day with my AH in my book. To even hear that he cares, is trying, etc. wow, what a revelation that would be! Those days are long gone for me and my AH. Enjoy them while you can aloha! hugs and love in serenity, J.
Okay you got a revelation with the sugar/alcohol thingy. We are all compulsive in some way or another. Try this now...try using the program to break your sugar (addiction?) compulsion and come off of sweets including the synthetics like Splenda. To the splenda comparison I was just speaking with a recovering friend of mine and asked him if he remembers the Neer Beer era. He replied "yes" and there is no Near Beer. I had to laugh because that is exactly the idea that I and several of my drinking buddies came to after testing the product. It was about alcohol and was always about alcohol and what it did to us and for us while inside of us.
So go try that sugar thing and see what comes of it.
((((hugs)))) to you and your struggling hubby and your recovering bro in law.
Oh Jerry......give up sugar AND splenda???? That's fighting words!!! lol I definitely understand the body craving a substance - and I so sympathize with it.
Good for you Aloha for staying supportive with a husband that sounds like he's working hard at his program.
I know Jerry - I know... but I haven't reached step one with the Sugar Addicts Anonymous - that I'm powerless over it and it has made my life unmanageable!
Gosh darnit - I can eat twenty snickers bars and still be able to drive afterwards. >:(
I think right now I just want to focus on just getting myself to ALWAYS know I'm powerless over alcohol.
I was thinking, during my meeting tonight, about that step one. I'm powerless over alcohol... but can alcohol, too, be powerless over ME in regards to how I learn to not react to it (in the sense of the disease speaking through my husband)? Or is that dangerous self-righteous thinking that I should throw in the trash before I get too stuck on that?
... I shoulda never mentioned the sugar thing... LOL. (But my HP tells me "K, but you KNOW it's true.........")
Excellent turn of phrase! You know you have to work on the idea that you are powerless over alcohol, but also wonder if alcohol can become powerless over you!
I never really thought about it like that! At first I took it to mean the alcohol itself, because I hated alcohol! Didn't want to have anything to do with it. But I have gotten to a place now, where the alcohol itself doesn't "control" me anymore. Then I read your clarification.."in the sense of the disease speaking through my husband".
My answer to that question is yes. By working the steps. By wrenching control of ourselves, the way we think, the way we react, back from the people and things we have given ourselves away to, those people and things lose their power over us. It takes time. It takes work. It takes practice.
I sometimes feel the powerful temptation when I see a friend drinking to start "worrying" about it. But I quickly do a gut check, look for what part of this has anything to do with me and continue forward!
Thanks for getting my brain jump started this morning.
Oh and the sugar thingy....sheese...with me it is those danged diet soft drinks!
Interesting idea about whether alcohol loses its power over us.
For me I think the answer is yes - and no.
As I work the program, I become better at not being susceptible to the "isms". I have tools that I have a better idea how to use in my own situation. But this doesn't mean the isms stop tempting me! I am always susceptible to the risk of giving that power back to alcohol, every time I don't use my tools.
On a somewhat different note, I also came to alanon when my AH was newly sober and had lost his drivers license (a development which I believe he felt as a direct blow to his manhood). Naturally my own determination was that I would do anything to help him, so I didn't think twice about driving him to meetings, even when I didn't really feel like it. (Luckily for me, he never tried to pull the driving without a license thing. I don't know what I would have done if he had.)
However, as I spent more time in alanon and started to learn to differentiate between what was "my stuff" to take care of and what was "his stuff" (you're kidding, right? It's not all "my stuff"? I'm only making sure... etc, etc) it occurred to me (perhaps with comments from others in alanon, I don't remember) that getting himself to meetings was "his stuff". So one day I told him, "I don't mind driving you to meetings sometimes - but I mind driving you ALL the time, and I mind you just assuming that I will drive you." He wanted to know why - I think he was kinda hurt. And I said, "I think it's important for you to know that you can do this for yourself." Now those words would never in a million years have come out of my mouth before alanon.
So what happened? He started asking more guys at meetings for their phone number. He had to, because he had to call and ask them for a ride. And he did this, and I think did start to learn he could do this for himself. But so much more happened than what I had foreseen. For one thing, asking for the phone numbers in itself was an exercise for him in reaching out for help. For another, when he was riding to & from meetings with other members of AA, he was talking with them not only at the meeting itself but also on the ride there and back, giving him more recovery talk than he was getting before. For a third - okay, I did predict this one - he is now one of the guys newbies call when they need a ride, and he is happy to do it.
I guess all of this comes back to - both programs are a journey. We don't graduate - but we do get better at navigating the bumps & hairpin turns, as long as we keep practicing.
I did the same thing with my AH probably a couple weeks into his recovery. I told him I can't keep dropping everything to take him to meetings. I have no problem giving him a ride every now and then - and especially if I'm off to an Al-anon meeting at the same time - but I can't be doing it FOR him ALL the time.
It set him off on a real hurt feelings tantrum. I got a lot of "If you loved me you would!" kind of garbage from his mouth. I finally got him to think about how he can get himself to and from meetings by saying "Well, what would you do if this had all happened if you lived by yourself?"
He still fought it and tried to make me feel guilty, but after he finally calmed down he told me if he lived on his own, he'd move closer to town so he can get to the meetings easier.
Bingo! So that's what we did (and believe me, I was HAPPY to move from our old place - I really didn't like it there much). It was a great solution all around for us, too - we're both closer to work so he can now get to work without depending on me, and we're both closer to a lot more AA and Al-anon meetings now.
In any case, though, AH remains fiercely independent, so instead of getting to know other AA members, he's already run off and got a personal loan from the bank so he could buy himself a moped. I think it's a good idea and it's NOT a good idea. Like you said, the moped robs him of opportunities to reach out to other AA members for assistance and spend more time talking with them riding to and from meetings.
But, on the other hand the moped is a good thing for me, so when AH wants to go run weird errands, he's not always asking me and I'm not put into situations where I'm either going to be helpful or be in a mood where I'd rather not and then have to deal with his being all mad at me because he refuses to walk.
I can't control him, though - can't control if he gets a moped and therefore loses the opportunity to connect with other AA members. Can't control if he takes that moped to the bar. Can't control, cant' control, can't control! Just have to focus on myself. Me me ME, dangit!
