The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know for me this date was a huge thing because I have stopped just jumping into relationships looking for a respite from chaos. When I met the A I was on the run from another relaitonship nothing like as bad as him but I was running. I was also really wanting somene to take care of me and I see that now as a core charactor defect. Before I saw it as something that was acceptable. I realise now it makes me incredibly vulnerable.
I think I was also really seduced by the A. He was really "there" for me, very helpful and very keen. Day one he made it clear he wanted it all on his terms and I did not see it. When he sulked I thought it was sweet and did not see that as immature behavior. I also did know that when I met him he was driving on a suspended license. I saw none of that as red flag at all I was too busy wanting to be taken care of. I abdicated my role and lost myself in the process. I had many many many red flags from the A early on in the relationship. I simply did not know what to do and I had some crazy idea that I could deal with them. I couldn't and they all just got worse. The A also projected all hsi problems over the last girlfriend he had. He made a great song and dance over it.
My ideas about love are not practical, not sensible, dripping in sentimentality and fantasy and I have not lived in reality for a long long tme. When I couldn't have my fantasy I fumed and raged and raged some more. I can hardly say I was mature.
Perhaps now I am finally getting to maturity. When I meet someone who is manipulative (as this man was on the weekend) pushy (he kept pushing at all those boundaries after all he is the only one who gets to need) and not responsible I dont' think I can cure them. I move away and that is the first healthy response I've had in years. I didn't drown in his problems I put myself in the equation rather than abandoned myself one more time.
Just a few minutes ago I had this pair in my office. A guy and a girl and they were sister and brother. The brother has HIV thus he was the one who needed to see me. The entire time, almost every question I asked they would both reply, her louder than him until the point that he just gave up. The entire time I looked at him when I was talking. Trying to make it clear non verbally that I was asking him and not her. She was overbearing and almost to the point of being obnoxious.
I have been this way, answering for others.
Reminds me of a post the other day about giving advice in the grocery store LOL. I will be much more careful after today not to talk for others. I will give this much more attention. I was really annoyed and almost felt like asking her to leave the room until we were done. From my perspective it looked like she thought he was completely incapable of taking care of himself even down to the basics of answering personal questions like birthdate, and SSN, etc. I kinda felt sorry for him but I'm guessing he's been dealing with it his whole life. It made me feel kinda sick to my stomach.
M, I used to run from relationship to relationship, also. I just thought that this was what everyone did. LOL!! I did not get a "breather" in between being involved until I was in my late 30's when I was dating like 5 guys at one time just to see what it was like!!! Now that is SICK! But better late than never, I guess, to figure any of this stuff out. I am grateful I am figuring out some stuff and not taking it to my grave. I am a late bloomer and a slow cooker BIG TIME. Hugs, J.
I was completely enmeshed with the A. He pulled me in huge time on the truck issue. Now I would not step in and help someone with an issue like that. Back then I was totally idealistic and really delusional. He loved to pull me in like that and really it was only last year I stopped being played like a violin. I had my part in it incredible abandonment issues, being stuck on saving him and more. Real control issues and fear fear fear. I also had a real delusion that he could be saved and would in turn "save"me.
I am incredibly aware now when i feel manipulated and for once I see a red flag.
I do have friends/housemates who think they know what is right for everyone. I am aware that is not necessarily healthy (talk about coming from a dysfunctional family) you would have to have two heads to seem dysfunctional to me.
Awareness is so painful for me. I feel incredibly naive and lost.
I was a great codependent I could fix everyone and felt so superior when I was rescuing. Now I feel lost without a map.
I'm starting to see things in others and recognize them as manipulative that I didn't before and that is huge growth for me. My ex-husband and his family is on supervised visitation with my daughter, who is 10, because I caught her father watching child porn, and his father, my daughter's grandfatther s*x**lly abused his son from the time he was 4 till 11. All the family is on supervised visitation with my daughter and the sister wanted to by-pass this issue and have her daughter and mine see each other in a different setting. This is not possible, she is very manipulative and after saying no they had to go through the protocal, the way it was set up, she tried again to see if a different date would work for me to meet her totally ignoring what was said. I told her it was for the safety of both the children and if she didn't understand that it was her problem. I'm seeing how even the member of the family that I thought wasn't involoved in the manipulation is involved also and I'm so glad thaat I have my program to clear the air for me to see new things so I can make better choices with my life and that of my daughteeer.
