The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After all the posts regarding my A and then the problems with my kids I have come to this conclusion.
I have my own problems to deal with and my kids' problems to deal with and I don't have the time or energy to worry about whether he wants to see any of the kids or not. I'm not putting another ounce of energy into it.
I was supposed to meet him tomorrow for lunch. He knows my phone number and I'm going to let it be on him to call and arrange any visits. I'm not calling and if he wants to see them he can call me. I suspect that he will just blow it off because as Serendipity said I think it's all about getting TO me not WITH them. I will not stand in the way nor will I take on the responsibility for it.
The disaster of my kids' behavior and school problems has pretty much washed away my thoughts of dealing with him. That seems so small and insignificant in comparison to the daunting task of getting my kids into counseling and figuring out how to live with my oldest daughter - which will most certainly require work on my part!
So I'm pulling my head out of trivial bs land and trying to refocus on what's important.
It's very healthy that your letting him be responsible for arranging to see his kids that is HIS responsiblity. Putting first things first with your kids is of utmost importance, cudos to you for recognizing that. My thoughts and prayers are with you and don't forget Boundaries with Kids by Cloud and Townsend is a good read.
I put so much energy into the A particularly last summer. You were one person who really confronted me that I was not taking care of me. I would probably still be bailing him out if not for this board.
I do understand how they can get in under the radar. I find that really hard. I am also aware I am incredibly vulnerable. Boundaries do not come naturally to me after all I had none all my life.
I think its also really hard to let go of the fantasy that they will get well. One of the inane thoughts that came up for me when I was out on the "date" was the A is supposed to get better. This date means he is not going to, I am moving on and giving up on his getting better and coming back and being he man he was meant to be.
I couldn't quite formulate my thoughts around responding to your post, but I could see that your children are hurting big time and they just want their "mom," who's back is up against the wall.
I was thinking that perhaps you could talk to your supervisor or Human Resources and/or your Employee Assistance Program to get help outlining a way that you can work but help your children who desperately need you. Sometimes we just need to open our mouths and ask for help.
I kept thinking of Dr. Phil's analogy of "if your house is on fire, you don't just sit around and wait for something to change it, you get the heck out" regarding the children. Their behavior is their way of showing you that they are on fire. I know your job is important to keep food on the table and a roof over their heads. I also know that you need peace and serenity on the inside of the house which is the people who live there. I think, though kids won't admit it, if they see their parents "stepping up to the plate" and doing everything humanly possible (w/out enabling them) to make their lives right, they will turn it around. It will take some time and patience. Trust will be built not upon words but by actions.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, yours in recovery, Maria
-- Edited by Maria123 at 12:24, 2008-02-28
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Thanks maria, good analogy LOL. Reminds me of the incredibles baby. Kids on fire and all. I feel like the babysitter at this point all frazzled sitting on a chair with an extinguisher waiting for the next fire. Things will be better at work in a few weeks, it's just hard now because I'm making up time. Later I will be back to 4 days a week at my regular job.
(((carolinagirl)))) Yes, I think they aren't really that interested in the children either. Somewhere in their hearts if they still have one, they might but everything with an alcoholic has an ulterior motive! They are always trying to do something and be one step ahead so as to hurt us. If they feel that we get one step ahead of them they just go and get drunker than ever or go on a 3 day spree!! It's almost like they say to themselves, "Alright then, you aren't falling for my trickery, so I am just going to get so smashed off my face that you'll be sorry!" And then they get even madder when you don't live with them anymore and they can't make you suffer their benders!! IT'S THEN THAT WE ALANONS CAN LAUGH OUT LOUD A LOT!!! LOLAL!! SB.
and ask for help.