The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last week I had planned to visit a young couple & baby but we were unable to find any time to visit except in an hour that very day and I ended up having them to our home to join us for supper. I expected they would stay for just a couple hours as they needed to put the baby to bed so that is why I couldn't visit with them after dinner. hmmm, anyways they stayed for 3+ hours and I loved it, my kids loved it and though surprised, my AH was very pleasant. I had no time to contact him about the sudden plans. It was a great evening and it wasn't until they left that I could detect that AH had started drinking earlier.
He was so pleasant to everyone, except to me he was intimidating and nasty about everything when everyone was gone or out of ear shot. He would goof around with the kids and then come and say something rotton to me. I didn't expect to be entertaining for 3 hours tonight! and stare at me arrogantly. I said nothing because I had nothing to apologize for, it's my house too. It drove me nuts how he could flip from nice to mean so quickly and secretly. After the kids were in bed and he was more drunk, I finally stopped his comments and said I can talk about this tomorrow. He slammed the bedroom door and woke one of the kids. I felt safer sleeping in my kid's room.
So I felt good I didn't engage and the next two days I sat in the same room to give him an opportunity to talk about anything with me. I shared something small about the family but both times he didn't bring anything up and was his normal non responsive. He always feels lots of problems work themselves out and don't need to be solved unless they are brought up again so I used his logic and didn't bring it up. I also didn't share the mirror that when he tries to intimidate me, I feel frightened. He is so unpredictable when I don't acquiesce or go along with what he thinks I should do, like apology etc - this is really upsetting his apple cart.
Now he's gone for business travel 6 days and I forget what it is like when he is home - the old head in the sand fantasy that it is or will be better when he returns. That is why I have shared this - to remember. His increased intimidation makes me realize how much I have let him dictate my life - I am not a stupid person. How did I let this happen????
At least I am angry about this again because with the absense and time, I have felt good and enjoyed more of each day though I am exhausted all the time. It is easy to slip back into thinking that this functional drinker is a social drinker and I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. But then I see the aisms and have learned about emotional/verbal abuse here at MIP that is so sneaky. I do attend f2f and have a meeting with my sponser tomorrow, so that will help.
Heard some songs on American Idol like don't let our love slip away and others that played with my mind. He acts normal on the phone but yet like I am so fragile.... I guess I am. It must be a typical A dance because when I feel warm towards him for things he helps with, then he is mean, if I walk away detached, then he seems to act like I am sick or fragile again. It is all so confusing and may be part of this verbal abuse. I know not enough.
How can we find sanity in the insanity of I love him, I'm angry, I'm distant, I'm overreacting, he's distant, he's manipulating and on and on and on. I do appear to be the sickest one in this house yet I had someone tell me I was the healthiest because I was trying to get healthy which would promote health for my family. Somedays I think I am truely going very very crazy and sometimes I think if I am the healthiest in this family, man are we a mess of psycological melt down. I am a lump! I am only a rock when I am angry be it frustration, or any minor or major level of anger. I am impatient to feel better but like all things with the business travel it is transitions back and forth from yuck to maybe..................now I am just blathering. I am just so discouraged with my progress. ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Ain't it the pits? You described the disease and the isms perfectly. I would think that I hated the bad behavior and wished for more of the good behavior. Then it dawned on me, no hit me on the head, that the good and the bad are both the disease. It comes from the same person. With My Ahsober the good (let me help you with that) is a set-up to ding me with something bad (never loved you). I think that is why they tell us to detach.
You so described the existence, swings and round-abouts, highs and lows that was my life with my A and as he was also one to be away from months at a time in between due to work I too felt so confused with how it really was.
WHAT'S MORE, I convinced myself it was me who was failing, that I had no marital skills, was unhealthy, psychologically screwed up, fragile and pathetically incapable of making it as a good wife and skilled parent and the rest. The fact that I had a very responsible full time job. kept house together, parented on a single parent basis most of the time for the first 15years of my children's lives, whilst studying and graduating for an BSc (Hons) Degree, and did a tip-toe walking on egg-shells financially crippled balancing act around the A, et el...blah blah blah, just did not convince me otherwise, which with hindsight should have told me that I was not the incapable human being that I put myself down as.
I think you are great, and I see you walking that road to healthier living even if you don't yet see it. You are getting there, and in the short time I have been here and read your posts I see you working it - as I read on here - I love these 'americanisms' they are just so cute - there I go again.
Dang it - as Debilyn would say - hang in there you are doing - okay kid - as my 96 year old English Rose friend says to me whenever we talk on the telephone!
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Take a deep breath. Just some awarenesses...This didn't happen to you over night. This is a progressive disease; it took time and since it is so subtle you could have never seen it coming all at once toots, whistles and steam. Now it's here and you have answers and support system. You have the suggestions follow up on them. Get to as many face to face meetings in the next 6 days as you can and keep coming back here.
You're doing great with what you already have and recovery gets better still...much better.
This disease is also very cunning powerful and baffling so when you think you've been hoodwinked you have. When you feel tired and bruised all over, mind, body spirit and emotions you've been dueling with a disease that has blown up peaceful situations and when you find yourself asking those "how can it..." questions you in the middle of baffling. Still you are doing very well from your post. Keep coming back with an open mind and you find that there is not situation that cannot be bettered and no unhappiness to great to be lessened.
I loved the part, "So I felt good and didn't engage for two days." That's how we win this battle. Don't engage with it...take care of only what needs taking care of with us...3c's, HALT, slogans, steps, traditions, concepts of service, sponsor, service at home groups etc.
You're so worth serenity. Go get it. (((((hugs)))))
I only get one life as far as I know. I'd rather spend it happy than miserable. Of course I didn't really realize how miserable I was until I left. I know it can't all be a bed of roses but I think if there is more of one than the other then that points the direction. More good, it might be worth working for, more bad, might be better to save myself before I waste any more of my one life. I couldn't think that clearly when I was in the midst of it though.
Discouraged with your progress???? Are you kidding??? I read your whole post thinking "wow! she is doing great! Awarness, acceptence, those are huge, imoprtant hurdles to overcome." And there you are recognizing the patterns with him and your reactions. You did it differently this time!!! THAT IS PROGRESS DDUB!!!! That is awsome and exactly what this program is about!!!
You are no longer the sickest one in the house. You might have been (past tense) but today, you are choosing to look at the dysfunction and do something about it! Sure it is hard as hell especially when you are the only one changing. But it is so very worth it. Hang in there ((((((DDUB))))) you are working it! You Rock!!!
Gosh I really took on being the sick one for years. I became totally depressed and immobilized. You have such a great grasp on addiction. The issue for me was it was progressive. The A became much worse. Certain stressors like illness and his mother running off and getting married out of the blue took him over the edge and he never made it back up.
I did get tremendous help here and I know when I began to disengage it was helpful. For me disengaging was survival because the A totally lost it and lost everything and I would have been drowned by his behavior otherwise.
I think living with an active A can be like a minefield. I don't have much expectations when I am around anyone I perceive to have an addiction. Expectation is everything. For me personally my fantasy life was huge. I could see the A turning a corner at every venture. I lived ate and breathed fantasy for years. I fantasied leaving and his being devastated. He wasn't of course, he merely merged off with some other drinking and drugging pals. I doubt he noticed personally except he did not have me as the whipping person anymore.
I think as much as I claimed I didn't I also bought into his fantsies of not dealing with problems. He fobbed stuff off procrastinated, dreamed, blamed people acted out. I got so incredibly caught up in that. I lived ate and breathed fear, that was so difficult to live with and be with. If I was in fantasy I was absolutely terrorized with fear.
My worse fears came true of course the A totally collapsed lost everything was ill, destitute, homeless, mentally ill, living in a truck (which he later destoyed). They were some huge fears. I went through all of them. I barely survived.
The rollercoaster is a hard one but you are there in awareness. You have some respites. I had some times away from the A (when I left on business or when he left on a binge) I felt they barely gave me breathing room.
Keep posting and keep working on your plan b (do you have one?). When I started to make a plan b things really changed for me the focus was finally off him.
DD, I can so relate to your post. I thought about making my AH a t-shirt: one side would say: SHUT UP BIT*H (he would yell that to me regularly) and the other side would say : PLEASE LOVE ME (he would also say this sometimes).
Truly Dr. J and Mr. H. Gets to the point where you cannot trust either of them- you know when they are acting nice and friendly and pleasant that the other shoe will fall perhaps in less than 15 seconds.
I can so relate. I have had 2 YEARS off of needing to live with this and I am heading back into it in a couple of months although we will not be living together, thank god.
If we stay, we need meetings. If we leave, we need meetings. I know I will always need meetings, for the rest of my life. I think you are not insane, my dear. You are just frustrated and doing the best that you can. Just keep attending meetings and reading the literature and coming here. I so appreciate your posts and how you articulate what I have experienced. Your posts make me feel less alone, thank you for posting DD. Hugs, J.
DDub - I can so relate to your posts. My A wasn't verbally abusive - just so damn moody. One minute we're having a great time laughing. The next minute he was wanting to be alone. Are we coming or are we going? I never knew. I was recently re-reading some of our instant message conversations (we had many loooong IM conversations since he was overseas). I was re-reading them to try to get a clue about ANYTHING. (Silly me - there are no clues to anything, no answers there at all, just nothing at all). Anyway - in one of the last online conversations we had, we spent a good bit of time playing with each other (flirting? playing? being silly? ya know...) Finally he wrote, "I needed that laugh." And I wrote "Me too. You're fun." To which he responded, "You too. Time's flying, though. It's getting late here and I really ought to go." And it WASN'T really late either. I was left feeling like, "what just happened here?" We went from enjoying ourselves to him wanting to "disappear". With no explanation. Very typical. And once he closed a conversation.....it was CLOSED. THE END. No more talking. He wouldn't get ugly - but it was over. The wall around him would grow unbelievably deep, and I could no longer reach him. Then the next day, he would be all chatty and happy again. And this happened when he was 11 months sober. Once the alcohol would get re-introduced, the insanity of the mood swings would REALLY heighten.
That's why I know that the only path to sanity for me is this program. And I'm FOREVER grateful to you and everyone here who shares their stories and makes me realize that I'm not the only person experiencing these feelings. Without having a program, trying to maneuver our lives with an A is like walking through the "fun house" at the fair. Ya know....the one with the moving floors and the crazy mirrors? It's very hard to do.
