The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went out on a date on Saturday and pretty quickly gave up my boundaries. What was meant to be coffee became an all day thing. At first I was happy. That was the stuff of my dreams before. Merge merge merge. Now I am clear that I need a lot of help and feedback before I test the dating world again. So much for my fantasy of merging again.
I am really clear I slip into people pleasing like automatic clockwork. I am also clear that for once I have a firm grip on my needs. One is to be real clear on my needs and wants rather than to give myself up again and lose myself in the process.
Oh it's so hard to KNOW how we're doing until we test the waters, isn't it? I mean, in the laboratory - things seem to be working just fine, but once we get out in an "uncontrolled" environment....well, that's the true test. And I wonder how poorly you really did? Okay you may have felt the pangs of "merge merge merge", but look at you right now....you RECOGNIZE that and realize that's not healthy for you. You didn't simply merge merge merge, did you? Half the battle is stepping outside of a situation enough to realize what we're doing. The other half is actually working to correct it. So you're 3/4 of the way there, girl!!!
And I don't think it's abnormal or unhealthy to want to "connect" with someone after all you've been through. Not merge....."connect" - and I do think there's a difference. Did you have a good time? Did you enjoy yourself? You didn't mention that you're doing his laundry or fixing his car or paying his bills....so apparently you didn't merge. You're doing fine!!!
thank you for the feedback. I think I can snap my fingers and not merge. I have let this man know I am not available and just not feeling well. Hopefully he will back off. So much for my merging fantasies.
I agreee with round 3 marseie, don't beat yourself up, just pace yourself and THINK, THINK, THINK (slogan) but that doesn't mean you can't have a good time and say no next time. Be easy on you and have a good day!
I'm glad you had fun. I know what you are talking about...quickly giving up ourselves to be accepted by someone. The awareness you have is great. Do you remember not even being aware before? Progress, eh?
My counselor (yes I do have one!!) suggested that I re-read Steven Covery "The 7 habits of Successful People." Why because it's good for people with ADHD who cannot or willnot (better) focus. He cited (because I have read that great book before) that I should focus on "Start with the end in mind". Why? because when I forget what it is that I am intending I get lost to what will eventually happen and more often than not that means I'm not going to appreciate what happened. I am responsible for me and what becomes of me. My family once warned a first time date of mine that I was compulsive and that she might not arrive at where she planned if she let me have the reins. She told me this while I was taking her home from a family dinner and I asked her, "Like where do you think you'd end up?" "Some where not home" was her reply and sure enough though we were only about 10 miles max from her home we ended up in Lake Tahoe/Reno 160+ miles in the opposite direction over a route I had never taken before and didn't remember much of taking at all. I need to know myself as well as my family does and accept that as factual so I can learn to change in positive ways. Denial is not a good education support.
I am better today and part of that because I am surrounded by the Pacific. If I go 300+ plus miles either right of left...I will end up back home. Are I not a good planner or not? It was my plan to come back home and now it takes an airplane or two to wind up in Tahoe. I am not compulsed to do that anymore.
Keep yer wits about you and focus focus focus. (((((hugs)))))
Yeah, I had a long, "mergy", cosmic conversation with a guy at a party the other night. It was pretty incredible. But then, I left!! I had had enough. I am finished with that kind of thing. Its fun but its also pretty weird to me now and I can see it differently: its toxic. We were both baiting each other with the smoke and mirrors stuff- pleasing each other. Like I said, it was very fun but it dosen't mean I need to drop kick my life and follow him around. Its not a sign from god. Its just a conversation. Its long gone.
I like what Debilyn once said about relationships/partners- if they are meant to be, they will keep turning up in your life one way or another. If not, they won't!! J.
I'm jealous, I want a date! I did firmly maintain boundaries on the last one though and it worked out well for me if you remember my story about my birthday.
Well the good thing is that I do see red flags now. This guy had plenty of them. One was being demanding. Making coffee into a whole weekend thing was his focus. I was like some innocent naive person. In the beginning it seemed nice that he wanted to spend time with me then I felt manipulated.
What is good for me is that I no longer think I am here to fill other people's needs.
I do have to really really look at my fantasies though, they drive me. I have huge huge fantasies of fairy godfather, being rescued, not having problems, being given to and they are not at all reality based. This guy gave to me on the weekend, he was generous about lunch, movies, bought food for me on Sunday (which I didn't want) but he wanted a great deal for it and I simply don't have that to give. Talk about crash landing.
I am happy to say he's backed off. I am just going to tell him I am not feeling well. I did think about being honest but I am just going to say I am not well. He is manipulative and I know where I get being honest with someone like that.
Hi Mary, I am impressed you are dating. Not that long ago you were very afraid of being out and away from the A. Your self worth was shot.
It is soooooo cool you are allowing yourself to shine.No surprise to me you are dating.
Hey it was a date. Does not have to be anything more than it was.Isn't it cool how we now can see the red flags?
Wish ya felt better. I finally bit the bullet and made an app.for an eye exam at Walmart. I decided I knew I would follow thru since it is right in my tiny town, the people are so nice.
Even picked out my frames. A person can make two payments then get them.
Didn't you say you needed them also? It is so apparent you are working your program.Mar you have a tough life.But you keep on going.Making goals and attaining them.
Geez I sure know how it is.gads.It is so hard to be a woman alone. If you don't have a child, there are not too many services out there to help you.
I know you still miss your cat. It is hard to lose our animal family too.
Maybe once you get to a better space you will adopt a kitten or two.Nothing is so much fun as watching two kittens.
How are your dogs and other cat? How big is your room anyway? Mine is fourteen by sixteen. When, well hopefully this summer, the roof is right,I can use my sitting room and laundry, that adds like twenty eight by sixteen.
I hope hp will help me.
Sooooo glad you are here and sharing your path.
You do amaze me with your tenacity in such a tiny package. hugs hon,debilyn
we all need to pick ourselves up and make a new start; hopefully, we each see things that we haven't been able to before, and can effectively evaluate whether we have progressed, regressed, or stayed the same.
sounds like you had the courage to step out and see progress
with love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
