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Whew, I had a rough night last night. I'm exhausted because I could hardly sleep on top of it after I went to bed.
AH wanted to take the car and drive himself to an AA meeting. I told him I didn't like the idea of his driving without a license and said I'd take him.
Everything from that point forward turned into a big drama with AH. The REAL reason I didn't want him driving himself was because I frankly don't trust him, and second to that, I didn't want to be without a car if I needed it for any reason. I tried to avoid telling AH it was a trust thing because I knew it would disintegrate into a "ooh poor me, why should I even bother then" whine-fest from my AH. But, well, I fell into the drama and told him... and well... the expected happened. "Poor me. Why should I even bother then?" blah blah blah.
So, anyhow it came close the time when we should leave to take him to his AA meeting and I told him "let's go", and of course now he doesn't want to go. So, that was it. I'd had it. I knew I was at a dangerous point myself where I'd start hammering on him about his problems, so I stopped myself and just told him I was leaving for a while.
Didn't know where I wanted to go... just wanted to talk to someone. By that time the local Al-anon meeting was half-way over itself, and by the time I'd get up to it, it would be the end of the meeting. I got in my car on the driveway. Called a local friend, but she wasn't available (not an AA or Al-anon member, either, though). And then I just decided to take a risk and call my AH's brother who's an active AA member (sober 4 years in April) and an Al-anon member to boot. I never left the house - just sat in the car on the driveway and talked with AH's brother for a good hour. It was such a relief to reach out to him. What an admirable man, and it was great talking with someone who knows both programs, actively works the steps, AND loves and cares about his brother but at the same time is in that healthy place knowing he can't do anything for his brother and that regardless whatever happens to his brother, HE's going to be okay. His brother's alcoholism cannot effect him. Jesus - that's the person I want to be. So, it was a godsend talking to him.
I was able to go back into the house after our conversation and just be calm. I walked with my HP, didn't try to confront my AH, and instead busied myself with unpacking a few things, thinking about how much I LOVE the new place we're living in, and then took out my How Al-Anon Works book and did some more reading and made a game plan to hit as many Al-anon meetings as I can for the next week starting from today (but, grrr - no Wednesday Al-Anon meetings anywhere here!! - so plan #2 is to read more Al-anon material at the very least tonight, or connect spiritually some more with my HP).
AH is still mad at me this morning... but right now... I just don't care. I'm putting forth the effort to not blame the man for his behavior... I'm blaming the disease.
I also came to realize something last night that I'd been trying to ignore and deny - my AH is still within the full grip of the disease. It is very, VERY likely he's going to go back to drinking. Every day, he internalizes a laundry list of excuses for why he should be able to go back to drinking, and I'm sure the disease is going to convince him of it sooner or later.
AH's brother just hammered it into me: "K, you need to get to your Al-anon meetings, get a sponsor, and work the steps. Your life depends on it." He's right. It does.
aloha, that was a great post- what a great example of how to work it. Thank you so much for your post. That point of reaching out was so key- we have these tools and we gotta use em!! You are right, your life does depend on it- working the program, going to meetings, sponsor, etc.
Just a really fantastic post that I am sure most of us can relate to- thanks again for taking the time to put it down for the rest of us to read.
Last night in my al-anon group we had an aa speaker. it was the son of one of our regular members. It was so incredible. That meeting was so magickal- it was a really great meeting. It took a lot of courage for that young man to step into an al-anon meeting, a room so full of hurt and anger about alcoholism and addiction. And I sat next to the young man and boy, I could just see it and he said it was true and so did his mom: RELAPSE is just in there waiting to pounce at any given SECOND. It really truly is: it is RIGHT THERE. He spoke of how he prepared and planned for his relapses, etc. He spoke of what an expert liar he is- to himself, his parole officer, his parents, his therapist. Everyone believed him when he said he was not using. He has been clean and sober and in recovery for 4 years now but even so, its right there for them- wow, I am so filled with compassion this morning after listening to him. I think I have it bad but thank god I do not have the giant gorilla of alcohol or drug addiction on my back for my entire life. What a horrible disease!!! Hugs, J.
Thank you so much for posting this Aloha. It just rang bells for me all the way through so I was relating to your evening so much. One big difference is I learned just now that I still am not totally out of the woods with my denial. It is so easy to get complacent. It seems like the drama always gets started with a tiny thing and it's like the A has an un conscious plan to get to what they do or don't want to do. It is frightening how tight a grip this disease has on them.
Unfortunately, your posting made me see how tight a grip my disease has on me because I had a similar drama last week but I did a lot less than I could have, as you have demonstrated and it makes me see how I am still sticking my head in the sand about a lot of things so I don't make waves. I have so much to learn and I will. Thanks so much for giving me an "a ha" moment today.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Way to work your program!! I forget sometimes that I have a phone list from my home group for a reason and that part of my recovery is picking up that phone and calling someone when I am in crisis. Thanks for the reminder!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Excellent...something I can learn from every step of the way. Old timers love new comers because they are the life of this program!! And yes there are meetings this evening...a bit out of reach but still there. I will take your heart with me tonight at 7PM to the Wednesday night, Turning Point Al-Anon Family Group Hilo meeting. We will comfort your heart while I'm saving my butt. I have inventoried my relationship with a sponsee and like others in recovery have allowed this sponsee to play peek-a-boo in the program; coming out from behind covers with a cute smile on sponsee's face and just patronizing like crazy. Sponsee has been using people up and hasn't returned my phone calls and this morning another member comes to me with an "I don't know what to do" statement. The member certainly doesn't know what to do as this member just came in from the rain (relapse) itself and sponsee was applying some responsibility heat to the member..."I was there for you man..." Sponsee relapsed and this time it will be a long swim. Sponsee can make it if Sponsee is willing and has the capacity to be honest (use the program and not the people) otherwise sponsee will continue to be loved right into sponsee's grave, jail, prison, hospital, other institutions or sponsee's very next meeting. Sponsee knows why it has stayed away from sponsor. Sponsor has some hard-time recommendations to make and if they are not acted on as requested in the time requested sponsee will be fired and only supported by his using group waiting for the next handbasket to hell. His choice...his consequence...his disease...his program...his life. "Tough Love time"; sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. My HP is at work on it right now. I'm gonna go to a meeting.
Wow this thread has really been an eye opener for me. Thanks Aloha for posting it, and to all of you for your ESH. Helps to put things in perspective. I didn't quite see it from the A's point of view as far as relapsing is concerned, Jean. I do remember once asking my Dad which was harder for him quitting smoking or drinking, during the time when he was still working his own program and before he relapsed for the last time. He looked at me as though I was crazy, then said "Honey the smoking didn't even come close"
Hugs,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
