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I got out of the shower this morning and the daycare lady was in my house there to tell me that my middle child has been stealing from her and lying about it....
I have been having issues with my children and my parenting for a while now and just can't seem to get things in line. I can sum it up in a few words after thinking through this for a while.
My oldest child behaves like an alcoholic, she's a bully, never has a kind thing to say to her sister, nothing is ever her fault, she refuses to apologize or walk away from a dispute and is overflowing with resentment. She's just plain mean, she doesn't like to get hugs and kisses she's very cold and doesn't like to experience feelings - she's 13.
My middle child lies and steals, she refuses to do anything that she's told and frequently does the exact opposite. The daycare lady says she has a very low self esteem and no sense of identity. She looks at porn on the internet... she's 8 and totally out of control.
My youngest child is completely lazy. He'll do what he's told but has no initiative. He refuses to do class work at school and never brings home homework.
All three are doing very poorly in school, progress reports just came out and the oldest is failing math, the middle is failing math and getting D's in Science and Social Studies and the youngest can't read or tie his shoes and he's 6.
When I ask them to do something these are their reactions:
Oldest: Throw a fit like a 3 year old, yell and scream about it the entire time she's doing it and complain why it's always her that has to do everything...
Middle: Pretend like she's doing it and totally blow me off and do nothing at all or do something else that she wants to do and not what I told her to.
Youngest: He'll do it if I tell him repeatedly but takes no initiative.
I have 3 different personalities here who need to be dealt with in different ways. I feel like I'm completely failing as a parent and I have absolutely no support from anywhere except perhaps this daycare person if she continues to take my kids after having one steal from her.
I am working two jobs and totally at the end of my rope. I can't keep it together knowing who is supposed to be doing what all the time. I just want to curl up in a ball in the corner and cry! How do you teach a mean teen to stop being mean? How do you give an 8 year old a sense of self worth? How do you get the youngest to step up and do what he is capable of doing?
These are all VERY smart kids who are completely capable of doing well in school. I can totally see what's wrong (it took a long time to get there) I just don't know how to fix it! How do I do this all by myself with no support from anyone? Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated! Stories of others who have dealt with any of these "types" and what worked for them.
Have you taken them to Alateen? Sounds like they are acting out their pain. Have they been able to cry about their father leaving and what has happened? If they can't release their pain in a healthy way, then they will act out. Boundaries and consequences need to be put into place also. God love 'em. Just my opinion. Stay in the moment and take one day at a time.
I don't know what to say, CG. I never had to face out-of-control issues with my sons, even after their father died and we were alone. They were always respectful, kind, and helpful.
But today is a different time, and the pressures on kids today are enormous. First, the day care lady. Is she educated in making assessments about children? Of the oldest, she says, "she has a very low self esteem and no sense of identity." How does she come by analyzing your child? Most day care providers have a license from the state, not an advanced degree in human behavior. Pay no attention to her "professional opinion" of your child.
The kids are not out of control, CG. They are IN control!
The 13 year-old is acting like a typical sassy, know-it-all, "you-can't-tell-me-what-to-do" teen. She is at that stage where she is not quite a woman but thinks she is. Doesn't make it any better for you, but, chances are she will get herself together...with plenty of help along the way from you in the way of boundaries and consequences. Try getting together with her one-on-one for lunch or shopping, and see if you can begin to open a dialog. As the oldest, she should be given special privileges the younger ones do not enjoy. Make her feel special.
The eight-year-old girl looking at porn on the computer needs to be stopped NOW! You must see to that. There are filters, locks, and passwords. DO not allow them to access the computer if you are not there to supervise. Since when is an eight year old baby "out of control?" You have to get a handle on her, and at eight years old, she should not be given many choices. Maybe she is mocking what she sees from her older sister, but you should not tolerate "out of control" behavior from a baby. I do not believe in treating small children as little adults. They do not have the mental capability or understanding of an adult. THis one is still at the stand-in-the-corner-for-15-minutes stage.
An ongoing relationship with their schools and the teachers and counselors there can often be helpful. And it seems in your case it is a must. One brings home no homework. So it falls to you to find out from the teachers what homework has been assigned, and then you see that it is done and done correctly.
Tough I know for a single mom working two jobs. But the most important job we can ever have is rearing responsible, respectful, educated kids who are able to make their way in the world when their time comes. My kids' dad used to say, "They are little undomesticated animals until we make them into something else." WHen you look around at how some kids behaveca, you can see this is true.
Used to be when a child misbehaved, he was taken out behind the barn and whipped with whatever was handy. The world was much better off, and so were the kids. But, those who know everything about child psychology, and probably never had a kid themselves, decided laws needed to protect the kid from healthy discipline, and the kids know it. God forbid their feelings be hurt to say nothing of their behinds...They have parents over the proverbial barrel. So that we are now into the third generation of kids ordering parents around. Kids cursing parents, hitting parents, and generally making their lives and the lives of their parents miserable.
I don't envy parents in today's world. It is difficult to take a firm stance with them when they have the upper hand.
Well, enough of my tirade. Yes, Alateen might be of help, but I see a crying out for more of Mom. Is there, perhaps, some temporary state aid for you which will keep you home more of the time? Maybe hold one job and have a bit of help making financial ends meet....for a while? We surely cannot guide our children when we are not home to do it.
All I can really do is keep your family in my thoughts and hope that all works out. You try to keep a level head. No yelling and screaming. When they know they've ""gotcha," they take advantage. SOme of them seem to get some joy out of causing turmoil in the home. Some are just a pain in the a$$. DOn't forget...you're the mom and you're in charge.
Take care, dear girl. It will all pass. Most of them come around. Where do you think gray hair comes from????? LOL!! And consider this: Most childrendo don't end up dooing life in a federal prison. WHen my kids would do something I thought was wrong, I always kept that thought in mind. *grin*
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 10:14, 2008-02-27
-- Edited by Diva at 10:39, 2008-02-27
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
My niece also benefitted hugely from a local martial arts center. They teach the kids respect, both self- and other- directed, poise, accomplishment....
The school counselor would be a good place to start. If nothing else, he/she can give you a list of resources.
I have taken two parenting classes through Social Services, both excellent, and the second one was geared towards teens.
Even though children are removed from a situation involving a dysfunctional addicted parent, they still have unresolved issues and emotions. They don't have the coping mechanisms we have as adults.
Throw in the fact you are working a lot of hours, are growing increasingly frustrated, and it's the pot getting ready to boil over.
You have got to reach out to someone.
Start with the school counselor.
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Well as someone who is on overwhelm all the time I can relate a lot. I do not have children so have no place in suggesting much except I think it is perfectly normal your kids have a reaction to the events that are in front of them. They are been abandoned by their father, their mother is really stretched and you are isolated.
I do know for me personally setting up structure is so so key. Right now one of my goals is to slow down and work on what do I need to do next. I am concentrating on my physical surroundings and getting that straight then onto the next step.
I do very much understand the desire to fix it all straight away. We do tend to go the superhuman route.
As someone who also did the two job thing for a while I can empathise I got absolutely worn out. I will probably have to do the two job thing again but right now I am working on my quality of life issues.
I know it is really really difficult to explore stuff about ending isolation. I run into huge brick walls because I have boundaries these days. I also run into huge brick walls because my finances are really limited and I want to try to save to move out of the place I am in, saving generally means going without.
What about setting one or two goals for yourself.
work on those then move to the next. Stop beating yourself to a pulp. You are far from failing as a parent, you have a roof over their heads, some structure going you just need to improve things. This is speaking from someone who beats herself into a pulp regularly.
I really try to focus on not comparing myself to others. Other people have not had to deal with a spouse who nearly totally wrecked their life.
For me personally there are layers to survival. There is something about hanging on my fingertips that eventually gets really old. The adrenaline stuff works for a while and then I go into exhaustion.
So I would suggest structure, reward, structure, reward refine the structure.
I do know brainstorming is hard when you don't feel you have a moment to spare. At the same time I know its a way through.
I also know having workable goals helps me. I feel like I am making movement. I feel like I can work towards something.
I know you have achieved superhuman achievements, going to school on nothing, escaping homelessness and even surviving the abandonment and chaos engineered by your exA. Now is a time to regroup, take yourself off the pedastel, stumble, work on ways to make life better. Set small goals keep on working on them. Don't be the superhero give yourself lots of kudos for all your achievements - I am in awe that you can balance so much.
I already talked to the school counselor she has the middle one in a behavior group since almost the beginning of the school year. I called a therapist who told me about an agency that comes to your house and i am waiting to hear back from them.
Absolutely reach out to the counselors or teachers of your children. They see your kids daily, know them from a different viewpoint then you do. They have resources to suggest to help you. I taught middle schoolers for over 30 years. When kids are having a difficult time in academics, they need intervention. We always had parent/teacher/child conferences in addition to just the adults. Your daughter probably needs a place to say her piece. She may not say the real issues to you; she may just act out as she is and that is her cry for help. Thirteen is a terrible age to be. They are so vulnerable to everything and so powerless. When she takes advantage of you, she knows you will react somehow. That is what she wants...you and your reaction. She may reject you, but please try to find a way to stop her disrespect of you. I am almost certain she doesn't want you to allow that. Everything you say about her sounds pretty typical for a 13 year old, but throw in your family background with addiction and the situation becomes harder. I have read in your posts, I believe, that your two oldest children had an addicted father and your youngest another. But that the two older kids knew your current A as their father. Do they have any contact with their biological father or his family? Are there grandparents on either side with whom they could have a relationship, even by phone or e-mail? You need support from somewhere. Being a single parent working two jobs??? I don't see how you do it at all. And by the way, I thought Diva gave you some wonderful ideas and background. Another thought: do you have a church affiliation? Quite often, the church can offer assistance, even counseling. Many churches today have a family counselor on staff. They charge only what you can afford, if at all.
I emailed the principal today, my daughter is doing horrible. He wants to conference but I can't take the time off work right now. Not for another 3 weeks. The father of the girls died from Aism about 6 years ago. He was a foster child so no family. My current A has a mom and her and I are friends but her and my oldest daughter do not get along because she flipped out on her once when watching my kids. My oldest has been diagnosed with attachment disorder, I am hoping for another opinion on that but she is very hard to love. She's mean spirited and has the same behaviors of an A without the alcohol. We are about 3000 miles from my mom and I have 1 fair weather friend here. That's it. My oldest is very anti church and a complete aetheist. I have never been much of a church goer either, sunday is my only day off and i usually like to spend it doing other things or cleaning. I'm completely burnt out.
Some of this is normal hormonal issues for your 13 year old, my grand-daughter is going through that and some of it is from the family dysfunctionality and my grand-daughter also has that to content with. And my daughter is a single mother of three, two older girls who clash, the middle one acting up because she is the middle one and the third child being a boy too, who has everyone at his beck and call.Some of this is a classic middle child syndrome for the 8 year old and of course the youngest is showing his age here too. However, it is hard to separate this out from the disease that has also infected the children with.
ATTITUDE problems - usually a cry for attention - give it now and you will find that is the best reward you will ever receive, but make sure it is one on one and personal and positive.
PORN - accessible to an 8 year - NOW THAT IS WORRYING. Get that passworded and locked tight.
POOR MOTIVATION - usually comes from lack of motivation at home, find time to sit down and make a homework rule and check up regularly...maybe ask teachers just to send a quick email to you about what homework as been set...let them know that YOU know they have homework to do. And sit with them, it does help and it can be fun and it is worth while. Set a time limit each night...no TV playstation, whatever until 1/2 homework has been done. Simple but effective.
These are parenting activities that do not seem to come naturally to my daughter's generation but which was a way of life for mine, even though I was working full time and overtime and single parenting too, whilst my A sailed the seven seas.
Diva response is worth really sitting down and reading again and again.
My two penn'th would be, also to make you aware that it is all about attention. Any attention is better than NO attention.
So, try hard to make it GOOD attention that they get and not BAD attention. Quality time is what is needed and a tired, threadbare, exhausted mum does not have a lot of time to spare when there are three children to look after and two jobs to work, and money is tight. However, TIME costs NOTHING. That is what we found was the way forward. Carving out the time, making team work work in your family situation, make chores attractive by the reward of time spent together and relaxing and talking. and most of all, try really hard to SIT down at the table for any of the meals you have an opportunity to do so.
Work together, and play together and relax together as well as ensuring space for each of you too. The oldest needs you so much, though she will be the last to tell you that. Girly stuff, after the other two are in bed.
Regulate bedtime. The youngest first, the middle second and the oldest knowing she has special time with you at this topsy-turvy time of life.
Take what you want from this and leave the rest, just my approaches and the things I passed on to my daughter and my son for their children. It has made a difference but it had to be the parents initiative in the first place and NO EXCUSES. It gets easier with practise.
Good Luck, and KEEP COOL, remember lower your voice, the pitch is so important when trying to take control. Screaming and yelling will get you nowhere.
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Sweetie, NOTHING is more important than getting these kids back on track. If the principal wants a conference, you need to go. The choice is clear. Kids first. Tell your employer you must do this.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
My brothers and I were raised by a single mom so I have a pretty good idea of how hard this is for you. I have to agree with Diva, what they need most is you. The kids have been through a lot and they are very insecure. They feel abandoned by your ex, even if he is not the girls father. I realise too, now that my son feels abandoned by me when I get into the frame of mind that I can't do all this on my own. That is when he is at his worst. They need to feel that you are rock solid and will handle whatever life throws at them. If you feel insecure in your ability to care for them, then they feel insecure. It scares them. You are all they have left.
A suggestion might be to make a big effort to be more positive esp around them. It takes work, but I tell myself that I can get through this one day just fine. I don't need someone else to help or do it for me. I don't need a rescuer. And once you get yourself convinced even for a moment, make sure the kids know that their world is secure. I started telling my son that we would be fine. Life is hard thats just how it is, but we would be fine.
Then I would look closer at Diva's post. I used to dicipline from guilt. I'd let my son roll all over me. But Diva is right. They need discipline for their own sense of security too. If they get by with all kinds of bad behavior they think moms not strong enough to protect us and care for us. They are not bad kids and you have nothing to be guilty about. You have done the best you can and you will do well enough if you don't let your apprehension and guilt tie your hands. I would suggest you try just laying down the law, enforcing it, and then help them sort out their feelings after they have complied with your standard of behavior. They will definately feel more secure for the experience. My son does.
One other thing is that I used to let my son drag me into arguments and discussions constantly. I am learning to stop that and he is learning that he must comply first then we can discuss something. Otherwise he used my wish to be respectfull of him as a person, to manipulate me into anger and get away with not doing what he was told.
This is all just my take on it and my experience that works if I am diligent (not so well when I am lax about it). Take what you can use, Hon and know I am not here to judge you. You will do fine whatever you do. You will find a way.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Absolutely agree again. Get to the principal if at all possible. And get that kid off the computer without supervision. Find a way. You are the MOM.
(Sorry if I sound really pushy.) Love in recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Well I wanted to remind you that your oldest does babysit to some extent so there is some cooperation there. She must have a lot of rage that she is abandoned again. Poor kid abandoned twice. As someone with real abandonment issues that is pretty hard.
You will make new friends in time. Look at all you have achieved in the last year.
I can also understand that you have to choose how and when to respond to this stuff. I have lots of limits about time I can take off. I should go to the dentist tomorrow its postponded again. I do have plans to get to the dentist this year though which is huge for me. I no longer just despair I make plans.
You will get to a workable plan for you and your children, patience, compassion for yourself.
I do think some of this may be triggered by the A. They are so critical. The A I was with was blistering to me about everything. I am so glad I do not have to deal with it anymore. What a relief.
Sweetie, NOTHING is more important than getting these kids back on track. If the principal wants a conference, you need to go. The choice is clear. Kids first. Tell your employer you must do this.
Diva
I have to agree with this wholeheartedly.
When I started seeing all the red flags going up with my then 15 year old daughter, I turned to every resource available. She was depressed, cutting on herself, I was working with the school counselor, I got her into counseling at the mental health center. I turned to SRS for help, the police, an adolescent crisis facility, you name it.
Basically I was told no one would do anything until she either tried to commit suicide, or run away.
Well, run away she did, with a 24 year old predator, and ended up in juvenile lockup for 60 days, and then in a foster home for a year.
It was one of the best things that could have happened to her, and I was there every step of the way. I took the parenting classes, sought counseling for myself, I drove 260 miles round trip at least twice a month to visit her at the foster home. I was in court every time we had a hearing.
She knows now that despite the failings of the resources that I did reach out to initially, her mother never gave up on her.
Yes, we still have issues, but they are a far cry from almost 5 years ago when it all went to hell in a handbasket.
I understand you work hard to make ends meet, but that money will not fix things when your oldest runs off or ends up pregnant, or on drugs. I've seen it happen time and time again here locally.
My daughter had a classmate who was about one month behind her in the 'system', and she went right back to the same old same old when she got home.
Her father was the only parent 'present' for her through the whole ordeal (and was the non-custodial parent).
She's not worked for 3 years, sponges off of her boyfriend and boyfriend's mother (who let her move in with them), and drinks and drugs herself into a stupor on a regular basis.
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Can you conference with the principle on the phone? Why would it have to be f2f? Or an after work appointment, or during your lunch hour? You're doing great CG. This too shall pass. Don't forget to focus on the positive of each of those beautiful kids. All three are sucsess stories and miracles in their own right for what they have lived thru already in their young lives.
I asked that and got no reply yet. My work is an hour from the school so no way to do it at lunch. Trying REALLY hard to "focus on the positive" it's just very very hard when one of them is being bad all the time. I got an appointment with a place that does support services and comes to your home! They are coming Monday night and will also work with the schools and they say they provide a mentor and tutoring if needed so I'm hoping if we can get a little support we can pull it together.
I have a 10 year old and boundaries are a constant issue. She wants to run things and be the adult and I have to remind her she is not. A good book that has helped me is Boundaries with Kids by Cloud and Townsend. It talks about how to set boundaries at all age levels.
For me I give one warning and then there is a privilage taken away. Dance classes are important to my daughter, so that is something I hold in reserve that can be eliminated if the offense is too great (bad grades suffering because of extra-curricular activites).
Setting boundaries is hard, and not for the weak of heart, but worth the time put into working them into disaplinary actions. I don't know if any of this helps, but counseling is also an option and can guide you along a new road of disapline (boundaries). I had to go through a low income counseling center, and athey helped me a great deal in knowing how to deal with my daughter.
When told to go to her room and she wouldn't (age 7) she was told there would be a minute added to the 10 minutes for every minute she didn't go. It was a waiting game and evenatuallly we won out, but not before she had more than an hour built up! The next time she was asked to go to her room it was still a fight, but didn't take as long.
With kids I use these al-anon tools: Think, Think, Think Progress not Perfection (for me as well as them) Easy Does It Say what you mean and mean what you say, but don't say it mean Detach with love (from their statements) Don't accept unacceptable behavior
Again I don't know if any of this helps, but pray and God will lead you. I understand your working two jobs, but is there anyway you could get goverenment support to help your situation and stay at home more. It was a pride-swallowing seige for me, but I did that and being at home more has helped. My daughter is my top priority for me now.
