The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've heard tradition 2 read & discussed during Feb. a couple times at f2f meetings. I've thought back about my personal family group - we all try to repeat our thoughts on issues which makes me think no one felt acknowledged or heard. This lead to us as parents becoming defensive and I felt that it was about winning or losing a decision with my AH and with no resolution there were two sets of ways to do things based on which parent you were with. Very confusing and unhealthy for the kids. Disasterous when the kids sided with one parent over the other and so difficult to do things the AH's way when he traveled & wasn't present to implement his way especially when I disagreed. What a mess!
Also, a big problem was how the elephant in the room of different problems were not discussed. If they weren't brought up numerous times then it wasn't a real problem according to the AH. He felt most problems go away or work themself out. Some of this might be true but the mom seems to hear the numerous repeats of complaints before it ever gets to the dad. I was so frustrated trying to keep peace without being desrespectful to the AH when I was in denial.
Now the fog is lifting - sometimes it is impossible to resolve anything when one is drinking and I was unaware how this affected the interactions. I hope I can role model some of the things I am learning about group consciousness in al anon. I also would like to stop the win vs lose with AH and be a partner parent. That may never be possible. Have any of you found ways to parent consistantly as a goal at least when you are working with an A who can be not totally present or get what is going on?
These three points I really related to from tradition two:
we learn that it is best not to force a particular decision or to continually restate our views. That is controlling.
we learn that we can participate in honest disagreement with integrity and flexability even when things do not go exactly our way.
when we all seek HP's will, there can be no winning or losing, but only a journey to greater understanding.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
DD, my family dynamic was similar- two sets of parents and two kids. My sister went w/my mom and I went w/my dad when it came to "taking sides". As a result, my sister and I were pretty much total strangers/completely alienated and in fact were serious enemies because of this family dynamic. We worked very hard to basically blow our dysfunctional parents off and work on our own friendship/relationship when we hit our 40's and thank god for that! She is literally the only family I really have. My mom is nuts and my dad is long dead- both victims of alcoholism among other things.
This is also an example of how the traditions make so much sense when looking at family groups. When I look at Tradition 1, I think: Unity? Common Welfare? What the heck does that REALLY mean because in my family there was no common welfare, no unity WHATSOEVER and this is extremely common in alcoholic families. How can there be common welfare and/or unity when there is an addict/alcoholic demanding that everything be about them, everything be tailored to their reality, no talking, no feelings allowed because only the addict/alcoholic gets to do all that- the rest of the family members just stay mute and powerless and in the stranglehold of the alcoholics reality. I know I never learned anything about unity or common welfare from my family of origin- I am learning it now in my al-anon groups and meetings.
The second tradition is so much about turning things over to HP for me. I can choose to do this as an individual but WOW- imagine the power of doing that as a group or family!! TOO COOL! Tradition two shows us how to practice the first three steps AS A GROUP! I used to not care too much about the traditions but now I AM IN LOVE W/THEM because they are showing me how to operate in groups, they are showing me what is possible and its really inspiring. Thanks for this post and for bringing up the traditions. Hugs, J.
You know, there's no reason you can't start practicing this tradition with the kids, regardless of what happens with their dad. Making statements that hear them. (" I was thinking about what you said the other day, about xxxxx? It seems to me......"). Giving them plenty of space to speak without feeling the need to jump into the silence. If it's a family thing, getting everybody together and giving each one the chance to say their piece without interruption. Saying calm things like "Dad and I actually disagree on this issue" - something I don't believe I've heard from my mother to this day. Though she has gotten to where he can be mentioned calmly, instead of in a fit of hysteria. Also a gift, really.
Thank you both - sometimes I am just numb with what to do with the kids. Great suggestions that I might have known if I wasn't struggling so hard to keep the focus off the A and on myself. These kids need my focus too who talks and listens, not just a driver. I am just not alway clear headed right now. I really appreciate your support. hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
