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Haven't seen or heard from my A-bf since the first part of February. Have been trying not to count the days, but have noticed that it's what I do anyway.
He binged badly this time; according to his parents it is one of the worst they have seen. He was hallucinating; he was crawling around on the floor because he couldn't walk; he hadn't showered in 3-weeks and his home was a wreck.
I chose not to help convince him to go to the hospital this time, even when his parents asked me to. (Insert occasional feelings of guilt here).
I had made this a boundary with my A-bf while he was in sobriety (i.e. that when he binges, I am stepping away... told him that I don't want to watch him harming himself).
I had also set this boundary because the last time I did take him to the hospital (at his request, in August 2007) he was very rude & abusive to me while waiting in the ER treatment room; demanding that I take him home... NOW! I set limits with him on his abusive behavior back then; also told him that if he wanted to leave the ER he would have to take a cab... which he did.
He was arrested two days later when he went to a grocery store to purchase Vodka at 05:30 am... the store cashier told him they don't start selling liquor until 06:00 am, so he took it, they called the police, and he went to jail. Then his parents bailed him out (I guess; I never asked) and he went into the hospital. I didn't visit him.
He went from there to a rehabilitation center for 28-days. I didn't call or visit, until he called and asked me to drive him to court (his parents were not available).
I have no clue how long he was in sobriety after leaving the rehab center; I stopped asking, "How is your recovery going?" a while back because he either lies about it or keeps quiet & vague about it. I figure it is none of my business and let it go at that.
I no longer realize when his drinking starts up again... he is quite good at hiding it and I am getting quite good (i.e. working a program) at not looking for it. I "noticed" his drinking this time during the last few weeks of January... and even though I noticed, I said nothing.
Once I do notice, I don't call him... I just wait; and while I wait, I go on living.
I do go through difficult emotions (i.e. anger, rage, frustration, anxiety, depression and all of the physical stuff such as upset stomach & headaches). It isn't easy as you all well know, but it is my sickness and it is my responsibility to fix me.
My plan: saw a health professional and started taking medicine, taking classes that I am interested in, exercising, and going to meetings (and reading Al-Anon literature). Getting plenty of rest, too.
My recent failing: I called his secretary to find out his status and found out he had been hospitalized and released; he will be going to Tennessee "soon" for rehab. His secretary told me that his Mom called her, too, to find out if I had called to inquire about A-bf.
Why is calling his secretary a failing in my opinion? Because I didn't "let it go," and I wanted to find out what was going on! I didn't call him or his family because I didn't want to get "sucked back in" to the drama.
(((((ESH))))) Sounds like we're walking the same walk. You called his secretary because you felt like it was the "least invasive" way to find out about a person you care about. I'm sure there are lots of opinions out there on if this was "healthy" or "not healthy" for you - but you did what you did because you cared.
Letting go completely has been the hardest part for me, as well. But I do find that the more I am involved with this program, the more reading I do, and the more I take care of myself - then the less I feel those "pangs" of holding on. I start dance classes tonight - and I'm SO looking forward to that - as I know at least for those couple of hours a week - I'll be having too much fun to think about him. And actually - I look for something fun every day. I may not always find it, but I do find reasons to laugh every day. It is amazingly healing.
I was thinking last night about alcoholism and co-dependency. How the A craves that bottle - and how when they are in COMPLETE abstinence it must be less chaotic in their lives. Then I thought about my relationship with my A (ex bf). When I don't hear from him at all, I can go through the withdrawals, the "cravings"....but then my life gets noticeably calmer, happier, more peaceful. (A co-worker told me last week that I seemed so much happier.) I miss him when there's no contact, but I'm not nuts. When my A exbf emailed me out of the blue on Friday, it started that whole cycle again. The anxiety, the worrying, the unrealisitic ideas - all of it. Chaos. I do think there's something to this co-dependency thing bringing on much the same scenarios as the alcoholic goes through with the bottle. So am I ready and willing to completely abstain from him? Gosh......can't say that just yet. I'd like to be able to say that - but it would be a lie. All I can do is work towards acceptance of his situation - and letting go of him. Really letting go.
Jerry had an excellent post on that a few days ago - about practicing holding our A up to HP and letting go and turning and walking away. Wow - that was a powerful image - and one that I honestly have not done yet. But it's starting to bug me why I haven't done it. I'm working towards it. I think it's necessary for me.
Hang in there, ESH. It sounds like you're definitely on the right track. Don't be hard on yourself about caring for someone. But take care of yourself first - and if it's hurting you too much to keep doing this, then allow yourself to stop. Funny thing is....whether we "let go" or not.....they were never "ours". HP has had them all along.
This is exactly what I needed to read. I know the chaos is addicting, I missed it so much in the beginning. I am thinking now that me contacting him about seeing the kids is really just my way of trying to not let go. I think I am just going to forget about meeting him on Friday and go on about my life. I am going to think on this a little more, but this post has given me come clarity. thanks.
yes it is hard to "let go". They certainly know how to get under our skin and make us responsible for their lives and walking away is very difficult. I commend you on your incredibly hard work. I am sure his mother is worried sick and would like to know she has company but it sounds like you are doing a great great job on turning it over.
Yes, it is hard to let go completely. I was infamous for jumping back into the 'briar patch', and rolling around until I was good and bloody emotionally, and then I'd get back on track.
Thankfully I don't do that nearly as often anymore!
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I have said this before on this forum but I think its worth saying it again. Often, these people, our A's and addicts, are actually "larger than life" types of people- very charismatic, emotional, powerful personalities, etc. I mean, I know my A can literally suck all the oxygen out of a room just by entering it, I swear- so its no suprise that when these people depart- there is a HUGE GIANT hole where they used to be!!! I struggle with this for months and months- I was living with a giant hole in my life and it was really really hard. Its like a bottomless pit next to you in bed, next to you in the car, next to you when you are out walking around- 24/7 a huge absence.
Sometimes just acknowledging this helped me a lot some days. Hugs, J.
