The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know I need to let him go and fall or get up on his own because I feel like I'm just bringing him a more drawn out death. I wish I could put him in a basket and leave him on the steps of a church or a rehab center. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to not see what a waste he's making of his life, I want to pretend he's somewhere else and happy and not a sullen drunk marinated in moldy forties. I've got to leave him I can't nurse him anymore he's sucking all my life out and I hate that I hate that i'm his mother and I failed to fix him I hate that I'm his mother and i want to disappear and pretend i'm alone. I'm going to a meeting maybe it will help it can't hurt anymore than I already feel. I'm sorry for whining I just hate this I HATE IT!!!
Oh how your post made my heart ache!! I am a mom with similar feelings and problems. My son is in his forties and altho he functions highly and has no legal problems, his personal/emotional life is terrible. His family is lost to him..he has a little boy. So I feel exactly what you are going through.
You are not leaving him! By going to meetings and working on your emotions and actions, you are going to help him much more than you know. I have, over the past year, gotten much better at detachment. I fail miserably from time to time, but removing myself from his chaos, not enabling him most of the time, and biting off my tongue and just keeping my comments general and caring (hard to do!!), I think I am getting some message across to him.
You cannot fix something you didn't cause. We moms think we are so powerful that we can control everything about our children, even when they are adults. We can't. It is heartbreaking and frustrating, but coming here and going to meetings will give you the shoulders to cry upon and you will know you have people/friends who fullly understand. Tomorrow write us once more. Let us hear how it you are feeling. Keep coming here. Keep reading and writing. We understand. My prayers are with you tonight.
I cannot imagine being a mother; because I am not a mother. I especially cannot imagine being the mother of an addicted son or daughter. Your heart must break a million times over.
Your post hit me because I often think of my A's mother and what she must go through when he relapses and comes close to dying and we cannot convince him to go to the hospital. She does not attend Al-Anon... and I do not know why. I don't know how she copes.
From a girlfriend's point of view, I know what his mother is going through is pure hell compared to what I would ever go through with our particular A. My thoughts are with you.
you wrap him up in the most beautiful soft blanket you can imagine and you give him to God. I cannot imagine how much this must hurt but really only the all powerful nature of God can take care of these people- whether they are our kids, partners, parents or friends. hugs, J.
And I would wrap you up in a soft blanket and hand you over to God for all the heartache you are feeling at this time. Then I would pray for comfort and healing and strength that you will LET GO of your son and LET GOD; for if there is ONE thing that I have learned, it is that we cannot do anything for our precious one's. They have to do it for themselves. And the best thing is to leave them to themselves and find healing for ourselves before we reach the end-of-our-wits.
God Bless.
__________________
"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Digby - my thoughts and prayers are with you. Loving an A is so painful - but being the mother to an A must be especially so. Just remember that you didn't cause his disease, you can't control it, and you won't be able to cure it. He is your son, and you love him. My heart breaks for your pain right now. But by getting to that meeting and taking care of you ONE DAY AT A TIME, you will get through this. And as you begin to recover, you will be given the strength to handle whatever comes your way. Baby steps each day. You're going to be alright. I will pray for you, your son and your family tonight.
D, I understand. What I did was go to many alanon meetings, did all the things mentioned above, put one foot in front of the other and somehow kept going.
Aloha Digby!! Going to a meeting what a great place to be at with all those compassionate and loving members with their ESH. Keep and open mind.
I separated from the son I really wanted to live with one reason because his mother, my exwife had secluded him from me until she could not and then he came to me a drunk and an addict. We were together for about 1 and 1/2 years until I sat him down and told him that he needed to make a decision about taking over the apartment we were sharing because I was moving. I could not jeapordize my recovery living with him in full addiction and that the way he was going it looked like death would get to him before sanity. I left and went to my own place and he went to his. Death didn't get to him but the Highway Patrol did from time to time, the hospitals for stab wounds and the like, some sexual indiscresion(?) an unplanned pregnancy and the like. He would come and talk/complain about life to me and most of the time listen back although there were times he just wanted to bitch and run. I don't do that so if he wasn't into letting me participate come when he could. I can believe that it's 24 years later and he is still alive; the father of 3 and still married to the same wife the mother of the children. He is a successful business owner and a participant in his religion. He has been clean and sober for about 15 years now and lives about 2 miles from me. It's a pleasure being around him and the family. We still have "talks" cause we humans just gotta and he likes rubbing up against program (He's gets his recovery elsewhere) from Dad, Step-mom and the program family we have over the house from time to time.
All I had to do was divorce him. Go figure! I also am not a mother so I don't have a mother's investment in the child. I have the deepest compassion for you. (((((hugs)))))
My heart aches for you, as I have been where you are. We had to make the tough decision as parents to ask our son to leave our home. Not just once, but 3 times. I do believe it does ultimately get them to their "bottom". We have been very clear about our boundaries. We will have a relationship with him as long as he is in recovery, but we won't have contact with him if he is actively using. I realize that we enabled in many ways......one of course was allowing him to stay here. My husband has a tougher time with setting boundaries, but he is getting there. I know the pain involved in asking your child to leave......but I now know it was the best thing we could've done for our son. Currently our son is attending out patient classes and going faithfully to meetings. He has a sponsor and is living in an Oxford house. The accountability and support of the Oxford house has been a huge help. I will keep you in my prayers and ask that God would give you the strength to do the hard thing. I believe ultimately you are doing the best thing for your son. May God direct you and bless you!
This is my second biggest fear, that of all the children I have had with my two addicts at least one of them will become one. My first fear is that my son's father will take him and not return him. I know that these fears are mine, I talk about addiction with them regularly, hoping they will avoid it. I can't even imagine how hard it is to have to let go of your child and hope they learn to fly.
I am one of those people who are over responsible for others. I have no biological children of my own. I do have a long long history of being codependent in relationships. Codependency for me is lethal. I find it very difficult to have appropriate boundaries with others. I do not dwell anymore on death or disaster for those who are addicted. I dwell on taking care of me because I have neglected myself to the point of real exhaustion. In time I may be able to offer more but right now I have to make me a priority that is a first for me.
