The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I really want to start finding a sponsor... it's a hard thing for me to feel comfortable with, though...
I mean, this sponsor is a person whom I might unload a lot of crap on.
#1. Am I comfortable spilling my entire life story to a non-professional person whom I've maybe only met two or three times in a meeting?
#2. Can I feel comfortable and not guilty unloading my woes on someone?
#3. Who qualifies as a good sponsor? Should I seek someone who's been working the program for several years, or is it safe to go with someone who's only been doing it maybe a few months?
#4. My mom cannot be my sponsor! While she's a veteran Al-anon member, I think it wouldn't be the right atmosphere - she's emotionally tied to me, I'm emotionally tied to her... just like I can't be my husband's confidant when it comes to his drinking. There are just SOME things that he's likely not going to be comfortable sharing with me, just as there are some things that I'm sure I'll feel uncomfortable hearing.
I think what's happening with me right now is I'm getting kind of impatient. I want to start "working the steps". I want to find someone who can work through them with me.
Reading the materials and going to meetings and listening to people's stories and occasionally sharing mine isn't working the steps for me.
No one's sat and discussed in the meetings how they tackled step #1. I don't know how long it will be until that little bit of information arises in a meeting.
When I started looking for a sponsor, I heard some good advice--look for someone who has what you want. I was drawn to a woman in my home group whose husband was active but who always seemed full of serenity. You could see it in her demeanor and hear it in her shares. It seemed to me that if she could find serenity with an active A, that I wanted to learn how to do that too!! It was really a God-thing because the night that I was going to ask her to sponsor me, she came up to me after the meeting and said that I should call her if I ever needed to talk.
I agree with you that your Mom is not a good choice!! Trust your gut on that one!!
I understand your concerns about doing a 4th and 5th step, but it is part of the process and if you work the steps in order with a sponsor, it will all fall into place. If for some reason it does not, you can tell her that it is not working for you and find another sponsor.
One of the great things about doing the 4th and 5th step with a fellow Al-Anon for me was that it was safe--she did not judge me or criticize me. She listened to me and told me that I wasn't as terrible as I had thought that I was and I was finally able to start letting go of the guilt and shame that I had held onto for so long. I was also in IC at the time, which was a good complement to working the steps because my counselor was very familiar with recovery. However, I believe that I would have benefitted greatly from the steps with or without IC.
Working the steps with a sponsor can be a wonderful experience and hope that it is all it can be for you!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I felt the same way - impatient after 6 mos or so & wanting to get into the steps. I thought I understood the first 3 steps but with a sponsor it was so much more info and helped me see things even clearer. My sponser has me read each chapter, taking any notes or writing down any thoughts and answering the questions at the end of the chapter for us to discuss when we get together. It has really helped me to find some clarity.
I too had been told to ask someone whom I seemed to relate to when they shared at our f2f meetings. Mine is marriad to a SA and they both work their programs and she has many past common stories to what I am dealing with re: grown kids & functioning A. I think even the language and word choices used can make each of us more comfortable to find someone we can communicate with for a sponsor. This provides the opportunity to learn and understand how to tackle each step.
I love the diversity of the Al Anon groups in so many ways yet we are all united in the one way of how an A has affected us. I have also found that I have covered alot of info about myself from therapy so I am aware of things about myself and about all the members of my family but the big thing Al Anon has given me is 'tools' to deal with things I can change but I have been floundering in how to change. Al Anon has been a gift and I am just getting started.
I also think my HP gave me some direction on choice of sponcer and courage to call when I tried to find my sponcer. Some may have too many to sponcer or not enough time to be there for you so just ask another you relate to and trust your HP to help.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
well, here is my ESH. First of all, I got a sponsor WAY too early in the game. I latched onto someone I felt was really supportive but found out later that she had never been sponsored herself! I also found out that she never went through the steps with anyone.
At the time I had no idea that this was important and mattered but to me, it really does, now. I think that the lineage of sponsorship makes good sponsors and that it will make me a good sponsor when the time comes. So, I want my sponsor to be actively engaged in a relationship with her sponsor.
I took a workshop on sponsorship and I learned so much. Good luck, aloha, Hugs, J.
It's not a one-time only, stuck with it forever type of decision. Most people have several sponsors at different times in their lives.
And, if you agonize over it too much, and put too much into it, you will be really hurt if the person is not ready to sponsor you. I know I've been asked a couple of times to sponsor, but don't feel secure enough in my own grasp of the steps, and have said no.
So, find the best you can out of the choices you have, and ask. If it doesn't work out, you can find someone else later.
imho, it's never to early to have a sponsor. About the only thing I was told when I started was to try to find one that had more time in the program than me. Doesn't matter how much more...just more!
If we outgrow a sponsor or it just doesnt seem to be working out...get another one!
I've had a couple of sponsors. Sometimes I have found it incredibly helpful other times I have to confront my expectations. I have incredible expectations of others. I know people who have found the experience incredibly helpful.
My last few sponsors have dumped me. I think they could only take so much of my obsessing about the A before I left him. I am journeying towards a more human view of what I can expect and what I "need".
The subject of sponsorship is covered in our literature. In the back of our dailies and in pamphlets. These are good guides as is the ESH shared here. Strap the patience back on again because impatience breeds frustration and for me that can take my program and trashcan it quick.
I didn't need to LIKE my sponsors and I learned to LOVE them as they LOVED me. None of my sponsors were perfect and let me know from the start that if I had that expectation I was to drop it quick or they would drop me. They didn't need the obvious grief that came from a sponsee expecting perfection and guarantees. I wanted to hang with winners and the sponsors I have been blessed with were all winners...not because I picked them but because they really worked this program as very best they could and had winning sponsors themselves.
You can always fire a sponsor! A sponsor can always fire you! Some sponsors can face up to my whining and black moods and ego centric self centeredness and just smile back while others can exercise the ability to just hang up on me or tell me when I "get over it" call back and redo my share. Sponsors with real recovery experience for me are best. They listen and learn still and point me toward a more positive direction in the lease amount of time. They have learned to keep it simple and want me to learn that also. Sponsors can talk about things other than recovery and can talk about other things and not relate them to recovery. Good sponsors have a life with a program and are not always programming. (I just love talking with sponsees about life without mentioning the addict or alcoholic.) What do you know about fishing; or baking; or the funniest thing you have heard lately. (Mahalo Kissers!!!!!)
Anyhow here you go on a new experience. This was the biggie for me. I had never done it before. I knew fear best and not trusting right after that. I was still skeptical and sarcastic and self centered. I was willing and okay with what the process would bring. There was a protocol...Men on men and Women on women. I directly broke that and got to be fired first. It doesn't work well. My sponsors since have all been male. They have all been well experienced. They have all had patience and an open mind. They have kept my stories in a place not even I can find. They have all been consistent with me and committed to the process and they have all had their own programs I could not mess with. I have had a sponsor who has attended to my pain while he himself was dying of cancer (I love you Bill S.) and a sponsor who has taught me that I could not outdistance or determine when my HP would or needed to be (I love you also Mac) even if that was the bathroom.
Most value you place in sponsorship comes from inside of you; your humility and you're openmindedness. So get humble (teachable), keep an openmind (like in the closing of our meetings) and reach out and ask. Can you help me?
I'll just bide my time and when the moment's right, I'll ask. I'll keep a good lookout, though, for that moment.
I think for me, I'll likely feel most comfortable with someone who's been working the program for a good deal of time... and from there, well, I think my HP will guide me into a good start. And I agree - if I don't feel comfortable with the sponsor I've chosen, I can always find a different one.
