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Hello, everyone. I am new here and looking for some advice about a current problem I am dealing with. Let me give a brief history of myself first.......
I was in a 5-year romantic relationship with an alcoholic, which I ended several years ago. Our relationship was of course very tumultuous and codependent. During that time, I did find help at local Al-Anon meetings, and I also read Melody Beattie's Codpendent No More, which I credit along with help from my "higher power" in enabling me to have the courage to get myself out of that relationship and take control of my own emotions and life. Looking back, my years in that relationship do not make for very good memories....there is nothing I particularly value about the experience at all, except that I have become more self-aware and learned much about how to not let myself get into another co-dependent relationship.
Which brings me to the state I find myself in tonight. I am in a new relationship with someone who is an excellent match for me. I am very happy with this person, and we are deeply committed to one another. We have both been in co-dependent relationships before, and as a result want to do everything we can to avoid allowing co-dependency to ever control our relationship. My partner however, is not familiar with alcoholism.....there are not any alcoholics in her family, and she has never been in a close relationship with an alcoholic. She's knows a general overview of some of the things I have been through as a result of my former girlfriend's alcoholism, but I've never gone into it too much with her.....I just feel that it was painful and I have moved on, so I don't want to re-hash the past. I am afraid that the time is here though, when I finally have to explain to her just how bad the effects of alcohol abuse have been on me, and how they've sort of been coming back to haunt me.
When I first met my partner, she told me that she didn't drink, which I was very happy about, as I don't drink either, and really want nothing to do with alcohol after all I've had to put up with in the past. However, she will drink a glass of wine on New Year's Eve, which I haven't had a problem with, since it's pretty normal. In the past few weeks though, she has gone to 2 parties where she has drank. And I don't mean a lot, I'm talking only 1 or 2 beers. She tells me that it's not something she'd ever make a habit of, just that she likes to drink occasionally as a social thing to do. The problem is, I'm not taking it so well.
Much to my dismay, I've found that when I see her drinking beer (my ex's beverage of choice), it brings back the sick feelings of loathing for alcohol that I used to feel when I was with my ex. It literally makes my stomach turn to see my partner drink now, and I've let her know that I have issues with it. After the first time it happened, I explained how uncomfortable it made me, and she said that if it was an issue, she wouldn't do it the next time we went out, so that I'd be able to have a good time without being upset. I appreciated that, but last night when we were out, she told me she was going to drink and I got very angry at her. I tried to explain more in detail just how awful it makes me feel to see her drink, because of what I've been through in the past. I told her that if drinking was something she could easily live without, then why couldn't she just not do it because of how it tripped me up and brought back very painful emotions. She drank anyway, and her reasoning was that she believed if she did as I requested and did not drink, then she would be allowing my past to control her....she felt it would be unhealthy to give in, and that I might come up with other things to ask her not to do, and she doesn't want to be controlled. She says there is no danger of her becoming an alcoholic (which I agree with her there), and so why should I make such a big deal about it.
I want to wrap up this post now, as it is getting so long, so I won't go into details about the plethora of emotions I am feeling about all this. Let's just say I feel betrayed by her, and as if she doesn't care about how horrible my past was, and as if she doesn't care if she causes me further pain by drinking. I feel like out of respect for my feelings and care for me, she should just say o.k., I won't drink if it upsets you that much.....I feel like she should be willing to make that sacrifice for me, and that I would do the same for her.
I need advice on whether or not I am being codependent here, by not wanting to experience those old nasty feelings towards alcohol with my new partner. I don't want my old issues with alcohol tainting this new relationship, it's why I choose to stay away from alcohol myself.....I just don't need it, it won't benefit me, the risk is just that it will hurt me. Is it unfair of me to ask her not to drink, is it unfair to have that boundary for my relationship, that I don't want to be with someone who drinks, even socially? Or am I asking too much of her, and transposing my own issues onto her shoulders?
All opinions are welcome, thanks!
-- Edited by BlueAlexis at 22:04, 2008-02-24
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I could sleep when I lived alone....is there a ghost in my house?
Welcome BlueAlexis! You are in the right place. This is the place we come when we have a problem with someone else's drinking.
I had a few relationships where my BF at the time would stop drinking and drugging and expect me to also. His justification was if he couldn't (or didn't want to anymore) then why should I, being his GF and all. What was good for him was good for me, was his idea. And me, being the good, co-dependent, Gf that I was didn't think twice. I didn't question his logic. I just accepted.
Now, it was never a bad idea for me not to drink or drug. In fact, that was a really great idea. But the fact that someone I was intimately involved with told me to do something for them and I didn't even think about it, just agreed, that was a bad idea and a REALLY bad pattern to establish. It started with the "don't drink" and it just went on from there.
We don't give advice here and I wouldn't even dream that I know what you should do. Like I said this is the place to be if you have a problem with someone else's drinking.
I do not drink today for some of the same reasons you mentioned. I do not like alcohol and it has never been a good part of my life. I don't drink. I am dating again and most of the men I have gone out with have a drink. It is socially acceptable. A couple have felt uncomfortable with the fact I don't drink. I am not uncomfortable with that fact. It is who I am. I refuse to be involved with another A. I doubt that I could ever have a long term relationship with someone who drinks socially. I will never have alcohol in my home as I have kids who are genetically high risk.
I guess it comes down to boundries. I make boundries to keep me safe and sane. I can't make someone else do something to make me feel safe. It will not work. It will lead to resentments.
"...I appreciated that, but last night when we were out, she told me she was going to drink and I got very angry at her. I tried to explain more in detail just how awful it makes me feel to see her drink, because of what I've been through in the past. I told her that if drinking was something she could easily live without, then why couldn't she just not do it because of how it tripped me up and brought back very painful emotions. She drank anyway, and her reasoning was that she believed if she did as I requested and did not drink, then she would be allowing my past to control her....she felt it would be unhealthy to give in, and that I might come up with other things to ask her not to do, and she doesn't want to be controlled. She says there is no danger of her becoming an alcoholic (which I agree with her there), and so why should I make such a big deal about it."
You asked for our opinions... so here goes. My own opinion, I agree with your girlfriend. This is your own issue from your past. Asking her to not drink at all isn't solving your issue - that issue is still there. I can remember when I too was angry at alcohol and looked at anyone who drank as "bad" and I wouldn't drink myself either. I worked through that issue, realizing it isn't the alcohol alone which makes an alcoholic. Today I enjoy having a drink myself in social settings. Its a matter of being able to separate the distinctions. Would I be correct in thinking you don't want her to drink because there is the underlying fear that something bad (such as in your past) might come of it? Was it the alcohol or the person who created such pain for you in the past? Sounds to me like this would be a really good issue to work on with your sponsor.
It's okay to set boundaries... but remember, a boundary is something we can enforce ourself. A boundary is not something which someone else would need to enforce (i.e. your gf not drinking - thats for her to enforce, not you - hence not a boundary in terms of how Al-Anon teaches boundaries, you see?) For clarity purposes, the difference would be in these two examples: "I won't be with you unless you stop drinking completely." <--ultimatum/controlling of other "I won't be in a relationship with anyone who drinks." <--Choosing for self
((((hugs)))))))) to you. Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Welcome to MIP. I hope that you will consider finding some F2F meetings. My home group has a number of regulars who no longer have active As in their lives, but they continue to work a program in Al-Anon to keep their own "isms" under conrol. Working the steps with a sponsor might also help you to let go the wreakage left behind by your A. This is a program of miracles!!
I have learned in this program that I cannot control anyone else's behavior (A or not) and I have no business even trying. Each person is entitled to the dignity of living their own lives, making their own choices and living with the consequences.
What I can (and should) do is use the voice that I have worked so hard to find again and set boundaries for acceptable behavior by others in my life. So, I can tell others what I can and cannot live with, but then I have to let it go. At that point, it is out of my hands. It is up to the other person to decide what, if anything, he or she will do with that information. If the boundary is crossed, it is up to me to follow-through and take action to protect that boundary. I cannot threaten or guilt or manipulate someone anymore to try to get them to behave as I want them too--I tried that with the A and look where it got me, nowhere!!
I have told my sober AH that if he ever starts drinking again that I cannot be with him because I do not trust that other person not to hurt me physically, emotionally and spiritually. I did not tell him he cannot drink--that is up to him. However, if he relapses it is up to me to enforce that boundary and separate myself from him.
My sister and brother-in-law were here for a visit and asked if they could bring alcohol into the house. I told them no--the idea of drinking in my home again almost makes me physically ill. I was able to set that boundary because it was my house--and they honored that boundary. If I were visiting at their home, however, I believe that it would be inappropriate for me to demand that they not have alcohol in their own home.
Again, welcome and I hope that you keep coming back.
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I just wanted to say that I really appreciate the replies I've gotten so far, and I am very pleased to already be finding "good stuff to chew on." This is what I needed! To hear from other people about their own experiences and point of view.....I haven't been to an Al-Anon meeting in years, and have moved to a new state since, but I think I may have found an open meeting near me to visit tomorrow.....I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll follow through and go, because I'm pretty nervous about it.
To answer a question......I want to address the issue of realizing that the alcohol itself is not the problem, it's the abuse of it which is someone else's choice. I do get that in my head, but I was worried about it getting "lost in translation" within myself. I can see that by asking my g/f not to drink, I'm treating the alcohol itself as the problem, because there is no danger of her abusing it. I guess it's my own emotions that come up when I see her do it that I don't want to face.....but I need to, hence my hopeful attendance at tomorrow's meeting.
I also have one more question.....an F2F meeting was mentioned for those who are no longer in relationship with an active A. What exactly is F2F? I'd like to find out more, thanks!
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I could sleep when I lived alone....is there a ghost in my house?
I have set these boundaries with myself. One: I won't buy it and two, a woman doesn't have a chance in H-E- "double hockey sticks" of any romance with beer on her breath. Just like garlic to me, if both don't have some, the other is overwhelmed with the odor. She can flip her hair and dab perfume all she wants but she's staying at least an arms length away:)
Another thing I do is not aggravate the matter. I don't take someone to sports bars or night club if thats where they like to drink. They can go there themselves or with another date.I'm not much interested in a relationship of this sort. I've been alone for several years now so it breaks the isolation and booze can loosen up some initial discomfort. Still, I'd like a date with a normal person without codependency or booze issues. I can't stand the intensity and mental entanglement anymore and alcohol is not something I have any arguements with about any more. Its alright for others but not for me. I'd rather go to a meeting.
Hello: I'm new to this site, and I love it already! I'd like to say that having that real sick feeling at the site or smell of alcohol is something I have learned to deal with. Because of this sort of fellowship I've learned to think of what is important for myself.
For me, to smell it or to see my A under the influence, puts me into a retreat mode.. I don't ask anymore for any consessions on the A's part concerning drinking. I have decided and talked with the A concerning things that are unacceptable to me.
Having lived through a bad experience with an A does truly affect our lives and perspectives on things. I wish you well...
Until I was willing to look at my codependency issues, I continued to make the same mistakes over and over for years, even after I divorced the alcoholic husband.
In reading your posts, it seems you have some very clear boundaries in your life, which is good.
What concerns me are the red flags with this gal, and I am wondering if this is a situation you can live with long-term.
Personally, I can't be around someone who has been drinking.
The smell of alcohol turns my stomach, and brings back bad memories.
First she tells you she doesn't drink.
Then it's a glass of wine on New Year's, and toss in a couple of parties since then.
After you express your clear discomfort of her drinking around you, she says she has no problem with not drinking when you two go out.
Now she's back peddled on that one.
I don't know about you, but I won't sell myself short anymore, for anyone.
Relationships are about mutual respect.
If I feel someone stepping across my boundaries, then it's time to take action on my part.
To thine own self be true (((hugs)))
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Sorry but we really can't ask anyone to not do anything. Yea, it sounds like codependency to me. Codependency is being outside of ourselves and looking at others. Maybe you didn't have the closure on the former relationship. Lots of help here at MIP or face to face meetings.
My opinion on this one comes from good old honesty rather than rhetoric. I do not like to be around anyone who is drinking, and yes, I would make that known. Quietly and calmly asking your partner to refrain from drinking when you are together seems reasonable enough to me. If she can't do that, I would avoid being with her under drinking circumstances. The question is two-fold: Am I controlling if I ask her not to drink, even socially, when we are together? I say no. Am I stupid if I do not think of my comfort first and so do not make the request because I think it is none of my business? Yep. My priority is being comfortable. If I cannot be that with her, I'll be it without her.
I certainly would not make this request of casual friends or co-workers. I would simply avoid socialy situations with them. But my partner? You bet!!!
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 09:16, 2008-02-25
-- Edited by Diva at 10:06, 2008-02-25
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
My 2 cents: those of us who participate on this site have been affected by someone's drinking. This is OUR issue. This button gets pressed when (drum roll please) Someone close to us Drinks!!
OK, so I have spent over half of my 20 months in al-anon just accepting that fact: I have been affected by someone else's drinking.
(On good days, no problem, I can admit this and know exactly what it looks, smells and sounds like, what tools I have to use to deal with it, etc. On bad days, I still slide into deep denial about it. This hot and cold running awareness is really typical of the first few years in al-anon, I have been told and it makes sense to me. I have been doing pretty good lately but tomorrow, I may be sticking my foot in my mouth and relapsing like crazy)
I think its totally normal to head into panic mode when we SEE this. The trick is (for ME) to just watch and not necessarily DO anything: watch them and watch ourselves and hang out in the horrible feelings the sight of this generates in us because of our past situations which got us into this site and into al-anon to begin with. You already know what you need to do because you say it in your post: face your feelings that have NOTHING TO DO WITH HER, her action is triggering you. You can ask her to not do or do certain things but if you have not really explained why, she may not really "get it". if you do not really know why yourself, you may want to seriously invest in finding out.
Alex, do not be too hard on yourself or on your gf at this point. I would just suggest that harshness is not going to do you or her or your situation any good. Most of all, being harsh with yourself is NEVER a good idea, we are already really really too hard on ourselves anyway.
I would suggest that you very carefully WATCH and observe both yourself and her and I would encourage you to have your feelings and trace them to the best of your ability, back to their origins. I would strongly suggest you get into some meetings asap- not just one, but just go, go, go to every meeting you can and keep going even if it makes no sense or you do not feel like it.
One of the fundamental things al-anon is teaching me is that I cannot control other people's actions.
I went thru that same phase of hating all things alcohol too. I have come far enough now to realize that alcohol is not the culprit. It is the disease of alcoholism that is the problem.
I totally agree with the things Kismet said.
It is good that you have told your girlfriend some of your feelings/issues with alcohol. That is for you. Whether or not she chooses to do anything with that information is for her to decide.
I used to get so angry with my ex wife for "choosing" alcohol over me. I realize now for her as an alcoholic she didn't really have much of a choice at the time. Drinking is what untreated alcoholics do. However, whenever, whereever they can.
When people in my life today drink around me, I will freely tell you my very first gut reaction is sometimes fear. But, I no longer let that fear run rampant over me. I recognize it, and I deal with it.
In my opinion, someone choosing to drink alcohol around me, even when they know the effects alcoholism have had on my life, is not about me. It is not there job to alter who they are for me. I have friends that enjoy a glass or two of wine, a beer or a margarita. Hell, sometimes I join them now.
It is not their job to fix me. That is my job. If I still have a problem with other people drinking around me, I need to get to work.
That is what al-anon is all about. Focusing on me. Fixing me. Me learning to live my life on my terms. Me learning to stop focusing on the actions of others and looking at my own actions.
I need to remember a couple of things. One, I am not in competition with alcohol. No one can choose alcohol over me, or me over alcohol. That's comparing apples to oranges.
The other thing is, it is not my place to try to change someone else to fit a mold I have prepared of how I want them to be. I have to accept them as they are or not at all.
These feelings about being around anyone who drinks can be one of two things.
One - it could be a way of taking care of yourself, of making sure you are never again put in a situation that is dangerous to you, a healthy protection - sorta like staying away from things that you are allergic to. Or, it could be a crippling fear, based on past events but not present reality, which is keeping you from living life to its fullest - sorta like agoraphobia. Both of these could look the same from the outside - the only person who would be able to tell the difference would be you.
So, it's back to the program - brutal honesty with yourself, daily inventory, examination of your motives. Has your girlfriend being giving other signs of disrespect for your happiness and comfort, of which this issue would be only a symptom? Are you showing other signs of controlling? Are you reaching toward something, or running away from something?
And, it may be, given that she has her own issues to contend with, that, with the best will and healthiest motives on both your parts, this might be a deal breaker. It may not be possible to resolve without one of you doing violence to your sense of self. If so, I'm sorry.
Welcome to the MIP family. I'm with David and Kis on this. No, I don't like to be around people who drink. But I respect their right to do so. I go out once a month with a group of ladies. When we have dinner, some of us drink, others don't. We have one person that will join us once in awhile, who clearly has a problem with alcohol. Yes, it makes me cringe. Yes, I would prefer that she not drink. But I can't control any of them. If one of them has had too much to drink, we make sure one of us is a designated driver. I'm sorry that you are having troubles. But for me, it would be unfair of me to ask them not to drink because of my history with my A. They are adults and have choices to make. Now, when it comes to my colleagues at work, some like to party others do not. I will tend to socialize with the ones who are not the partyers, because frankly I'm old. Been there. Done that.
As adults we have to allow others the dignity of making a choice. It doesn't matter if they are addicts or not. The only person I can control is myself. Please continue on with your meetings. You know how helpful they were when you were dealing with the A in your life. The beauty of this program is that it continues to be beneficial when there isn't an A in your life. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Welcome to MIP...glad you found us. This is a great sight to hear experience, strength and hope for those of us who have been affected by the disease of alcoholism. I too have difficulty being around those who drink. I don't even like going down the isle in the grocery stores where the alcohol is. It makes me feel uncomfortable and brings back lots of bad memories. For the longest time I actually had a physical reaction to just seeing the bottles. That has gotten better for me. For me the issue of asking someone not to drink is a step one issue. I am powerless. In accepting that step I know I cannot ask anyone to not drink. Someone elses's choices are not mine. I do not own them. What I can do is take care of me...and for me that is to not be where anyone is drinking. I choose social functions where people aren't drinking. I do have friends that drink...and if someone drinking is going to upset me I just leave. I make whatever excuse I need to leave. For me it allowing others to make their choices and I make mine. Just my two cents...
I think for me personally, I know that I get triggered with serious fear when a man that I love drinks. Now on the flip side if I am out at a bar and pick up a guy whom I really have no intention of having a "relationship" with then I could care less. I haven't been in another relationship since leaving my husband so I don't know how I would react but here's what I hope I will do when the time comes.
I will pick someone who's not an addict/alcoholic who can drink responsibly. I like to have a drink here and there now because I didn't at all when I was with him - wouldn't want to give him an excuse to...which is so extremely codependent it's not even funny looking back on that. Implying that I could cause him to drink. Anyway, I guess I didn't like to encourage it and now I feel "free" do drink if I want to. I would hope that I would be able to have a few drinks with my new guy, not have to worry about what may become of it and if it became a problem later on, I would have the wisdom to recognize it and the courge to run not walk away as fast as possible.
As for your issue, yes it is controlling to ask someone who doesn't have a problem not to drink and yes it is rude and thoughtless of her to do it anyway if she knows it bothers you and you have specifically asked her not to. So, you're both right and both wrong all at the same time. I would hope that I would not make an issue out of drinking unless it beacame a problem but also that whomever I chose would be respectful of my feelings in general, not just about drinking and for her to blatantly disregard your feelings would be a serious serious warning sign to me.
In the end it is all about what you are willing to tolerate and what you're not. She said she didn't drink. Was that a KEY factor in why you started dating her or just a bonus? All you can control is you so you have to decide either you know she doesn't have a problem and you don't care if she drinks or it bothers you too much and it's time to move on. Either way, the cards are all in your hands and it's about your personal preference.
I just know if I ever ended up divorced and came to a point where I was seeking new relationships, drinking, drugs and smoking would all be deal-breakers for me. I've been through too much, I know I PERSONALLY cannot tolerate it because of my past experiences, so why put another person through my intolerance of substance abuse (or my perceived risk thereof)?
I know that sounds like a lot of potentially impossible demands for another human being to meet for me to feel comfortable with them... but hey - I don't smoke, do drugs, nor drink (used to socially but after all this, I have NO interest in doing so ever again) - so if I exist, there must be others existing out there who fit the bill, too.
Anyhow - I don't like thinking of taking my life that far. I'm still married, and I still want to try to overcome the hurts I've gone through with my current relationship. My AH fits two of the criteria - no smoking or drugs... but yeah... the alcoholism is there... and it's a biggie. And his sexual identity issues are still lurking, too.
Whew. People aren't kidding when they say "life isn't easy!"
Well as I've said in other posts. I did not drink around the A or be around him when he was using. Did that affect him? Not one bit. I refused to go out with him and have him drive drunk. That was one thing I did. Nevertheless there is no questions substances ruled his life. Did I see that? Nope not really. He always had excuses galore, chaos galore. I was trying to control the impossible.
Personally I do not choose to be around people socially who drink or smoke. I don't like it. I have been to parties but I must say I get anxious. I avoid them.
I know for me in leaving the relationship with the exA I am often thrown back into remembering certain things. This January was a tough one. I know for me its working through grief so I don't necessarily think its dysfunctional to revisit certain feelings. I think it takes a long time for some of us to work through this stuff..
Thanks so much for the warm welcome, everyone! Well, I did try to attend a meeting tonight, but no one was there! Either I had the wrong meeting place or the wrong time.....but that's o.k., I'm trying again tomorrow. :)
I appreciate all the varying opinions and experiences everyone has shared.....I want to specifically respond to what Jean said about not being too hard on myself at this point. I'm actually struggling with that particular issue at this very moment. My g/f and I were just out with some friends, and I came home early because everyone was getting ready to go to a bar. It's a tradition with this group of friends to meet and hangout and then go to a bar...some people drink, some don't, but mostly it's just about talking and discussing political issues. My g/f wanted to go with everyone, but I found myself (once again) just unable to go because I kept thinking about how horrible I'd probably end up feeling if I sat in a bar and watched people drink and felt like the outsider.....felt like the only person there who could be so pathetic by having a freak-out session within my brain while everyone else talked and laughed and acted normal. I don't think my g/f was even going to drink, but I didn't ask because I really didn't want to know. I don't want to obsess over it, because like I said, she doesn't even have a problem. I also felt that asking her would be involving her in my twistedness with all of this, and I don't want to transfer these issues I have onto her. I do hope that after me explaining more of how I feel about drinking to her, she will decide of her own accord not to drink, but I think it would be an unhealthy pattern to establish if I asked her straight up to just not drink at all. I can see now that SHE has to be the one to decide, and I can only make my feelings known. It's hard not to hope that my feelings will influence her. I do feel guilty about that.
So back to my story about tonight....I came home alone, even though I wanted to be able to hang out with everyone....I came home alone to avoid potentially feeling angry/hurt/confused/and basically like a loser while sitting in that bar downtown.......and so instead, I am home feeling like a loser. :( It's like you can't win. Yes, I let her make her own decision to go and I stayed out of it. I only decided for myself that I would come home, but it really doesn't make me feel any better. I just feel lonely and like I am limiting myself from being social, and that is something that I need to have more of, not less. I am living in a new place where I don't know many people, so it's important that I am able to take the opportunity to socialize when it arises.....I become depressed otherwise.
Has anyone felt this way, like no matter if you choose to go and try to tough it out or to avoid the situation involving alcohol, that you can't win? I mean, maybe this goes along with what some of you were pointing out about how alcohol itself isn't the problem, it's the disease that is the problem.....the disease that affects me, even though I don't drink. Maybe that is the key, to try to cure myself of the effects of this disease on my life. The trouble is, it's been going on so long that I don't even know anymore sometimes what is an actual emotion that belongs naturally to me and who I am, or what is an emotion that is influenced by what the disease has done to my life. It feels like so much of the past is just hanging over me once again, and I am exhausted by it. I want clarity and truth and peace and serenity once again......
And of course, all responses/opinions are welcome! You all are great!!
Oh, and my name is Alexis, but my dad does call me Alex sometimes. :)
-- Edited by BlueAlexis at 23:07, 2008-02-25
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I could sleep when I lived alone....is there a ghost in my house?
I dunno that I can get to z really quickly. I can try to take care of myself. I know that for me (a) drinking was not a good idea I made decisions that were not good for me when I drunk (b) I tend to feel nervous about myself when I am around anyone indulging in an addiciton is that bad I don't know. I know that's what I feel I try not to label it bad or good.
I think working through the past is often a "wade" for some of us. I've been in therapy on and off for some 20 years now. I still have plenty of feelings to work through about my mother and father. Do I label myself in any way about it, not anymore. Am I disappointed that I have as backlash of feeling now and again, maybe.
Personally I try not to "should" on myself. I am where I am and try to work from that rather than where I "should" be.
I don't ask anymore for any consessions on the A's part concerning drinking. I have decided and talked with the A concerning things that are unacceptable to me.
