The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been in an anxious and difficult mood for several days. More than days really....I have been trying to NOT think these thoughts. But since they are just flooding my mind and I cannot alleviate them, I must just write them down and send them out. I dare not talk about this with my sick spouse; he doesn't need another thing to worry about besides himself.
My next cancer check-up is in two weeks. I am on an every three month check with MRI/CT for recurrence of my disease; it is common for it to recurr. It being synovial sarcoma, a rare and aggressive malignancy of soft tissue. Anyway, this time my anxiety is overwhelming. I keep feeling in my gut that it has returned. I am fatigued and my leg hurts. Prior to my diagnosis last February, I was extremely fatigued but had no pain....just this enlarging mass in my upper thigh. Now I have such drastic scar tissue from the radiation and the surgery, it is difficult to say what you are feeling when you do the hand scans which are recommended....see if you feel any lumps, bumps, differences, etc. I know that anxiety can cause problems like this. I know that as the next check-up approaches I know too much...so much more than I knew during the illness and immediately thereafter. I don't like to voice such thoughts, but there they are. I also know that my son's behavior/alcoholic or otherwise adds to my anxiety as does my relationship with his EX and my husband's illness. Put all together, it makes for very difficult atmosphere in which to find peace, healing, and confidence.
Thanks for letting me verbalize this. Just please remember me in prayer that I will have a clean check-up in March. I feel as if my work here on Earth is still very much undone and that there is too much to be done with my family relationships to allow myself to succumb to disease. Doesn't that sound like too much of a control factor? Pray for me to get rid of this anxiety. Give me some ESH about how to regain control of my racing imagination.
We who have been affected by this disease are always borrowing trouble from tommorrow. I have had a time living ONE DAY AT A TIME. And I have had a hard time "practicing these principles in all our affairs".
ODAAT to me means don't project. Let tommorrow take care of itself. I have no idea what it will bring. I sometimes find myself looking forward and my mind races with scenarios. I have to stop and look at today or it will be wasted.
"In all our affairs" to me means in every aspect of my life. I have recently found a big part of my life that, like you, I was not applying my program tools to.
I'm getting to finally realise that anytime I am starting to feel the crazyness creaping in, it's because I am not taking care of me, or not using the tools and applying the program to some aspect of my life. Sometimes we even have to detach from ourselves just because there isn't a thing we can do about it right now.
My prayers are with you for good health.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
In al-anon there is this great phrase: "Feelings are not facts". For me, this means that moods and feelings come and go. They are, by their very nature, mercurial and whimsical and they come and go- are insubstantial. I used to think that feelings were facts- they felt so incredibly substantial. Like they were made of stone. Since I began devoting myself to this program I have learned the truth of feelings and moods- they are slippery and not really the "substance" of my life. They are an accessory. Not the outfit itself. Today, I choose to see my great mood or my cruddy mood as something that will pass and return like the weather that comes and goes- nothing more and nothing less. Hugs, J.
Thank you, friends, for the suportive words and ideas. I am one of those odd people who always have liked Mondays....a new beginning I guess. Anyway, I am placing those anxieties somewhere and getting busy on a to-do list this morning. While undergoing treatment I was advised that cancer patients do undergo great anxiety most of the time until they reach that magic five year level, so I do logically understand what I am experiencing.
On the family level, the entire dysfunctional thing continues to swirl and cause chaos and unhappiness......out of my control as far as what my son and the EX do. In my control as far as how I approach my minute by minute decisions to let that whole mess alone. I am doing fairly well; the only problem is that my son stays pretty angry at me for my detachment. He definitely wants me to opine, advise, and then when things don't work HIS way, let me have it. Since he can not explode with the EX much (she changed phone# and won't call him except to leave messages from other numbers or ask ME to deliver a message), he takes it out on me.....why? That is what we are working on. I am demanding he not do that and it really makes him upset. He says I am ALL he has. I used to buy into that, but now it just aggravates me. He had a counselor, which he has quit. He attended a few AA meetings, which he seems to have quit. What can a family member do then? I hate to alienate him, to detach so much that he doesn't care anymore, but I have come to the conclusion I have few to no choices in this.
My spouse isn't much improved following first surgery over two weeks ago. Life isn't very normal, but I am just withdrawing from that as well. I can't cure him. I can only help take care of his needs. It is just a lonely life.
Thanks again for listening and supporting me when I need it.
Your son is not a little boy - he doesn't REALLY have to explode onto anyone. You've learned how not to do that, your hsuband has, other healthy adults do - he can too. If he wants to talk to someone who he can pour it all out on, vent all his feelings - there is AA. That';s waht it's there for - they can help him because they have been there too.
Good for you for doing your best to keep your spirits up. They tell us that a positive attitude really does help towards keeping the cancer in its place, which has always seemed unfair to me - "Here's a huge worry, dumped in your lap, and whatever you do DON'T WORRY!" All you can do is do your best, and leave the rest in HPs hands.
I am sorry you are struggling. I hope your next check up goes well. I know this must be incredibly scary for you. Add on the daily dealing with an A, and you're in a tough spot. As hard as it is, try and stay positive and in the moment. I will say an extra prayer for you. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
i can only give you my esh. When it comes to illness I have to pray a lot and do a lot of turning over. Left to my own devices I am as you describe a bag of jello anxiety. When I turn it over and give it to God I receive some solace. I'm back to praying daily and that helps.
