The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went with a friend and saw the movie, "Juno" last night. It is about a young girl who gets pregnant and gives her baby up for adoption.
Anyhow, there was a moment in the movie that really struck me. It took me a while to really figure out why, and I am still sorting it out. It was after she gave birth, and her father was comforting her as she lay crying. He said to her, "some day you'll be here on your own terms"... Wow! That was so powerful to me, but it has taken hours for me to digest why.
I look at my life, and it should be viewed (by me as the rest of the world) as a beautiful thing. But right now, I can mainly just feel the destruction, sadness and loss of it all. While I orchestrated my current situation by my direct actions, I had a willing partner, and many of my decisions were based on what he wanted. Today I have my health, a home, 3 precious healthy children, pets, the ability to take care of myself ( along with a struggling ah and business)...but I have difficulty seeing the good because I do not feel like I got here on my own terms. I lost myself in the process of life happening and I did not sign up to do it on my own. Things are not the way they were supposed to be!
I continue to trudge through each day waiting. I have rested my happiness on someone else and what I thought (and admittedly continue to think) he can give me, and that makes it difficult to see the beauty and good that can come out of it. I resist seeing the happiness I can give me.
I want and need to live every day knowing that it is my choice. Then, perhaps, I will be able to see it for what it is... MY life, and the only one I'm gonna get. And, I want to be able to see it as being on my terms. Does that make sense?
I am throwing this out there in hopes of clarifying why that line had so much power for me. Please share any thoughts you may have in regards to it. Your words, wisdom and experiences give me so much. I am so glad you are here!
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
For me, '...someday you will be here on your own terms...' seems to suggest that the place one finds oneself will be the place of choice and not the place at which one has arrived at as a result of a set of circumstances beyond one's control,
The difference between making do with the best one can do given one's situation and choosing what/where one is as the situation one wants to be in.
Does that make any sense?
For example I am living where I am living not through choice but through a set of circumstances that were not of my making and not in my control. I put up with it, or make the best of my situation for now and hope that someday I really will be living in the place I want to be, and then I will feel that I am there on my own terms, not because someone put me there.
Thank you for this, you really made me see what I am still struggling to accept. I do not want to live where I find myself. Thinking about it has made me realise though that I am in a much healthier state of mind NOW than I was ten years ago. It may not be the place of my choice but it serves a purpose and I have learned to live with it and come to accept it rather than be negative about it.
((((God Bless you Lou)))), and I hope someday you will be here on your own terms - where-ever here is! Hopefulheart
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I am such a realist; I read no hidden meanings in anything. The girl in the movie is young; she is pregnant; Dad guides her decision or perhaps even makes the decision for her. Someday she will "live on her own terms", meaning all of her decisions will be hers to make." Those of us who have come into our adulthood can and should "live on our own terms," especially considering what all of us have to deal with. Make any sense? You'll make it Loupy...on your own terms.
With caring,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Sometimes the thing that is out of our control is our own human failings. We are not perfect. Obviously the girl in the movie made some not so good choices that resulted in an unwanted pregnancy. At that point the circumstance seems out of her control. She is, however, responsible for the choices that got her there. And she can learn to make better choices so that the next time she is in the delivery room it will be with a husband and a planned baby they will cherish.
My choice to marry and have kids with an A seems like it was out of my control. But I am the one who ignored the warning signs. I did not know he had a disease, but he lied to me all the time and I glossed it over. I was young and inexperienced with this disease. I didn't know better. Now I know better and do better. I make the best choices I can now so I can live life on my terms.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I do think Juno is a powerful movie. I saw it on the weekend and can say I was drawn to it very much.
I actually think Juno did the adoption on her own terms. She made decisions even when they were very painful ones. I don't want to give the plot away here for those who see it.
There are times when I can see like this morning my relationship with the A was totally about the unfinished business I have with my parents or rather had with my parents (both deceased) as such he was perfect for sorting out those things that I did not get to in therapy. I think it was for me a powerful wake up call that I do not know how to take care of myself in relationship so my days of throwing caution to the wind and throwing myself into a relationship are over.
Do I still want to believe in idyllic things yes. I think in reality I know that any relationship is pretty hard work. I am far more clear on what I can embrace and what I can't now.
I think for me a huge part of my work is really looking at fantasies I have. I have huge fantasies of being rescued and rescuing as I come from a very abusive background.Those fantasies probably saved me as a child but I'm not sure they serve me now. Nevertheless I don't want to give them up because I have nothing to replace them with.
For me there is tremendous growth in looking at a relationship with an A, what am I responsible for. I am certainly not responsible for him anymore and don't take that on. But when I let go of him I see myself and all my many many charactor defects and quasi delusions about love and romance and relationship!
A friend of mine who I was in recovery with for a long time (sexual abuse recovery) said she had a life before recovery but her new life is more rich and nuanced than the life she had before she embarked on the journey. I think the future is rich for all of us who are committed to recovery. I don't think it involves a prince rescuing me anymore but I do think it will be "better".
