The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I decided to share this after some thought because some may have questions about the disease and someways it will manifest itself. Some won't care or see the reason for it. Understanding turns lights on and results in Ahas!! and leads to us having a clearer hindsight and map with which to live our lives. If you have ever wondered what some of the things an alcoholic (recovering and not) goes thru here is just a tiny bit on "...A compulsion of the mind..."
Most of you know that I've been around a long time (29 years). I came into Al-Anon 2/8/79 and during the recovery process of 9 years I took the alcohol assement which revealed that my drinking manner and history; mind body spirit and emotions were alcoholic. It also revealed that if I ever drank again that even may prove fatal as I had reached overdose on several occasions. In alcoholism that is called "toxic shock". Based upon that assessment and a treatment nurse (who came into Al-Anon in the same week as I) I "knew what to do" and started a parallel journey in AA. If the compulsion had ever raised it's ugly head during that time I may never had the pleasure of your company and ESH.
During the next twenty years I have been grateful for that assessment and for my Al-Anon sister's recommendation along with the welcoming fellowship of AA because...the compulsion has raised it's head many times the latest being last evening.
The manifistation sometimes is just verbal at the most unexpected times, "I WANT A DRINK!! WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GO GET ONE!!" I check for HALT (Hungry, angry lonely and tired along with my behaviors...have I been nosing around the liquor department of the local foodmart while shopping with my wife?). Sometimes the disease knows I am tired as it did last evening and that I wouldn't sleep well because of it and so it will wait patiently just before I wake; just when I am starting to rise and this is when it will paint me the picture and start the selling presentation and reminding me of what it looked like, how it felt, how it tasted and what it could do. There is not a car salesman or realtor or whomever that is so cunning, powerful, and baffling nor so convincing! I went thru come very convincing "drinking dreams" at 22 years that completely stunned me including asking my present wife if she was aware that I had the left the house during the night. I spoke with my then sponsor and he straightened me out that since I didn't leave the house and drink I could accept the dream as a "freebee" and go on. That helped alot and I am grateful he was in my life before HP called him home. Very early this moring I found myself at an event (I cannot describe what it was for because the disease doesn't work on that part of the picture...It works on my condition. In the event I was very tired, hot and thirsty (I work straight thru without food and water...a "till you drop" defect and one I use to relieve with beer after I quit the task. I was handing out two beers to lots of unknowns passing by and the disease was begging me to take "just two" (some of you may have hear this magic number from your "trying to change it" alcoholics) over and over and over until I cut and ran looking for my sponsor. I didn't find my sponsor but found another recovering "double" member I admire (both he and his wife are in program) in this dream and then I woke up with the awareness that finding isn't the solution. The solution comes from listening, learning and practicing. For the past 7 years I have kept myself within arms reach and earshot of those who have relapsed or are "suffering" (the compulsion is never pretty and never feels healthy In fact it leaves an alcoholic or addict feeling sick, weak and confused without regard to how much recovery time) from the compulsion to relapse. I have recently learned the difference twix compulsion and desire and know I don't have a desire. Still the disease will step up the drive and this morning in the dream I felt desire and fear all at the same time. I will call my program friend (my sponsor hasn't been to meetings in a while) and talk it out. This is the only workable solution; the only one I know that works along with honestly sharing it with others in program like this including being the guest speaker at a evening meeting tonight. I won't have to pick a subject it has already been picked.
I have shared this with a hope. That is that some awareness of how powerful and cunning this disease of addiction is. I don't need pity cause that won't help. I have had enough of my own in the past and it didn't help. This disease has been described as a "sleeping tiger that sleeps in the gut of the alcoholic and addict and will at times awake and when it does among a lot of other things it is frightening.
At times this is what some of your alcoholic/addicts will go thru.
Thank you for helping me to understand this disease a little better. I guess it's somewhat like when I am unable to control my compulsion to rant and rave when I am fed up to the teeth with my AH and his latest relapse. It sometimes helps to hear the other side of the story.
Take Care,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
(((((Jerry)))))) Thank you for sharing this experience with us. It opened my eyes to the reality of the calling that this disease does. Not a weakness, not a defect of character - a disease. Your words illustrated this very well. The daily work you put into your al-anon program has been inspiring - and now I know that the work you put into your AA program is equally inspiring. Thank you for your ESH - it is a light in the darkness.
As usual you are so generous in your sharing, for there is always something in them that I find quite inspiring and uplifting. There for the grace of God go all of us, you work this from both sides of the camp and you are amazing in the work, the effort, the self searching and strength that you display.
I aways find myself approaching your shares with humility because you are so honest, and tell it like it is.
As you have said before, FEAR is faith not having said its prayers, and I know that your relationship with your HP is one of absolute faith and prayer. I know that you have years of working your programmes, and I understand the value of your ONE DAY AT A TIME, for the rest of your life approach.
Thank you for sharing this, for showing your vulnerability as well as your weakness and be assured that I hold you in my prayers, that your burden will always be made light and carried by your HP when you find it weighing heavy.
Blessings and peace Jerry.
Hopefulheart
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Thank you, Jerry, for the look from the other side. What you said about the compulsion leaving the A sick, weak and confused speaks to me. Another glimmer of understanding.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
It helps to understand. When I find myself looking too closely and being too critical of the A I look at myself and others. I think that there is a part of an addict in all of us. Not to minimize physical and psychological addiction to substances. While we look at the A we develop our obsession of the mind. We try to rationalize that it is the A that causes all the problems but we cause problems with our obsession. And what better excuse to not look at our own defects of character and not work our program.
aloha Jerry, great post. our diseases mingle with others diseases! Holy smokes! The best I can do today is know myself as well as I possibly can in order to know what I can and cannot live with inside my life. I think your perspective and story is incredible and I thank you for sharing it here with me. Mostly, its your gentleness and sense of humor that positively shines upon me- your absence of harshness on yourself and others is such an important message for me to hear today. Hugs, J.
Did I thank you, Jerry for this post? No. I don't believe I did. This post has given me more enlightenment and understanding than anything I have ever read. Thank you for sharing with us. You cannot know how much I appreciate your words.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
