Why do I continue to stay wrapped up in my ex A? ESH please - Al-Anon Family Group

hippietrippiechick · Senior Member

Why do I continue to stay wrapped up in my ex A? ESH please

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((HTC)))))

Welcome back! This is where I come when no on else seems to understand and all I need is esh. I have been separated from my AHsober for 3 years. The more I pine away for someone who treats me poorly the more the disease likes it. So I meditate on what to do. Trying to look more towards my HP then my AH. Hard I know. We are still linked financially but I try little by little day by day to be self supporting financially and emotionally. Go to meetings; keep coming to MIP and forgive yourself when you screw up. Our HP's let us screw up and try again.

In support,
Nancy

Hoot Nanny · ~*Service Worker*~

Hang in there! Time will makes things a whole lot better!
That's what all my friends in recovery said to me when
my husband was way out there! Now we are almost
totally back together--maybe I let go & let God!
I also prayed all the time!
I have to have my time and he has his but
sometimes I babysit him--that is not healthy!
I get caught up in him and his issues.
Sometimes his financial support really helps
me, too! I hope something I said will help!
All we really can do is give our ESH!

newday · Veteran Member

At times I have been where you are. I have to remind myself everyday how bad the bad times were. I think we tend to focus on the good times and the "if onlys" constantly staying in love with our A's potential. We want to stay that arm's lenth away, just in case they decide to get better and want us in their lives. But the truth is, unless they are recovering and in a program, nothing will change. And things have to get really bad for them. Looks like your ex has found another enabler, so he may not hit his bottom for a while now...but maybe not.

I'm getting better now because I've shifted the focus on me. I recommend creating new interests in you life that don't remind you of your A or require his attention ($$$). The more you focus on you, the less you'll feel bad about him whether he's in your life or not. I made a list of really bad things that happened when I was still living with my A. All I have to do is read it when I feel weak, and I am reminded that I never want to add to the list again.

Good luck to you. Love yourself first.

K

aunitedway · ~*Service Worker*~

((htc)) this is a wonderful place to help keep you in focus on what is important. ((You:)) it is good to see you again. dont be too hard on yourself, your doing great, you are here! i love the support i receive when i ask for it to help me keep me and my eyes and my mind and my heart focused above and in the moment for my own personal recovery program. to keep my "self" focused on what is healthy and right for Me. i can have and do have a beautiful and my very own wonderfull life.

i deserve love and someone who cares about me in a healthy way.
and if not. (( i have my higher power)) and knowing what is right. thats enough to start and to find ways to enjoy living and healthier ways to live this life.   i will not allow negativity or negative people to control me or keep me from feeling good about my self.
that reminds me of something an elder told me years ago. "you came in with you and you leave with .. well just You. "     while here on this lovely planet earth..   try as you can to find ways to feel joy.   even if its in gardening, reading a good book, cleaning up amd making my own lil space for meditation and breathing exercise. caring for myself and my surroundings.
i want and so i do leave the negativity type people where they want to be; feeling tough and bad and full of blame and all wrapped up in their own behaviours.   i enjoy walking and going to the park sometimes. to just feel life. take in the air.

i began to practice my meditation a few minutes at a time .. throughout the day... and its gotten easier to reach for that tool if i begin to feel tense or am letting others get to me   ..   will take in a deep breathe and let it alll go (Let Go and Let God.)     meditation i have found to work small miracles in that is a wonderfullll way to really    clear my mind     clear it of all the chaos going on inside my head that is not mine to even be involved in. i can stop and turn away from those things that are not mine. i remind myself i cannot control anyone. noone .   but me.
i am learning everyday i am ok. alone even. i am ok. i have hp that believes in me, that is very freeing.
i want most to be able to recognize when its beneficial for me to stay out of other peoples business and chaos and feel the love i have been naturally blessed within with    while in life.      even if its just me and *myHP against the world.... i can feel love within and a place of peace within my own precious ability and mindset.   positive mindset.   allow no negativity in or around that.
i do that, because i can. me. i can do anything i set my mind to. it can be hard to do but it can also get easier as i go as the results begin to show themselves. good positive results.

stay strong and keep moving forward. decide what you want. what a terrible disease but it is also important what you allow in your home or around you. you have to decide and then stick to it. you do deserve so much more.
its true   get busy and get better!!

i hope you can...   i know you can...   if you truly want to., * get busy with You and get better:)

so glad you are here!! keep lookin uP:))

ESH · Senior Member

newday wrote:

At times I have been where you are. I have to remind myself everyday how bad the bad times were. I think we tend to focus on the good times and the "if onlys" constantly staying in love with our A's potential.... Looks like your ex has found another enabler, so he may not hit his bottom for a while now....

I'm getting better now because I've shifted the focus on me. I recommend creating new interests in you life.... I made a list of really bad things that happened when I was still living with my A. All I have to do is read it when I feel weak, and I am reminded that I never want to add to the list again.

DITTO everything that newday wrote!! (I got a lot out of that, too, newday! LOL Thanks!)

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha HTC!!
I knew you knew the answer!! "I keep taking it back." Okay now practice, practice, practice...Hold him up to your Higher Power; take your hands away; turn around and walk away. That's it try it again and again and again until when your bring your hand back down the alcoholic isn't there.

More lessons are coming. You gotta get this one right first. Dig around in your tool box...Do you have courage, hope, trust, commitment and dedication in there? Do you have faith in there? If you don't have those right now I'll bet the rest of the family and myself will lend you ours until you get your own, ...on condition that your practice practice practice.

Okay once more. Put your alcoholic in your hands; lift your hands as high as you can upward; repeat these words or some of your own, "Dear God please takes this from me. I cannot carry this much weight around anymore and I am very tired." Bring your hand back down and turn away from the problem.

Yours in love and service. (((((hugs))))) smile

Heartbroken · Senior Member

Okay ((((hippietrippiechick))))))

I have to agree that Jerry's visual and active gesture is GREAT STUFF, and I will be practicing that one again and again.

Have you ever read the classic, "Pilgrim's Progress" by John Bunyan? In the novel, the pilgrim - who is called Christian - is invited to take off his rucksack, place it at the foot of the cross and just walk away. His rucksack is full of all the things that have been too heavy for him to deal with, the awful things that he needs to shed from his life, the sadness and the hurt that have weighed him down. He is simply invited to pack these up in his rucksack and set them down for God to take care of. All he has to do then is walk away without them, he has been relieved of them, they are no longer his, they are being looked after by God.

Sound like this families' teaching? In my opinion it does, it is the same as saying LET GO LET GOD.

How many times though, myself very much included here, do we put our 'rucksacks at the foot of the cross' and walk away only to go rushing back to pick it up again.

Eventually, with practice and with stronger resolve, faith, call it what you feel comfortable with, we can learn NOT to go BACK and pick it up.

So, Jerry's little exercise is just that, an act of giving it up (whatever it is) to your HP and then letting it go and NOT TAKING IT BACK.

Great stuff.

Hopefulheart

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.