Where did my program go? - Al-Anon Family Group

round3 · Senior Member

Where did my program go?

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

hi hey I feel "someone" here is too hard on themselves.....again.

haha. I don't see where you went off your program? You care for him, you watched yourself, you sound very much as though you thought things out.

You have feelings, he has feelings. It is the disease that is the putz.
I cannot say I would not listen to my Ah. I know I would. I love him. But like you I want nothing to do with him. Oh also no I don't want him in my life at all.
But as you say, you are an ocean away so do you really have him in your life?

We are not mannequins mannakins? uno, we cannot all spell uno....

Our hearts feel what they do.We don't have to act on it but we have a choice.With alanon skills it helps us to know where our boundaries are however.

Like my g son would say, "stop it!" you are fine.

love,debilyn

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Well I can only give you my ESH. The second guessing is very dangerous territory. I have a friend who does that, well I believe this and that about someone without checking it out. I lived in the zone of worrying about other, not about me.

I don't go into the what is the exA doing not because I don't care but because its dangerous territory for me. Next thing I am giving up myself to take care of him. The boundaries are hard ones. I do not enquire how the A is not because I don't care but because of the damage he did to me is still needing to be healed. There may be time when I have room to care and explore right now I do not.

I also do not go into what can the a mean by certain things. I don't go there anymore. I simply cannot.

I have definitely been there and existed there last year for most of the summer. If I did not have this group and certain people confronting me I 'd still be there.

I am no longer a receptacle of caring for the A.

I do watch shows like Celebrity detox that is a good one for the ways A's compulsively act out. I also look at what I need to do next, day in day out, have lists, have plans, put it out there.

What do you need to do next?

Distance certainly helps. The A I was once involved with is for the most part hundreds of miles away. He does not drop by, I do not have a chance to see him. Distance can help sometimes and other times if there is no boundary it is nothing. I could spend my whole life obsessed with his self destruction. I choose not to anymore but it is an active, very very active choice day in day out.

maresie.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

smile Aloha Round...Sure you can't foretell the future and it's not prudent for us enablers to project or even do all the what, why, when, etc questions. You got an email okay. You still have feelings for the alcoholic; human and okay still. He still has feelings for you...still human and okay. He's hurting I know I use to hurt like hell when someone I cared for and loved (in my own manner) chose to walk off regardless of their reason. Can't help but take it personal because it is personal. I'm human and it hurts and I don't have any control over it and at one time she or he or they use to understand and I believe they still do and etc. etc. I don't see why they would stop understanding just because the relationship isn't what it use to be.

You can take him and the disease and how it may or may not be moving out from under the microscope. Trying to understand the what, where, when and whys of my alcoholic and how she might react if I did this or didn't do that was a subtle manipulation and not a biology study. She was a human being and an alcoholic of the first level. She had a compulsion to drink that she could not control and she didn't want to be divorced yet again and she couldn't and I couldn't figure out so why didn't she just stop drinking? She had this compulslion you see.... Her drinking and the consequences were not my business before we me, after we met and after we parted true? So why was it I hung on still trying to figure it and her out after we parted? I had a compulsion to have her in my mind, body, spirit and emotions just as she had for alcohol that's why and that was killing me on all levels. The more I had her under the microscope the more questions I had. When every thing was quiet and I was left to my own life and how that was going for me I would pick up a probe and poke the disease to see if she was still moving around on the plate.

You've made a decision for you and it's working for you for that reason. You have reasons for makeing that decision and they are valid. Stick with it cause you've got a miracle coming from working this program and more after that.
You can always take an opportunity to say Hi, how are you doing honestly and relay how things are going for you honestly without violating your boundaries and needs today. You are a caring person and so are the majority of this membership. Learning the proper way of caring and how to express that is what we are doing. This program has never been about helping me to stop caring period. To stop caring about others is un-natural for us I believe. I think we are learning how to care without leaving ourselves out of the process and consequence.

You've got some miracles coming. Stick around (((((hugs)))))

Tuggboat · Senior Member

You think your program went out the window because HE sent YOU an email?

I agree, lighten up on yourself round 3. :) Your program is fine, If you haven't answered him yet, you don't have to respond to that email until you are ready.

A boundary is not an end in itself. It is the means by which we BEGIN to sever the ties of codependency and find ourselves. Many of us measure our progress by the integrity of our boundaries. Notice though that the maintenance of a boundary CANNOT show progress. Maintenance at its definition is not a word that describes progress but instead works only at nurturing and maintaining a status quo of our own definition.

A real and healthy boundary grows outward as we grow. At first our self image is small and fragile and the self image is more easily focused if its not a moving target. Spiritually we should be expanding our world and not isolating from it. As I make decisions myself, I try to sense the path that leads me to a more open and freeing path that opens me up to do more of God's work. I cannot totally tuen my will and my Life over to the care of God as I understand him if I put rigid limitations on my behavior. To be born a chicken must crack its shell, a snake has to shed its skin and for a flower to reproduce... it must bloom.

For instance today I saw I had an unnatural boundary. I am quite the fixer and healer type as part of my codependency and usually can catch myself with a chuckle when I reach in to stir someones pot... for the good of course. ;)

Well my Mom went into the hospital today for a new Hip. Much to our surprise, she doing fine thank you. :) but where I met me at is that I am so programmed to hold fixing in check that I also hold back compassion and caring to the point I question doing even simple tasks for someone in need. You know... today i couldn't even cut up her sandwich, It took five minute for me to decide to untangle her catheters, people around me with loved ones at risk? I was afraid to engage and try to console them.

Now I don't have to console or enable an active A but my boundary got in the way of normal kindness. Today I know the difference between an active A and abusers after only a short time. Obviously,If I am to seek and do God's will this boundary needs a little reshaping if I am to be a happy useful part of his world. Being warm and compassionate to people brings me joy and self esteem. My rigid boundary temporarily took that away.

It is like an old piece of clothing that does not fit, perhaps I can pass it on. It was and probably still is useful but as of today it no longer fits. I hope or think I have outgrown it. I have a hard time getting rid of old clothes and habits :) but I think circumsatance and me have changed. I am safer today also so I can permit myself to adjust this boundary.

On A lighter note :) My exgf verbal abuser crossed paths around the hospital. Her and my family and myself are still friends. My boundary is to not make physical contact. Oh cripes !!! She reached around to hug me on her way for get well balloons. I'm about to go turn in my Alanon badge myself! I did good though, It my boundary not hers, I didn't touch back nor did I cold shoulder her enough to start a fight. wink

-- Edited by Tuggboat at 08:54, 2008-02-23

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

Just addressing the issue of the "no communicating while under the influence" boundary.

Maybe you might want to look at that - remember why you established it. What were you protecting? Is it doing the job? It's OK to revisit boundaries every now and then to see if they are appropriate. You may find that you will feel better with no communication at all, no matter whether he is drinking or not. Or, you may feel that it's none of your business what he's doing, and all you need is respectful communication from him - no abuse. Or some other variation. As you are finding - a boundary based on HIM, rather than on you, is hard to enforce, because it means you need to be checking on him in order to see what he is doing. Not conducive to serenity. Maybe see if you can turn this around, so it is based on how you want to be treated, rather than on what he is or is not doing. You may find it is then easier to know your own mind, and stop second guessing yourself.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I didn't read anything wrong in your post that would hint you're falling off the program.

If I separated with someone and they were thousands of miles away and I knew there was no possibility for me to get all entangled in their mess because they're so far away, I don't think it would be wrong of me to just be a friend and listen.

I think falling off program would be if you started emailing him back in a manner of joining his pity party and asking him if there's something you can do for him. You seem very well balanced and stronger than that, so I think you're perfectly fine.

Nothing wrong with being a friend and listening. But being a really good friend means you don't try to jump in and rescue him - you allow him the chance to rescue himself.

I think it's admirable you can distance yourself in the manner you have and still maintain a friendship with him. Every relationship I've ever left, I've always had the intentions of staying friends, but I just could never let go of the hurts I'd felt during the relationship and thus shut down and never spoke with them again.

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

R3 I am with the rest. You sound a-ok except you are being a little hard on yourself (I would too, if I were in your shoes, its so common for us anyway).

And its just an email. Its not even really listening. Its just reading and taking in information. You can choose to respond or not. When you want to. Its the beauty of email...

I know how startling that can be when you do not hear a peep for so long and then there they are again in email land. But this is all it is: a message from far away, words on a screen. No more, no less.

I think you are terrific and working your program just fine missy. Hugs, J.

silverbrumby · Veteran Member

(((round3))) I so know how you feel ....SB

drucilla06 · Senior Member

(((((((R3))))))

I agree with the others,you are doing fine.I also understand what you mean about where would you be if the ocean weren't there.

The thing that came to mind for me reading your post was how alcoholics always seem to have codependents around,don't they? They find us, or we find them.The disease needs us.
My AH always turns to me whenever anything goes wrong in his life.It's more like calling his mother though than his wife.The thing that is changed now for me is that I used to see that as love...that he needed ME.While I do believe he cares for me,he comes to me for help just because he knows I am the one who WILL be there,who has ALWAYS been there,to the point of having no self or life of my own.....and prgram or no program, I probably always will be there to help him if I can.The difference now is that I do think about what it does to me and how I can protect myself.I won't give it ALL up for him anymore.

It took time for me to get to this point.It's a process.I had to let him back in(emotionally) and then get stabbed in the heart yet again many times before I finally learned.There's no guarantee I won't be weak someday and do that again but I don't really think so.I think I finally get it that he is unable to love me in the way I want and need to be loved.

Hang in there.
Dru

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