The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Fro me over the past week or so I've been confined to bed with a horrible flu. I could not get out of bed for a week or more and I had to surrender. I did not go into a pit of self pity about having no one. I did not do anything much but surrender to that I'm not in a good space. I am not in as bad a space as I've been in. I had some money which I did not have for the past year. I could go to the doctor (not always an option for me before). I could go to bed without worrying about not having a place to live (I did not have that in the last year either). I also came home one day and found one of my cats dead out of the blue. I have not even told some people in my life that happened yet. I dealt with it all and then some. I kept hearing my HP say as many people in the program have said to me this too shall pass. Pass it did. I am certainly not in some great place. I am still lonely, isolated, poor, deprived (I need so much I can't even list it) but I am not feeling as desperate as I once did. I am also not looking for help in desperate places. I know for a fact I would have gone to the A before when I was lost and alone. I did not go this time. I let it alone, I let go. The A cannot help me he never could, he never did.
I surrendered and in doing that I started to acknowledge some of this monumental stuff will change over time. I no longer have the hugely horrible boss to deal with. I have no resentment towards her either. I just let go.
I lost my dear sweet cat but I don't have any if only 's about it. I can't say there is anything I could have done. I certainly can manage better but I am not super human yet.
I need help and i"m looking for it. I have many many many obstacles to deal with. I try to deal with it one day at a time. Some days I do better than others. Some days I do ok. some days I feel I've swallowed tremendous obstacles live and will never get out of poverty/ill health whatever. I do know without qualification there are certain things I cannot deal with anymore the A is one of them. I simply cannot go to the hell he created anymore. I know he is ill but I am not a resource for him. I simply cannot be. He made my life incredibly difficult and acted out all over the place. I will no longer accept him dumping on me.
One of my goals is in time to change my phone number and move so I can not have to deal with him on any level again. That is a goal but I am not there yet. Right now I am adamant I do not deal with him on any level at all. I choose that actively day in day out.
I do not judge others who choose to deal with their A. I dealt with him for 7 years and did not give up lightly but for me it is a choice and I know as long as he is active I am not engaging anymore.
I also choose health and that is very difficult for me because I do not know how to create health on many levels. I do what I can and let God do the rest.
There are limits to my pain just as their limits to my happiness. Not every single day is a up hill slog but I am still very very very very much on survival and I need to get away from there in time in time I will.
You're doing great. The surrender miracle is working for you. I'm sticking around to watch it happen cause I just love watching them come about. So your HP used the Flu option. Mine once used a motorcycle accident on me. It worked great just as it was supposed to...miraculously.
Let go of the future...you only have right now and as we say at the closing to our face to face meetings "....if you keep an open mind..."
Life for me has been good as of late and I have given up wanting more than I have right in front of me also. I tell my clients that if they think I charge to low for what I do then they can "bonus me" as they see fit. I present that also to my HP. Whatever bonus I get, I will be grateful for. Gad! doesn't that sound soooo good? Can the flu be a bonus? You fill me in on that one and I'll fill you in on my motorcycle accident.
Take care of yourself with what you have now. You're a precious, lovable, child of God. (((((hugs))))) So there!!
I am still lonely, isolated, poor, deprived (I need so much I can't even list it) but I am not feeling as desperate as I once did. I am also not looking for help in desperate places. I know for a fact I would have gone to the A before when I was lost and alone. I did not go this time. I let it alone, I let go. The A cannot help me he never could, he never did.
Maresie, The words you speak are exactly how I have felt about the A, my husband. He can't help me, doesn't care to help me or his children. I gave up waiting for him to care. After so many years of addiction, recovery, then to relapses his soul is hardened, and he has become very self-centered and literally a cruel human being. He is a shell of the person I thought I married.
It's difficult and it's lonely...I know...one day at a time ...right. We have to begin to make goals for ourselves without them now, and that is a difficult ajustment.
I do not judge others who choose to deal with their A. I dealt with him for 7 years and did not give up lightly but for me it is a choice and I know as long as he is active I am not engaging anymore. This is your choice...and many understand your choice...because for many it does get unbearable, and you end up being destroyed as well. It can lead you to physical problems as well as emotional/mental. I don't blame you for not engaging anymore. And the withdrawal from him is difficult, but it will pass as well. Sometimes I have to pray, "God help me not pick up the phone and call him."
mary i emailed Jo but have not gotten a call back. I am going to email a friend of hers right nowl hugs and you are keeping one foot in front of another.
I do surrender daily to what is in front of me. I find it incredibly difficult. I can shoulda woulda coulda myself into an early grave. I have much much much to do to move out of my current situation. I am determined to do it. Whatever I need to do I will move through it. This next month will be difficult I have huge medical, dental and other challenges to deal with. I know after the last year I can do so much. This last year was indeed one of the most difficult in my entire life.
I could go to bed without worrying about not having a place to live (I did not have that in the last year either).
That's right!! Think about what you have gained, your dignity, a roof over your head, more money, and peace, etc....
I found in my A marriage, I got shouldered with his consequences as well. What he could do in 2 days of a relapse, would take us years to recover. Not worth it.
I dealt with him for 7 years and did not give up lightly but for me it is a choice and I know as long as he is active I am not engaging anymore.
This is good...You are no longer protecting him from consequences, and protecting yourself as well. Good job!!
Whenever I feel an inkling to find out where the A is or how he is, I remind myself of how much he robbed me and robbed me and robbed me and still expected more. I have nothing left, not even a thought to give to him.
