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hello again! so, i did not go to the meeting on sunday because i had to write a paper for class, so i planned on going on tuesday night. but monday night, my brother (the A) went off the deep end. he started off with a suicide rant to my father, and started saying all of these crazy things bc my father had shown him 2 apartments to look at.
well, my father has had it with everything, and he started going off about how he can't tak it anymore, that my brother needs to make peace with my sister and i, and my brother shot back that he is fine with me but he will not speak to me until i "come out of the closet." my brother has told people we know mutually that i am gay, and i am nothing close to it. with a few of these people, i have cleared it up bc they are close friends and i have told them about his problem and whatnot. my one friend (her brother is an addict, but not an A), said she was not surprised bc her brother made up lies all of the time, too, to get the attention off of him and onto other things.
anyway, this made me so angry. livid, in fact, that i almost ran down the stairs to get into a fistfight with him. telling mutual friends is one thing, but spreading the lies to my father? low. the thing is, my brother is gay, and for some reason, came up with the conclusion that i am, too. i don't know why, i don't really care, but i care that he told my father. maybe it is because i've never brought a girlfriend home? or a girl for that matter? why haven't i? because i am embarassed. i am embarassed to bring ANYONE over, especially a girl i am dating. more specifically, i can't even hold a relationship long enough to bring someone over.
another thing he did was break down and cry about my mother. okay, i am nto upset about that, but what he said made me so angry. he started saying, "i miss my mom so much." to my father. what makes me so angry is he said "MY mom", not "mom". he is so selfish. he has never thought about how me and my sister feel since her death, and more importantly, doesn't care that my father lost his WIFE, his partner for life.
it was this, the gay comment, and other things he said that made me so angry on tuesday. i thought about everything and i realized that his Aism has not changed who he is, except his sobriety. he has always been selfish, ignorant, desperate for attention, and and he could never keep his mouth shut. i don't like my brother because growing up with him was HELL, and living with him now is HELL. one fourth of me can't stand my brother because of his drinking, the rest of me, that three fourths, can't stand him bc of how he treated me from the past until now.
and it was that reason that i did not go to the meeting on tuesday night. i realized that, and thought to myself that if his Aism is not the problem for me disliking him, why is going so important? i would still like to go, but it does not seem as important to me now. i am undecided, but i am so happy that i finally realized where my anger is actually coming from.
Please, go to a meeting. Just go and listen; you don't have to speak unless you are truly moved to do so. Your anger and your emotions about your brother are perfectly clear to those of us who are here. When you say he acted selfishly and ignorantly even when sober, you are correct. You are describing the characteristics of an A. My own family situation is my son. Love, anger, even hate are strongly tied together in the relationships of A's and their families. So a good start was to unload your feelings here. The next step is go to a meeting. See what can be offered to you. The people who are here regularly on this site understand, will listen, will share, will try to help you.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, your sister, and especially your dad tonight. You are in a rough place. You don't have to face it alone.
Kozmic - I understand where your anger is coming from. Sound like life with bro has not been easy. Realize that life with bro may not have been easy even without the alcohol. Some folks are just jerks - and even if they're not - siblings many times get the worst of the person.
I'm a grown woman, but right now I am dealing with my father who I'm not altogether sure that I like. He is not an A - but sure knows where all of my buttons are. I've found that the very best thing for me when I'm dealing with him is silence. I want to guard against saying things that I can't take back. Granted - that's not a huge deal for me because we don't live in the same state - muchless the same HOUSE. So I understand your frustration at keeping a level of sanity when you're dealing with what you're dealing with.
I encourage you not to give up on al-anon quite so fast. Remember that Al-Anon is NOT to help the alcoholic - it's to help you cope with him.
Finally - remember that those words he's throwing around are simply words. I'm sure your dad is fully aware of your brother's situation and realizes that many words spew from him - and most can be dismissed as that toxic "cocktail" of alcohol and anger.
When you've had enough - dismiss yourself from his company. You don't have to engage in pointless conversations and arguments with anyone who is under the influence....and my experience is that ALL communication with anyone under the influence is pointless.
Sure hope you get to that al-anon meeting and see what it can offer you. If nothing else, go to pick up some literature. It will open your eyes to this disease.
One of the things we learn in al anon is to detach and turn stuff over. Of course iti s infuriating to live with someone who is creating chaos. No one here has not been where you are now. We have all been to the end of our tether. The good thing is that we learn to do other. We turn it over to God (or God as we understand them) we learn to detach, take a step back and not engage. There is no way we can control another, we can however control ourselves. Sounds difficult I know. I have my bad days believe me but I get stronger all the time. This group has been an incredible gift to me.
I know... I've thought myself "Why should I go to meetings? I'm not the one with the problems! I'm fine!" The reason you need to go to meetings is the same reason you're coming here - you need to interact with people who are all too familiar with what you're going through, and you'll be amazed to find that there are even some people out there who are going through almost exactly the same thing as you.
I'm so glad I've started going to Al-Anon meetings AND coming here... AND even getting professional counseling. I can't tell you what a huge relief it is for me now to release the burden from my shoulders and get mutual support from people who understand. I sometimes think to myself "Jeez! Why did I wait so long?!?"
Hugs to you. Keep coming back, and get to some face-to-face meetings!
Hey koz, Alanon can help in so many ways. One of the first things that got through to me that I wasn't allowing myself choices. Choices determined by me. My initial reaction to the alcoholic antics were anger, hurt, rage, disgust etc. I came to know it was my decision as to how I was going to internalize things. I could hold on to all those things or I could choose to replace them with alanon tools. The A still did what he did but I changed. I started to find peace no matter what it was he was doing. I can do this (for the most part) no matter who it is and no matter why. What good does it do me to be filled with anger and ruin my life? Does it hurt the A? Nope, just me. He knows how to push your buttons? You can learn to not allow that to happen. It's manipulation. Wouldn't it be nice not to feel that rage and have him wonder why no matter what, he does it doesn't get a rise out of you? Going to a meeting is another choice but a life changing one. Would your Dad go with you? Sounds like he could use some tools too.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Going to a meeting really has nothing to do with your brother. The meetings, this program is for YOU! Not him. Not to help him or to make you love him or change him, it is for YOU to feel better, to live a good life. You said you have never brought a girl home or even had a longterm relationship. Want to change that? You can, you know. I encourage you to check out a meeting, check out a few different ones because they all have a slightly different flavor. Your life can get better!
This is part of the preamble that is said in each of my Alanon meetings. When I first began going, the preamble was all I could hear due to my fears, my embarassment, my "you name it." It helped me so much and I hope it helps you to know that you do belong.
We who live, or have lived with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can. We too were lonely and frustrated, but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless, and that it is possible for us to find contentment and even happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
We urge you to try our program.It has helped many of us find solutions that lead to serenity.So much depends on our own attitudes, and as we learn to place the problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives
The family situation is bound to improve as we apply the Al-Anon ideas. Without such spiritual help, living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us.Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.
The Al-Anon program is based on the Twelve Steps (adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous), which we try, little by little, one day at a time, to apply to our lives, along with our slogans and the Serenity Prayer.The loving interchange of help among members and daily reading of Al-Anon literature thus makes us ready to receive the priceless gift of serenity.
Al-Anon is an anonymous fellowship. Everything that is said here, in the group meet-ing and member-to- member, must be held in confidence. Only in this way can we feel free to say what is in our mind and hearts for this is how we help one another in Al-Anon.
The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope in order to solve their common problems.We believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery.
Al-Anon is not allied with any sect, denomination, political entity, organization or institution; does not engage in any controversy; neither endorses nor opposes any cause.There are no dues for membership.Al-Anon is self-supporting through its own voluntary contributions.
Al-Anon has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics.We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic.
yours in recovery (if you so desire), Maria
-- Edited by Maria123 at 22:55, 2008-02-21
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Wow...Insanity all around!! Your alcoholic and this disease is powerful in getting all of the other players in and out of the family twisted and jerked around. You are a participant as is your sister, father and friends. This wheel takes all the gerbils available to keep spinning as fast as it can. (That's just a metaphor for the insanity) You did what didn't help what would have helped more. I did the same thing in early recovery. I didn't go to the meeting!! Why should I? I will figure it out all by myself!! It's not alcoholism it's something else!! She's not an alcoholic, she's doing this just to hurt me because (fill in several excuses here cause that's what I had figured out). I didn't have any idea about the disease and yet I had it all figured out until I got soooo crazy I was looking for a UFO to come take me off the face of this earth. I was certifiably insane.
So have you convinced yourself that you have the answers and there is nothing to learn from others who have been here before you or is it because you are afraid to take the step that gets you into the rooms with those of us who attend meetings and have been where you are at doing what you are doing? I was afraid when I first got here. I was terrified in fact. I was a man and terrified and I didn't want to say that however everyone else in the room already knew it because that is where they came from and had watch everyone else after them come in under the same conditions.
I'd say you are qualified to be in as many Face to Face meetings of the Worldwide Fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups that you can get to in the next 90 days. I will tell you that this post sounded so much like me and there was a chair waiting for me when I got to the meetings.
I was wrong about a whole lot of things and the rooms gave me the truth and information I could use to change my life. They even taught me how not to instantly react to my alcoholic at any point in time including when I thought she was just being hurtful to me.
I'll bet that the meetings will still be there next week, at the same place and same time. I'll be that there are other meetings available also because this program is international. Some place all over the planet an Al-Anon meeting is available for both you and I as family, friends, relatives, spouses and associates of alcoholics and addicts.
Of course it is our choice to attend or not. It is also our consequence. We cannot ever blame our alcoholic again for our not knowing, learning and getting back our peace of mind and serenity. It has always been our responsibility on how things turn out for us. However I could only learn that in the AFG and for that I am forever grateful.
I'd suggest you re-read you post as if it were written by someone else and see what impression you get from it. That is only a suggestion from someone who learned the value of it here.
I hope you move away from the insanity and toward the meetings. You have no idea how happy life can get regardless of what your alcoholic brother is doing or not or saying or not or whatever.
I think you would be greatly helped by a meeting! It would give you someone else to talk to who totally understands what you are going through. As for the gay accusations, I'm sure your brother would love for you to be gay then he wouldn't be alone with that. I'm sorry about your mom and your brother making suicide threats is even more wrong because your father has already lost someone he loves so much. Sometimes rock bottom is death or prison. It's hard to accept that. It's going to take everyone turning their back on him for him to have the chance to wake up. If I could get away with sitting on the couch all day eating bon bons and everyone else would do everyting for me I'd be fat lazy and happy... Same with your brother and his vodka.
