The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
With all the ups and downs of my life right now, I am trying to admit my wrong in some of this. So I think I need to write it out and confess:
I am impatient. Impatience leads to illogical decisions, enabling, out of control emotions, especially anger. When I allow anger to surface I say things and do things that I later regret. I am especially impatient with my husband. He is and has been ill for four months. He never lost his patience with me while caring for me during my 10 months of cancer treatment last year...never once. Consequently, when I become impatient with him and let him know it, I end up feeling just awful and full of guilt and regret. He deserves far more than I am able to give. Unfortunately, he is facing two more surgeries over the next three months and we have little to look forward to except more of the problems of poor health, recovery, lack of normal activities. Right now the thing that drives me totally nuts each day is how he sits in his recliner and watches TV or sleeps. He used to be active; that has been changed by the circumstances of his illness. I can barely tolerate the noise of the TV and seeing him pale and gaunt just sitting there!! This is so awful to admit. How can I feel this way toward him when he cannot help it?
My son, who drinks to medicate his troubled soul, says that I am "not the same person" I used to be. He is correct. Illness changes who you are and how you are able to cope. I struggle to cope with him and his constant chaotic life. I used to be able to at least listen to him. Now I lose patience with his illogical behaviors and we end up in shouting matches. His father has pretty much crossed our son off his list of favorite people. This is a source of great sadness for me. But I cannot change my son, his circumstances, his father's attitude.
I need to take responsibility for my impatience. I need to turn it over to my HP. I need to try harder. I need to change myself.
OK....reading this in print and knowing others will also may help. Certainly I am a different person than the strong and independent woman I was a few years ago. If that is true then I have to recognize that and see how to work with the woman I am now. Working the Al-Anon steps does help. But do you never get them permanently? I feel as if I start over every day!!! I guess that, too, is the impatience I have. I have talked to other cancer patients who say that cancer changed them for the better, made them more patient, more appreciative. I wish that were true for me. It has made me angry, resentful, full of self-pity, and questioning everything. I so want to do and be better.
When I first came into the program about 2 1/2 yrs ago, I was told to "write, write, write." I didn't understand that at the time. I had so much pain, misery, etc. inside that I wanted some1 to listen to me. As I began to write everything down... I mean everything ... what I was thinking ...what was going on in my life..what had happened...how I felt ...etc. I found out it was very cleansing. I have loved reading your posts because I felt like it was an act of venting and cleansing for you to write all this stuff down. I'm so glad you've continued posting ... it's very cathartic and we also get some great responses to ponder on. So what if we're posting our pain ...that's what we're here for... to encourage each other!!!
Of course you are overwhelmed!!! You've gone through a lot in the past few years. Give yourself some credit girl! You're surviving ... and learning.... and growing.
I still continue to start all over each morning with the very first step ... I have to instill that in myself everyday; otherwise, I will do my own human thing and start trying to figure out how I can fix things myself.
I keep my writings for a while and later read back through them and can see where I have improved and where I still need improvement. One of my biggest things is just reading them and thinking ...omg, God saw me through all that, and I'm still here!!! Just reading my own previous posts on here emphasize that.
I think you are doing great .. are you going to f2f meetings? Are you working the steps with a sponsor? That is a big plus and pretty much a "must".
Take it easy ... easy on yourself! Take it one day at a time ... you only have to do what you need to do "today" ... not 3 months from now.
Hey you have been thru and are going thru a lot. From experience, anytime we suffer an illness, or live with cancer, or get hurt in an accident,we begin to feel more vulinerable.
I have NEVER been afraid of animals. I had a dog, not going to to thru the circumstances, suffice it to say, I had no fault in it,
Anyway this huge dog, Leonberger, tore my thigh open. MyAH and I thought I was going to die.I had surgery.
Anyway now when a dog is barking or comes towards me I feel paniced at first.But then I talk to myself and am ok.
So your changing is perfectly normal.Plus I have learned as I get older, I change in a lot of things.
Patience can be learned. I like to stand in line,wait on the phone etc.gives me time to just be.time to noodlegaze.In a docs office I get toread magazines.
Get updated about the adulterous couple Brad and Angelina.....haha
Pat yourself on the back for realizing it and being couragious enough to face it and want to change it.
Yes, impatience is something that has come through your posts in the past. We are all impatient to get through all of these bad times, of getting our health back, of being able to live our lives to the full instead of having to take ONE STEP AT A TIME, of finding our strength again, for wanting to get rid of the ugliness of this disease and all its attendant infections that it has left us with, especially ME.
That being said, we come to realise, as I have witnessed in this family and experienced for myself, that it does NOT happen in the blink of an eye - though when it does it may seem that it has happened in the blink of an eye. It is a programme that we have to work at day by day, and sometimes we end up right back at the beginning again. No worries.
What we do is pick ourselves up, dust ourselves down and (cue the song) start all over again. And, do you know we soon find that we have made up that lost ground and we are moving forward once more.
Courage, that is what I see in you, courage to persevere - and before very long you will be seeing yourself way down the road to recovery using this 12 step programme ONE DAY AT A TIME, just like all of us here. Hey I seem to go backwards and forwards and up and down but patience, I pray for that every day, patience to keep on going no matter what happened the day before, no matter what is happening to others and no matter whether I think that I am not making progress at all. Suddenly, like now - I realise that I am making progress and it feels GOOD.
I have JUST got it hammered into my own head that, it is ME that matters, how I work the programme, how I deal with recognising my responsibilities and how I accept the changes that I can make to ME and no one else, and hey, my changing is affecting others too...without them actually realising it at this time...I am changing for the better, and with a positive attitude. You will too.
You have come so far, and you are doing great. In recognising that something needs to be changed in you you have come on in leaps and bounds.
Praying that God will bless you with the patience that you need in order to change the impatience within. ((((Omajoy)))) God Bless.
HeartB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I feel so much better tonight! I PRACTICED patience all day long. Every time I felt that little nudge of anxiety and started to react, I closed my eyes and told myself: This is what you were talking about this morning....so stop, NOW!! And it really did work. It worked at the pharmacy where I was told I would need 45 minutes to an hour to get the prescription, at the gas pumps when things didn't exactly work immediately, in rush hour traffic when it took three lights to get through several intersections....get the idea??
Today being Wednesday my grandbaby stayed his hours with us. He was soo cute and sweet tonight. I planned making banana splits as his new activity. He was absolutely inspired by the maraschino cherry!! My son was here and we all actually laughed so hard at this little guy showing how to make a grouchy face....we all practiced. So it ended up being a good day and I am glad. I enjoyed the toddler bath with all the splashing and soaping and washing body parts. I loved playing a matching card game with him. I was inspired when he "read" two books to me; he is even using the same inflections I use as I read them to him. When I took him home I made myself stop looking for problems. Now I am home and ready to settle in for the evening, work some crossword puzzles, and get ready for tomorrow and whatever it may bring. I will also apologize to my husband for being impatient with him earlier today. He deserves it! And tomorrow I will try to remember that today went pretty well for a change.
It really does work oif your work it, doesn't it? Glad you had a good day.
I work in childcare, and I remember one thing I read during my training. The writer of the article didn't like the work "patient" to be applied to her. Her point was that there is no need to be "patient", if your expectations are in tune with reality. You know that a six month old baby will not be toilet trained, so the dirty diapers don't make you impatient - they are just what is to be expected. However, a less-than-happy (to say the least) response would be expected if that same child hadn't started some kind of toilet training by the age of 6, say.
Anyone here who has taken a two year old for a walk knows what I'm talking about - if you are in a hurry and expect to just briskly step out from point A to point B, boy are you in trouble. However, if you know that it will take half an hour to go to the end of the block, and you're ready for it, it can be such a delightful experience - examining every dandelion and bug, climbing every set of steps....
Same with everything else in life, if I can only keep my expectations in line with reality, rather than with 'shouda', life is better for everybody.
