The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi brothers and sisters, recently I have been posting about having some flashbacks and they have come and gone since and I had another one yesterday when I went to Home Depot for the first time in a long long time. See, my hubby and I used to go there like daily because we were working on renovating our property and it was the scene of many HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) scenarios for both of us. It is a place that really brings back so many bad memories, that I drove in with a heavy heart and realized that I had been avoiding the place like the plague and hadn't been aware of it. I recalled the horrible arguements in the car on the way there, in the place, in the car in the parking lot, on the way from there, etc. Just totally black.
So, then it hit me like a ton of bricks- why this is happening to me now. All the memories come roaring back to life.
I get to re-frame all this. I get to stand there and watch that woman. I get to hold her and comfort her. I get to tell her its all in the past and its going to be OK. I get to remind her that she is a child of god and that her HP loves her more than anything and is standing beside her every step of the way; that she is incredible and special and has a significant destiny to fulfill during her walk in this life. I get to feel that really intense pain and say: wow, was so incredibly painful, no wonder you acted this way or that way, etc. I get to see why I behaved how I did- not to condone it or rationalize but to really see what happened, take a look at it once again and feel it once again to really understand and connect the dots.
I get to see this now because I have changed. While I know I will have slips, I also know I have a program and tools and people. That woman I watch in these flashbacks has a chance to put a new twist on what happened and a chance to make some different choices should the same things occur to her again.
I am so grateful for this program and this board. Thank you for listening. J.
Maybe it's the moon, Jean. I have been feeling very triggered the past few days....ok, the past few months..LOL! But yesterday I had 2 things pop into my head that seemed to make me feel better. One was "HP WILL take care of YOU if you let Him." I had been spending so much time fighting the feelings that flashbacks were triggering and wishing HP would DO something about it (like strike ex dead or somehow make him pay). That wasn't really getting me anywhere. But I heard this saying in my head and I started to get it. HP is NOT my henchman waiting for me to tell Him how to take care of me. HP knows how to take care of me if I let Him. HP will help me with my anger and resentment and even my flashbacks (which I hate) and the feelings they bring up (which I hate even more). It sounds like you are a bit further down the road of recovery than me so I am really apperciating your honest posts and what you are learning. I am learning from you too!
Oh yeah, I have forgotten what the other thing that has been helping me was.....LOL!
Thanks Jean. I relate and your share is beautiful. I will try from now on to see myself this way when the old feelings come to the surface. Great reminder.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I spent a lot of time at Home depot with the A. He was in the trades. We also had our projects. I miss none of that now. I would not even consider for one second making a home with him now. I long to have my own place I share with others and have a tiny room to call my own. I miss nothing about him anymore. He lied so much he destroyed so much.
I do have flash backs too. I have flashbacks of fear and panic and that sinking feeling of knowing he was lying. I do not miss that at all. I may go home alone now but I do not dread what comes next.
I was thinking that the next time its time to "forget" al-anon literature somewhere (like for Lois's birthday which is coming up, actually!) I will choose to leave some at Home Depot, maybe in the women's rest room. I swear, so many wives of alcoholics have been yelled at in those aisles and in those parking lots!!! I can just feel it and I saw it often, all around me when I was there- I really noticed this when I was there recently. Men barking out commands at women...ugh, but I am just super sensitive to it so of course I am going to see it (and its going to press my buttons). Some day soon, I won't, I can tell. I am letting that stuff go...(thankfully). Thanks for your responses, you guys. Gee I love this site. J.
