The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Getting too close to another person for fear of being rejected.
Making relationships with others and finding I have to test their honesty and trustworthiness.
Opening myself up to criticism as I have a fragile and low self worth as it is, though I am working on this.
Being hurt more than I can cope with.
My question is, of the 4 points above, what is rational and what is irrational?
I would so appreciate your feedback so that I can process the irrationality in my thinking as I continue with my '...searching and moral fearless inventory...'
Please help me shed some light on this!
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
For a child who has been abused and locked in a closet, fear of the dark is VERY rational and VERY real.
I also think that these are not four seperate issues, but one large issue. I have these same problems myself, and depending on the day, I feel it is either a control issue or a trust issue. Either of those is legitimate and rational, and can be worked on. It's tough, but if you want it, it will happen. One step at a time, and all that.
Getting too close to another and getting rejected as a fear. Well, it's happened in your past so it seems pretty likely that it will happene in your future. Shall you dwell on the what if of the rejection or dwell on the fun of opening up to someone, developing a conncetion. And if that ends, just being grateful for what was. after all their rejection of you has nothing to do with you, it's all about them.
Makeing a friend and then testing them.....um that's not very friendly is it?Why do you need to test them? Why not just give a bit of trust and over time it will become clear wether of not they are worthy of your trust
Do not open your self up to critisim. Why bother? It is just other people's opinion. Not right or wrong. So, stay strong. You don't need their feedback.
You can cope with ANYTHING! HAven't you proven that to yourself yet? I know you can!
I fit the profile you listed to a T. What has helped me with number 1 is that someone else may reject me, but perhaps they are rejecting a part of them they see in me. It has been my experience that if you see it, then you must also own it. It is also a fear that they will see how ugly I am inside when that is not true. I focus more on my shortcomings, than I do my assets. It has been suggested to take a balanced inventory. Number 2 was not being able to trust myself. It had very little to do with the other person. Now I am becoming more aware of who I can trust and not trust. Furthermore, once a person has shown me untrustworthiness, I don't immediately fall back into trusting them completely anymore....thinking they will change. I will also make sure that I am showing trustworthiness to others. Number 3 I am still working on. Getting to know myself is helping with the criticism because I can discern what is true and what is not. I use the QTIP slogan...quit taking it personally and the "You may be right" response. Some of my experience has been that if someone starts to criticize me, then it may have nothing to do with me and it is their way of rejecting themselves by looking for an argument. Once I use the "You may be right", then they have nothing more to throw at me. I can then take the time to call someone in the program/sponsor or sit down and dig for the truth. Number 4 is not very easy since I don't like pain. Sometimes this is a part of me not liking confrontation because I will have to really feel what is inside. It is also a fear of being vulnerable because the other person will then have the power to hurt me. Hope this helps.
HB, your post could be the manifesto/masthead of this entire site, I think. Sure fits me to a "t", that is for sure.
I feel like I am making some progress on number one. Part of this is just aging, I think. The older I get, the less I care about what people think of me. Gotta love my 40's for that. I am pretty choosy about who I make friendships with and how deep I am going to go. I have found that I do not need many friends at all. I prefer quality over quantity any day. I am a perky quirky bright weirdo and most of my friends are, also, on some level. We can kinda see each other a mile away without even meeting each other. Its like a posse or tribe thing, maybe (and no, its not an al-anon thing, because there are really not many people I deeply connect with in al-anon although I do understand alot of them and they do me, too). The criticism thing has changed a lot for me, thanks to this program and the getting hurt thing has also-
Someone here said a while back that basically all that matters is me and HP- those are the most important relationships. I know that it is impossible to get so hurt I cannot cope- I have HP to pass everything imaginable off to. And no one is gonna love me like HP does. No one is gonna accept me like HP does. As long its all good between HP and me, that is what matters the most. The rest is just icing on the cake.
When someone is critical I can see its about them, not necessarily me. I ask for advice and then listen. When I do not ask, i tend not to listen to unsolicited advice.
My main work right now is to just retain an open mind about as much as possible. An open mind is not necessarily an open heart. I station HP at the gates of my heart to protect me and keep me. Hugs, J.
S. as I read your post,my first thought was, when you learn to love yourself,all that stuff will go away. I invite you to stop the negative self talk.Tell yourself all the good things about you.do you keep a journal?
Possibly write in there what you see in you, the good stuff. write how you feel, how you can change, things to help you to love you.
Since we have become friends, I have come to know so many nice things about you.
You are loyal, gentle, caring, trustworthy, responsible and more.
You are taking care of you.going to the doctor, listening to nice music, a good friend to me.
I can tell you are real, not manipulative.
Sooooo soon as you trust you,feel comfy in your own body,that other stuff will be behind you.
Maybe stop thinking about the future and people and take things as they come.
believe me you can cope as you get stronger.
I was shy, freaked at conflict.Now I face it straight forward and actually like it. I don't care if not everyone likes me. I don't care if we do not agree.
If someone is bad to me, shame on them.I may have to grieve, but after losing husbands, best friends,mother daddy,gparents and more to death, hey bring it on. I know what pain is, it has not killed me yet.
I get depressed, but still like me.In fact I tell myself,it is no wonder you are depressed,gads.
You have been thru H uno. Did not kill ya, allow it to make you stronger.
maybe Listen and watch people.Learn to feel their heart. You can do it.I betcha can.I can tell an empty or black heart almost immediately.
Honestly have not seen that many,so they do stick out.
anyway, if I knew ya better I would say,"snap out of it,dahling!" haha
Sometimes after going thru such horrible abuse etc, it takes awhile to lighten up.Everything does not have to be serious.A good movie, a stupid sitcom, watching dogs play, reading something frivolous can really blow out the dusty cobwebs and make ya stronger.
I agree with Debilyn, dear. You gotta love you. When you really love someone, you love them warts and all. You don't make their defects into mountains instead of molehills. You just see them as a fact of who they are at that moment, not good and not bad. That's how we should love ourselves too. We are just as deserving of patience and kindness as anyone else we care about.
Once we truly love and accept ourselves, we don't take rejection personally. We know its not a reflection on us. We don't have to test others honesty. We know we can trust ourselves to go easy and recognise untrustworthy behavior and protect ourselves. And criticism is mostly like water off a ducks back 'cause again, we know its just not about us. And at some point we are able to look deep inside ourselves and see the terrified little girl who just wants to be loved. We can tell her it will be ok. We can tell her that we're big now and we know how to take it. We have Experience, we know where to get Strength when we need it, and there is Hope for our future that we don't have to worry about tommorrow. We can live for today.
Big hugs ((((((((((((((((S))))))))))))))))
Go easy on yourself.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I can see that the tide is turning, and turning for the better. I no longer jump at my own shadow, or fall apart at the first sign of a negative remark. What's more I realise that I have been on overload from excessive [even projected] criticism down the years.
I am giving myself a gold star for effort and achievement for today.
One day at a time, step by step, I am learning to love me and trust myself to others whilst protecting myself too.
((((THANK YOU EVERYBODY.))))
HB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
THey are probably all "rational", based on your life experience..... They are also probably all somewhat "unhealthy", all things considered....
I think - as we grow in ourselves, increase our self esteem - learn that nobody else has the power to make us feel "less than", etc - we start to chip away at any and all of the above......
Yes, we can protect ourselves from hurt by not participating, but is that the kind of life we are looking for?? This is something we NEED to do during crisis, but as the crises subside, hopefully we start learning the skills to live and feel again....
These questions remind me of the ones I had to answer during a self-awareness course one time, where we had to answer (one word answers) the following:
What keeps me from people? What keeps people from me? What keeps me from seeking recovery? What inhibits my spirituality? (spirituality being defined as relationship with self)
The exercise was one to find our "blocks" that we don't always see for ourselves, so we had to do the "homework" of answering these questions above, and then had small group discussions where the group assigned us two additional ones that they saw!!! How's that for therapy??? :)
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I answered all those questions and the answer was ME, every time.
Hmmmmmmm, so what am I going to do about it?
Continue looking at ME and rediscovering ME that is to say, unlocking the person that I have always been, and who got lost, suppressed, changed as a result of the madness of this disease. I may have changed as a result of the disease, though I am realising that there is a season for everything and mine is fast approaching.
I can LET GO of the protection that is now not appropriate, and strive for confidence to let the world see the real ME, not the frightened, scaredy cat that I have become down the years.
Thank you so much. Great therapy! Lucky me.
God Bless, HeartB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Anytime HB, and try to delve in a little deeper.... For example, my answers would include more specifics than just "me", such as: arrogance, controlling, anger, fear, etc., etc.
Glad it was a thought stimulator... those are the best kind!!!
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Delving deeper, think this is the sort of thing that I need to focus on. A direct question, a one word answer. NAMING IT - SIMPLY. Analysis is easier for me when I know what I am analysing in that way. Got my thinking head on now and I am away to see what I can discover.
Heart [Working toward losing the Broken from my name, so each time I feel good I am going to lose the B too. Ridding myself of negativity bit by bit.]
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I like that, very much.
Heart