The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My brother, who is now in his late 30's, has been putting my family through turmoil since his teens with his alcohol issues. He has wrecked and totaled numerous vehicles in drunken stupors. Once hitting a woman's car while totaling his own. By the grace of God the woman was unhurt, as my brother would have been no help to her because he fled the scene. He has fled a scene more than once. He has more often than not gotten away with it. Even with all the numerous wrecks, he has only been sent to jail once and it was under work release. He has, for the most part, walked away from everything unscathed over the years.
My brother has been to AA before and has gone through sober periods in his life, though not for long. He is single and has noone at home to answer to at the end of the day. He works an executive position and somehow manages to get up in the morning. He is nicely dressed and scrubbed for the days work after a night of drinking at home to the point of passing out every night.
We knew my brother has been drinking heavily again for the last couple of years and for some reason we have all chosen to turn a blind eye to it. He has again recently totaled a new car and we have witnessed him on many occasions drunk to the point of being incoherent. My brother has no shut off once he starts drinking. He makes a complete and utter fool of himself and gets drunk to the point that I am amazed he survives. He has promised us he will not drive in this condition, but has broken that promise as soon as he runs out of cigarettes. He recently made a comment to my sister, while he was drunk, that he is back to doing this every night.
Breaking my mothers heart has not stopped him. Wrecking his cars has not stopped him. Going to jail has not stopped him. Almost killing someone else has not stopped him. He is now up for a promotion and wants to move to another state next month. I feel like my family has got to act now, before he is away from the ones who care about him and who may have a chance of getting him under control. I know that he knows how severe his problem is because he makes little comments to us such as how he wants to make sure that when he moves he is within walking distance from a bar so that he will not be tempted to drive. I have accepted the fact that someday he may accidentally kill himself either through alcohol poisoning or car accident, but will not be able to live with it if he kills someone else in the process.
Are we powerless to change him? I look at alcoholics as the most selfish of people. They will put their own wants over everything else and throw their families under the bus in the process. I know that is not the right way to think of it, but I cannot help it. My sympathy has been worn thin, but my love for my brother has not.
Step one of the twelve steps to serenity tells us...
We admitted we were powerless over our/their addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable
Marybell, I wish the answer were otherwise, but the truth is there is nothing you can do to help him. Only he can help himself. I know that is hard news to swallow, but it's true. AlAnon says, "You didn't cause it; you cannot control it; you cannot cure it." We call that quote, the 3 Cs. Those words are as true as any ever spoken.
Who you CAN help is yourself by allowing AlAnon to show you how to take care of you and give you understanding of this terrible addiction. Please attend meetings in your hometown, and come back here often.
With caring,
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 12:39, 2008-02-19
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
You can take care of yourself. the best thing to do for someone else that is unwilling to do anything is to realize what you need. And, as you're coming to terms with it, is the fact that your brother is unwilling to look at the reality of his situation. The absolute best thing you can do for yourself is to find a way to get help for yourself. Be it through al anon, a therapist, a minister, or a cause you're passionate about, working on yourself will allow you to rebuild your life and build a life that is seperate from your brother's, which will mean that it's seperate from the alcholism. It won't be easy, and the way I say it sounds oh so vague, but it will be a journey very very worth while. Moreover, I think it might be time for you to look at the fact that being involved with your brother's alcholism has caused you a great deal of hardship emotionally and spiritually. If you're ready to move forward to something different, do something different: live on a completely different wave length and for you! Al anon is for you to get your life in gear. It's a great way to rebuild what you've lost. Many of our members have said that when they've joined al anon, even if their loved one never stopped drinking, the relationship improved dramatically because of their prospective. It's a huge psyche shift, and if' you're ready, we are too!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (other people) The courage to change the things that I can (namely, me and my attitudes/actions) And the wisdom to know the difference.
I have a 30 year old daughter who is an alcoholic/addict. She has been in jail numerous times. She lost custody of her two children when she overdosed in front of them. She totalled an old van she had just bought.
She's back on probation again (18 months this time), and has thousands of dollars in fines to pay.
She now has COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) from heavy pot smoking.
I suspect she has borderline personality disorder.
Despite all the serious consequences she has had in her life, she continues down the same path of destruction.
I sleep well at night knowing I have solidly placed her in my higher power's hands, and his will is being done, not mine.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
My ESH is that when I obsess about helping someone, I need to look at: "Why am I so concerned about helping someone who does not want my help?" What is is about me that NEEDS to help SO MUCH? I cannot help but then think about what I am getting out of helping this person. I begin to list a bunch of expectations: If I help this person (If they accept my help), they will be forever grateful for me, love me, appreciate me deeply, thank me from the bottom of their hearts, be closer to me, etc. Its all about ME! NOT THEM AT ALL!! I can see that that obsession about someone else is me trying to control someone- to get them to love me the way I want them to- to get them to be what I want them to be, not how they actually are. Its very insidious (for me, I am only speaking from my own experience here) and manipulative and highly disrespectful. HOW IS IT THAT I THINK I KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR ANYONE??!! I mean, that is really pretty preposterous, if you really sit down and think about it, for real. The only person I know what is best for is ME. The only person I have any control over is ME. The only one I am truly and honestly responsible for is ME.
I agree completely with THSKS, I pretty much sleep well knowing that my loved ones are cared for by a power that ACTUALLY CAN create effective change in someone's life- and that someone is NOT ME, ITS HP. Hugs, J.
Marybell, I really feel for you, I know how it is to want so desperately to help someone but in our case helping only feeds the fire. I know it may sound strange but perhaps moving away from everyone that your brother uses as a crutch will be a good thing. If he is far from home and has no one to rely on he may end up in a position that will force him to wake up and see things the way they really are. It's easy to minimize and cover up when others are there to support you but when you're all alone you are forced into responsibility. The answer to your question is you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, the only thing you can do is grant them their wish to figure things out on their own by stepping out of their way.
My ESH is that when I obsess about helping someone, I need to look at: "Why am I so concerned about helping someone who does not want my help?" What is is about me that NEEDS to help SO MUCH? I cannot help but then think about what I am getting out of helping this person. I begin to list a bunch of expectations: If I help this person (If they accept my help), they will be forever grateful for me, love me, appreciate me deeply, thank me from the bottom of their hearts, be closer to me, etc. Its all about ME! NOT THEM AT ALL!! I can see that that obsession about someone else is me trying to control someone- to get them to love me the way I want them to- to get them to be what I want them to be, not how they actually are. Its very insidious (for me, I am only speaking from my own experience here) and manipulative and highly disrespectful. HOW IS IT THAT I THINK I KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR ANYONE??!! I mean, that is really pretty preposterous, if you really sit down and think about it, for real. The only person I know what is best for is ME. The only person I have any control over is ME. The only one I am truly and honestly responsible for is ME.
I agree completely with THSKS, I pretty much sleep well knowing that my loved ones are cared for by a power that ACTUALLY CAN create effective change in someone's life- and that someone is NOT ME, ITS HP. Hugs, J.
Jean.... I understand what you are saying, but I really don't care whether my brother loves me more or not and it is not about me at all. I would rather my brother hate me and never speak to me again and be SOBER than for him to love me and be a drunk. I am really concerned for his well being and for the well being of my mother who worries to death about her son.
Thanks to all who have taken the time to reply. I am finding the answers you give and the advice a great comfort and some really good food for thought. I have never been to an al-anon meeting, but may attend one. Will keep reading this board for it's wealth of information. Thanks.
Hi MB42.... you received lots of great responses here, so I will only add a book recommendation for you..... "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews - was a virtual lifesaver for me and countless others..... it is a very worthwhile read, and will answer a LOT of the questions you are asking...
Take care, and welcome to MIP
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
"Why am I so concerned about helping someone who does not want my help?" you ask.
I see your point now. Marybell, I think they call why you are concerned, kindness of heart and gentleness of love. Good traits to be sure. Nothing wrong with feeling those emotions. If we lost the ability to love and care, we lose ourselves in the process.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Welcome to the MIP family. There are lots of good responses here. A couple of things to reemember when dealing with an addict: an addict is gonna do what an addict is going to do, sober or not. There's nothing you can do about it. What you and I think is rock bottom for them, is probably not their rock bottom. He may not be ready for sobriety. Talk to any addict and they will tell you, nobody wants to be an addict, but they have to be ready for it. It's pretty scary living without that crutch.
My AH is a functioning alcoholic. He wouldn't touch a drop at work. You wouldn't know he had a problem. You can't make him stay in the area. As an adult he is allowed to make his own decisions. As an addict he is allowed to do that as well. Somebody once said allow the addict the dignity of making their choice (good or bad). Yes, it would be horrific if he hurt someone else. But you can't stop him unless you or someone else takes the keys away.
Alanon will give you and your family the tools to cope with this awful disease. It will teach you how to detach with love, how not to enable him, how to live with this disease. Your recovery is about you and for you, regardless if your brother chooses recovery or not. I find I also use these tools in my everyday life. I strongly urge you to find some local meetings and realize you and your family are not alone in this. Also educate yourself as much as you can about this disease. The more you know, the better. Please keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
