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I am trying to understand this - I know I am not thinking quite right but I just don't get why or how to look at this?
If what I want to do is have companionship with parent of my kids for family get togethers or functions but I can't make that choice for the other parent then how can I get that need met in another way? Enjoying your kids with the other parent can't be replaced with a friend or other relative in the same way. So accept the way things are, right? .......... then why does it feel like again I don't have a choice?
It is what it is but one spouse doing things the other spouse wants to do sometimes - isn't that normal and healthy? or is that really trying for perfection? or just a fantasy? I am really trying to figgure this out and missing some key piece, perhaps a mental block or the child within still trying to get her way. Please help me untangle this mental knot. thanks, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
You do have a CHOICE, though it is just not the choice you want. You want something that is not possible at this moment in time, so you have the choice to ACCEPT what is on offer or NOT ACCEPT what is on offer, and sometimes we have to realize that what is on offer is compromise which is never the same as getting our own way.
That is the CHOICE you have.
I had the same thing over and over until I realised that MY CHOICE was not always an option. Yes, I think it is the mental block/child within trying to get her way thing too but once I had recognized the mental block for what it was...the child within...I found maturity in the choice thing and accepted that the choice I wanted was NOT always the choice ON OFFER at that time.
Hope that helps to untangle the knot a little. Remember, untangling knots takes patience, acceptance that you have work at it slowly and thoroughly and follow the string back to it's root in order to get it completely untangled. I have learned to be patient and take my time, my friend gives up and finds it too hard to do, however the satisfaction having got the knot unravelled is worth the effort.
AS FOR YOUR NEED BEING MET? -Your need may be met in the compromise that you make, the serenity that you gain from knowing that you have compromised and worked with what was available and not gone on to chase a pot of gold at you ideal rainbows end. Just my way of working it out, after YEARS of practice and patience.
Hugs HeartB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
d, of course you long for that. Just like we long for a healthy other parent. Sadly with an A things are not the same as being with someone who does not have a disease. The disease of aism usually makes them not want to socialize with people who are not drunks, plus they cannot drink around them.I have seen my AH totally ruin a trip to the coast with me.
Before I understood him I turned him onto a neat house at the beach I have access too. He was a complete stranger to me,did not come look at the ocean at all.I was so sorry I did not bring a dog.All he did was watch movies.He did not even come to bed with me. the next morn I was so mad I packed up everything, would not talk to him,and we drove back home.
He never acted like that before.
I have Basset hounds. there is one day a year that we have the BassetGames. People come from all over the USA to be slobbered on and laugh together at our silly,stupid,slobbery, stinky, stubborn,counter surfing dogs....He came once. I saw how miserable he was and told him it was very ok if he went back home.
I went and met a friend and her daughter there after that.
I also,to be with him,went to work with him. I LOVED it. He was a remodel/electrician. He taught me how to build a house, remodel anything and paint very well. We really enjoyed each other and did not get sick of each other either. gads I miss that.
was not until year or so later that I came to understand his disease better.
It is not their fault,sadly it is their illness. If they felt shakey going anywhere drunk but self medicated to be able to do it, there is no way they will be able to do it sober and enjoy it.
You know in my experience, if you love an A, a person better have their own income, have a vehicle in your name only, have a home in your name or be able to afford it on your own. Make sure you have your own insurance,and have life insurance on him.
Make sure ya have somewhere for your kids to go if you die. Or set up so someone will help until the A needs them to take them.
being married to anyone with a disease is not easy at all. Even having a handicapped child can make a person sick, if they don't get a healthy mindset and not allow it to take over their life too.that can be very hard.
Anyway I know it is hard to face.I do relate.I am still married, my A lives in this tiny apt with another sick A woman.He told me I am free, but I do not believe him. I know he is in love with me the same as I am with him,it is the nature of our lives for over thirty eight years.I cannot change what it is.a hardone.
Maybe try to take your particular situation, and the alcoholism, out of the equaltion, and look at it that way.
You want to have happy family time with the father of your children. What if your husband were a soldier, posted far away? How would you meet this need? What if he were dead? What if you had gotten pregnant in a one night stand, and never knew his name? What if you had gone through such a bitter divorce that the only way you communicated was through lawyers? What if he had Alzheimer's, and didn't recognize you or the kids?
You get my point, I hope. Sometimes, it doesn't matter whether what you want is reasonable and normal or not. All that matters is that, for some reason, you are not going to get it.
So, you adjust your needs to reality. Happy family time with dad might be out. However, happy times with just you and the kids is perfectly doable. Happy time with you, the kids, and some other caring adult should be possible, and if not in your present situation, you can work on making it happen - meet new friends, get closer to existing family, whatever.
I think the more specific we get about our needs, the less likely we are to have them met. If you keep it fluid - I want healthy relationships with other people, I want joy in my life, I want a sense of community - chances are pretty good you'll find it. You might be craving meatloaf, instead you got beef stew. Either way your belly is filled.
I know all too well the desires you describe, those of companionship, but also of family togetherness. I wanted them both. Together at the same time. I fought for that for years. I don't think you have a fantasy or are aiming for perfection, nor do I think you are in error for wanting what is "normal" and healthy for marriages and your children. Unfortunately, however, we are not given the choice to have it or not, just to make the best of it if we can.
I wanted it for our children and our family unit, but also because that was the way it was "supposed to be". Sadly, I now realize that I didn't want him to go because he brought us joy (he was always depressed, grumpy and tired with his pager going off), but just because he was supposed to, always hanging on to the hope that maybe this time we'd have fun.
Perhaps it is just the circle of people we are around, but I tell you what, the fathers around here have incredibly flexible schedules and seem to have a lot of time on their hands! I always compared, and hated the constant questions of people asking where my ah was. My answer was always the same, "he's working" along with some song and dance of why he couldn't get away. I'd defend his absence because I didn't want anyone to think he was not a great dad and my loving husband. HA!
As the disease progressed and our relationship openly deteriorated (I still have a hard time separating out the two - I blame the former and he the latter) he became less and less willing and present to do anything. One of his consistent arguments in our relationship ending is that we never had fun together, and that is why he didn't want to do anything.
Now that we are separated, the kids and I have seem to come to more of an acceptance of him not being included or around. Of course thye still ask, but it isn't expected anymore. By doing so, it has given us permission to be our own whole family. And honestly, I am way more content in that regard, because we really didn't enjoy the kids together. I was constantly trying to control thier behavior to keep him from getting agitated and mad at me. Completely removing the expectation and pressure of his presence took a huge weight off me. With that, though, I also have to disregard caring what other people think of our "family". That one is still difficult, but getting easier. I am realizing that every marriage/ family has thier issues, no one is perfect, and really, people probably don't think of me and judge me as much as I thought they did.
Now what I am struggling with a bit is that as I am realizing the more I go out and enjoy myself, that, well, maybe he was right!! There goes my denial. We have "couple" friends and they still include me in invites. I was a 7th wheel at dinner the other night and it was great; not uncomfortable at all. I've discoved that not having to worry about him getting home from work so we can be on time, has eliminated the anxiety of going someplace. To not even have to think about how much he is drinking and then him dominating conversation or falling asleep, well, that is a gift to me. Will his back be hurting so he'll be limping around and have a good store of pain meds in his system? Not my problem anymore. Going to functions, I no longer have to worry about where he disappeared to or be concerned why he is still in the bathroom...
I think it is terribly unfair that one spouse can have so much power to dictate what family life will be. However, my dear ddub, we can choose to just accept it for what it is and make it as enjoyable for ourselves and the kids as we can. It doesn't make it okay, just what it is.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Just for me I have learned how to accept "hitting close to the mark" rather than a "bullseye" every time. As long as there is someone else involved there are two choices and motivations and emotions and everything else. "Close to the mark" often is the consequence of collaberation. Acceptance is a personal characteristic when adopted by a willing member of this program. Until then it will be a conditional choice on how to participate with myself and others regardless of what is going on. I have learned to be consequence focused. My sponsor taught me to think of the consequence first and then do the action. One of the consequences I want in my life is peace of mind and serenity. For me this consequence comes from making acceptance a part of my character.
Some of the times my ENTIRE need won't be met...(close no bullseye) and sometimes it will (still close no bullseye because I accept that there is no perfection) sometimes none of my need will be met by others and it is all left up to me. (close no bullseye again because I am not perfect and need to accept myself as I am also.) I can only ask for help in my need and then move on with the outcome. That works for me and it is not perfect.
