The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I mentioned something about the karma bus running down my ex. Not waiting for it or anything but always on the lookout. And another member said that she doesn't wish her ex any ill will because he gave her 2 of the most awsome kids in the world. When she thinks of him, she wishes him well and all of the love and blessings that she would wish herself.
I have heard this for years in this program (especially at open AA meetings) Pray for the one you have a resentment against. I have done this but not very sucsessfully. Infact, I start out praying for whoever to get all blessings and love and good things and for them to step on a tack and go bankrupt and grow boils over their whole body and...... Yeah, I get off track!
I have understood why I should pray for those I have a resentment against. For me it makes sense in an energy way. This energy I am expending is within myself. It is between me and HP only so I should keep it positive, keep thinking good thoughts, sending good energy to HP and feeling it. If I think of it as doing something for someone I despise I get into this "I AM a saint!" mindset and that is NOT good for anyone! LOL!
I am not really there yet. I do think I will get there (haven't I been saying that for awhile now?) I am never ever going to get the apology I deserve from any of "them". I have taken all the steps I can to protect myself and my kids from "them" and I have not retailiated or taken revenge on "them". As nice as that sounds (taking revenge) it never worked out for me. So, I see that I have done some good regarding my resentments. Now, the praying good for "them" and forgiving and letting go. I don't know, my immature arrogence is standing in my way stamping her foot and pounding her fists "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!" saying "CONFRONT!!!MAKE THEM PAY!!!!!" Nothing worse than an arrogant child, cept for an arrogant child inside a grown up's body!
I don't think so, Debilyn. But watching my father die of cancer, I did have moments of total anger towards him. I believe it was natural, part of the process but it was hard to feel. But my dad, even in the depth of his pain, his grief never did what my ex did. My dad was no saint, but his disease did not lead him to hurt others. And others that I have known to suffer and die from other diseases (MS, diabetes, AIDS) never did what my ex and other A's I know have done. I think that is why it was hard for me to grasp that "it's a disease" thing. I do firmly and wholeheartedly believe that it is a disease but a disease like no other. It is not like a physical disease in the way that it effects ME. The other deadly physical diseases effect me profoundly but they do not manipulate and intentionally destroy. It is hard for me to base my change on the disease model. I need to find the change within myself seperate from what the disease has done to "them".
Serendipity - I can relate to your anger. I LIVED the anger for so long - and still have very real moments (okay...days) of it. Perhaps relating alcoholism to cancer is not the best analogy for you, but I think mental illness may be the better analogy. In my opinion, it is an illness of the mind (and spirit). I can better digest the bitter pill I was given when I realize that. I often think, too, that he treated me no worse than he treated himself. In fact, he treated himself FAR worse than he treated me. If it's not in them to love and respect themselves, then it's completely out of their grasp to do any better with anyone else. I'm understanding that at long last. My A had (has?) so much self-loathing that it would be impossible for me to imagine. I don't know why or where it came from, but it's very real. And he lives in his head almost full time. So for me to have these expectations of "normal" would be unrealisitic (at best).
I have prayed and continue to pray for my A daily. I do it now because I care about him, but that wasn't always the case. I had many months (years ago) that I couldn't bring myself to pray for him because of the damage he did to my life. But I heard about praying for those we resent, so I tried it. It changed my life. It softened my heart. It taught me so much. There's a lot of power in it. I would highly suggest it. Not because he deserves it, but because it will bring so much peace to your own life.
Good post, serendipity. Thank you - it helps me think with my own post about desiring forgiveness. I think desiring forgiveness and praying and sending love to those who've caused you the most pain go hand in hand. Thank you.
One way I have thought of it was to realise that no sane person does the things that an A does. If he was healthy he would not act like that. I also eventually learned to see how much he hurt himself, and I don't mean the money or even loosing the family. I mean how broken his spirit was. All the bravado and horribly abusive behavior is there for the disease to use to hide the agony they go through inside themselves. Think of what you just said in terms of karma and positive or negative energy, and apply it to how he would feel inside himself. When we can see that, I think, is when we really start to make big breakthroughs in our own program.
I wouldn't worry too much about the exercise of wishing well for someone you dispise. If you still dispise him, you probably aren't ready to wish him well yet anyway. I tried to work on my own feelings and wishing "them" well just came as a natural next step. Relax and EASY DOES IT.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
