The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know I've seen A's attend Al-anon meetings, so I know it's acceptable.
I wonder if A's are given the suggestion in their AA meetings at all to occasionally attend Al-anon meetings with their loved ones to see the other side of the coin, as we Al-anon members are encouraged to attend AA meetings to see what our loved ones are experiencing.
I think my AH has a distorted or unclear understanding of what Al-anon is all about. Every time I've talked with him and he's mentioned Al-anon meetings, he seems to have this impression that Al-anon is all about spouses/families learning how to "support" or "help" the alcoholics.
That couldn't be further from the truth, at least in MY understanding of Al-anon. Al-anon is all about working on ME, and if my A benefits in any way from my working on myself, it's just a nice side-effect of the program.
I wonder at what point, if any, would be a good time to suggest my AH attend an Al-anon meeting so he can see what it's all about. Not sure at this point if it would be any good to him or not. In any case, I kind of feel he needs to know Al-anon isn't about "supporting" alcoholic loved ones, though. And I think his attending a meeting would make it clearer to him than my trying to explain it to him.
If your A gets a REALLY good sponser, they will eventually suggest he try alanon. Until then, just keep doing what you are doing. Work YOUR program and let him concentrate on his. This program is based on attraction rather than promotion. So, if he sees you getting better, happier maybe he will be attracted. Maybe not. My ex went to alanon and ripped it apart. He was by NO means ready. He came with the idea that this program was all about him (being he is an A and the entire world revolved around him don't cha know) and that we all hated him for what he had done as an A. He said to me after a meeting "Detatchment is a really stupid idea. I mean, you all expect to detatch and we (the A's) are just supposed to accept that!? Ha! If you don't act like you want us we will just leave, there are tons of people who WILL take care of us. So, If you detatch you'd better not cry about me leaving! You'd have no right!" WOW! Talk about NOT ready for this program!! LOL! Which is what I did, I LOL at him and that didn't please him either!
Just keep comming back and learn for you, come for you and don't give a second thought to him "getting" what alanon is about anyway. Someday, maybe.....but only the wisest, healthiest A's make it to these rooms IMO!
Aloha, Your H has been a codependent longer than he's been an alcoholic. That is why the program teaches A's to go to Al-Anon as well. NOT to cause guilt and make them see what they've done to their family!!! The program is for each of us to work for ourselves.
I truly encourage YOU to get your OWN copy of the Big Book and try to gain an understanding of alcoholism. That is what Al-Anon teaches us to do. Remember that our own changed attitudes can aid recovery...when one member of the family is thinking sanely, the whole family situation can improve.
Trust the program, Aloha. My experience is, you will see miracles happening when you do. Make the choice to work the steps yourself.
With love in recovery, gladlee
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Goodaye Aloha! Good topic I reckon. My I add this about an adult child who spent years in Alanon in denial of alcoholism. After 8 years that person started to go to AA meetings and got sober. She said that if she had have gone straight into aa with her painful past, she would have just topped herself. I would love my Ah to go to alanon not so he could get one big "back at ya" but to hopefully identify with his horrific childhood with an insanely alcoholic father and codependant mother. He is the classic adult child who became an alcoholic to blot out the pain. But yeah, they gotta be ready aye?SB
You've probably got alanon literature around the house - if he really wanted to know what it truly was about, he'd pick it up. He knows where and when the meetings are, he can always go. He knows how to work a computer, he could come here.
I usually found it was not all that helpful for us to discuss our programs in detail, especially in the beginning, when we were both just starting to get it. One thing that WAS helpful, however, and if it happens to come up you might want to try, was going to program functions together. Around here we call them 'roundups' though I don't hear that name used too much on this board. There are usually a couple of AA speakers and at least one alanon speaker. There are open meetings, where people from both programs speak. Nice non confrontational, non personal way for both of you to get a look at the other program.
You don't need to prove anything to him - it doesn't really matter if he ever understands alanon or not. You are the one who has to get it.
"...The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend." Lots of alcoholics fit within this requirement. I'd ask what the intention is and can the alcoholic drop their affiliation with AA at the door to the Al-Anon meeting. I've been to many meetings where the Alcoholic "would" not do that, being proud of their AA membership in spite of not being at an AA meeting. Then to there are now a lot of "double winners" in our area who will drop their affiliation at the door respecting Al-Anon's tradition and protocol. If it is an open meeting...it is open to everyone with a desire or need to be there and listen and learn. If it is a closed meeting the situation may come out differently.
In the Al-Anon welcome we speak of being supportive of the alcoholic...so he has gotten only part of our program. There is much more that is self directed. I tell them it is the same steps and traditions with a very different focus. I share my Al-Anon recovery with the Alcoholic men I sponsor and never invite them to a meeting unless they are have relationship problems within the disease. I also invite their spouses and significant others. That keeps the whole thing honest!!
As an member I have learned that if you have a spouse at a meeting and you do not want them to listen to your share...Ask them to leave the room!
Lot of alcoholics marry alcoholics (as in my case) and don't have a clue as to how to live with one. My primary program is Al-Anon. This is where I arrived first and continued for 9 years without a drink until I took a late assessment on my drinking history. From that assessment I started in AA and none of them felt shakey about me being there though most everyone of them had met me thru Al-Anon. (The assessment revealed that if I were to drink again it would be fatal. I still attend AA; work that program also and do service to the suffering alcoholic that want to get and stay sober. I do the same in Al-Anon without conflict.)
I think we so much want the A to understand us we muddle all the boundaries. No I do not think it is a good idea for an A to attend a spouse's recovery program. There are many reasons. If they wanted to understand there is tons and tons and tons of places they can go to learn. We try to push them into recovery and they dont' want it then it backfires. I craved for the A to understand me the bottom line was he didn't want to.
A's only belong at Al-Anon meetings if they meet the criteria - that they have a loved one who is affected by alcoholism, etc.... They don't go there to "learn what we are going through".... Like many things with us, it really depends on their reasons for going.....
As a (very) general rule of thumb, most A's, even if they "qualify", aren't ready to get much out of Al-Anon until well into their sobriety (i.e. 3-5 years). I believe, from your earlier posts, that your A is currently 30 days sober?? In my opinion, that is WAY too early for him to consider Al-Anon.
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
WOW! Talk about NOT ready for this program!! LOL! Which is what I did, I LOL at him and that didn't please him either!
