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Well, as most of you know my A is in jail. I did go ahead and set up an account so that he could call me. Not making any excuse for opening up that door again- I know I did. I just find it difficult to listen to him talk about getting out in a couple of weeks without wanting to tell him that if he doesn't change he will soon die. I know he must know this. I also find it difficult to bring up. I'm not sure what I am afraid of him- that is why I am afraid of bringing it up. Maybe I want us to be able to pretend things are going to be okay- ie participate in his delusion. I don't know. I just find it so hard to sleep realizing that I cannot save him and knowing that his demise will devastate me and what future effect it will have on my son. How do you find serenity and peace when watching someone like this? I feel like distancing would help me when he does die, but having done this with my mother I am also afraid I would then feel guilt after. I don't know if I should just be close to him while I can or run now to protect myself from future loss. Any words of wisdom I would appreciate. :)
Those are tough questions, for certain.... but if we believe the Three C's, and we REALLY accept Step One..... we realize that we truly ARE powerless over them..... I used to use the weather analogy.... do you try to force/control/change the weather from happening?? Of course you don't, and our reality is that we have about the same amount of influence over our A's as we do over the weather.... What we CAN do, is wear a coat, or dress warmly, or whatever, in order to best cope with the weather as it happens....
Sorry there is no magic formula, but he really IS in control of his sobriety, or lack thereof.....
He will either drink, or he won't... what are YOU gonna do?
Take care of you and your son, in the best way you know how....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I have been there. Last time my A took his new "buddy" for a ride in a stolen car, totalled it and almost killed himself and his new friend before he ended up in the jail hospital. Honestly, the only thing that worked for me was to take the opportunity while he was in jail to stop all communication with him. Not reply to letters, not answer calls, etc. After months of that it got easier when he was out. The most important thing for me was to ACCEPT the fact that it's his choice to live or die and who am I to say what is right or wrong for him? Sure it's not logical to choose death but invariably that is what he is doing. I can't say that's wrong or right, I can say I prefer he not die but then I can't control that can I? If I could I sure wouldn't be here right? So in the end it came down to me detaching as far as I possibly can, restraining order detcahment, not answering calls from strange numbers when I know he's free detachment, telling him not to call if he does somehow get me detachment. Trust me it was HARD in the beginning but it gets easier. I think it's possible to pity somone for the wreck of a man that they have become but still give them the dignity to make that choice on their own. By trying to save him or allowing him to continue using me as his crutch by accepting his bs excuses and behaviors I am only giving a wink and a nod to the continued behavior. Plus...what does it say about me that I tolerate myself being treated that way? Says I don't think much about myself or value myself much... I take NO crap now! I expect nothing and I give nothing unless I want to and will have no regrets in doing it.
Another important thing I learned is that I can love him, show love for him without giving him anything or supporting the disease. I love you but I'm not letting you stay the night, use my shower, borrow my..., have money, or any other thing that my kids deserve way more than you do or that could possibly put me out in some way. I don't have to lose myself to care about someone else. You can love him but not tolerate crappy behavior and not be afraid to walk away. People expect us to behave as we always have, to react as we always have and when we do the opposite it throws them. It's not what they were expecting, doesn't mean it's wrong! Just means it's not the same ol same ol.
My way of dealing with death is in my acceptance of the mortality that we all have. This means that you will be coping with this in the same way as anyone copes with watching a loved one die. However, it is the nature of the disease, it being a self inflicted CHOICE made by the A's own FREE WILL that makes it hard to accept.
He has FREE WILL TO CHOSE, just as you do. He has a CHOICE to make how he WILLS his life, just as you do. And he knows, just as you and I do that the drink will take his life if he does not give it up. HIS CHOICE as simple as that.
As Tom says, it is a matter of WHAT are YOU going to do?
You CAN OBTAIN PEACE BY LEANING ON your HP and ACCEPTING that your A's CHOICE is NOT YOUR CHOICE. You will hurt, you will ache, you will grieve for what could have been, might have been, whatever; however if you can ACCEPT what is, the PEACE WILL COME with the ACCEPTANCE that you cannot stop this from happening to him just as you cannot stop it happening to you when your time comes.
The peace is in ASKING, and BELIEVING THAT YOU WILL RECEIVE what YOU ASK FOR when you say this prayer:
GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. AMEN
HeartB
-- Edited by Heartbroken at 17:18, 2008-02-18
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Ya know what Co, there is NO shame in loving an alcoholic. There really isn't. I know I used to have the idea that I made my bed by marring an A and so now I had to lie in it. Stick with him no matter what and I felt shame that I had choosen so poorly. Then I had the thought that what he had done to me went too far and staying with him was completly insane on my part and I felt shame for staying with someone who had done the things he had done, and still loving him too. But I came here and these people understood! They said it was OK to love this sick, addicted man. They totally got it! Why I stayed, why I wanted to run, they just got it! What a blessing! They told me I had choices, I could stay and be happy I could leave and be happy but I didn't HAVE to DO anything.
Co, if you are unsure about what to do, then just wait, the answer will become clear and you will feel peace surrounding it. I know I stayed with my AH towards the end, knowing it was all comming to an end, and I appreciated everyday I had with him. I appreciated our little family more than I ever did before because I knew it wouldn't last forever, nothing does. My AH didn't die, but our family came to an end. But I have all those lovely memories stored for when I am ready to remember. And my kids have some great memories also.
So, I stopped living in denile. I opened my eyes and made a choice to stay and enjoy what ever time we had left. And when I knew it was my choice, something I decided daily, the shame left me and I was really ok with my decision to stay.
I choose to enjoy each day. We have no idea what the hp has planned. As far as your son, all you can do is talk of his father in a kind way. He is very ill.It is his fathers responsibility to make the relationship whatever it is.
Believe me, my son is 31 now, he has always wanted me to stay out if it. If your son asks a question, answer it the best you know how.
He will respect you more if you don't put his father down or be resentful. NOT saying you are. I have seen the damage that can cause.
He still is his father, drunk, junkie or whatever. My son does not care about any of that. He just wants his father to call him to see him.
We cannot control any of it. C. guy is so right. All we can do is be healthy ourselves.
My daughters father died in an accident and he was drunk. She was only five.
It has been horribly difficult for her. She says she does not know if it is better to have your father alive like my sons father or have your father dead.
A lot in my experience, is my spiritual part of my heart. Knowing what I do, gives me serenity.
But dear, I still grieve both my husbands so badly I have to sit down. I mean there are days I call Edaches. He has been gone twenty six years.
Enjoy the time you have if you can, if you choose. I am so grateful for alanon so I could be around my AH as long as I could.
I do know what makes you ask, I live it honey. Sometimes the horriblness of it just blows my mind. It is what makes things very hard for me most the time.
But......it is my life so I keep doing my best to look at the good stuff.
Glad you are here. Hope your A does better. love,debilyn
I am so happy that you posted this, Co... it is the same thing that I was thinking about this past week... about watching the "A's" die.
My choice is to not watch, because I cannot bear it.
Thanks to those who responded to this post... I needed to read your words, too. It reinforced that I have my own choices to make; that I have the freedom to make the choices that are best for me... and that I don't have to feel guilty for them!
Actually I found a lot of peace and serenity in it. What the A has done for years wouild kill anyone. He is on borrowed time, his life is in God's hands not mine. I let go and let God. I stopped trying to change him.
I think that this information helps me not to waste MY valuable time trying to change someone, trying to fix someone, trying to control people places and things. J.
I know this is hard and I'm really sorry that you have to go through it.
One thing that the program teaches is DON'T PROJECT. This was a hard one for me. My AH lost over a quarter of his body wieght from not eating. I was scared for him, but he got through it and will have 6 months sober at the end of the month, HP willing.
Your A is not dead yet. You do not know what HP has planned for you or your A. Projecting disaster is not productive use of your days. If something bad comes to pass, then you will need the strength you will gain from this respite. If it doesn't then you have squandered your hours in needless worry and fear. There is no way we can know what will happen tommorrow. We can only live this one day at a time.
I know how hard it is to stay in this moment. I am having some trouble myself right now with the changing season and the stress I know it will bring, but projecting disaster will only help bring the negative to fruition.
I am trying to stay positive with no expectations. That helps me. No false hope and no negativity.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
The hardest thing in the world is to watch the person you love slip away. I know that I couldn't live with an active alcoholic anymore. Yes, hubby is a chronic relapser. But his relapses get shorter. I am hoping he will finally "get it". I know that when I asked him to leave 2 years ago, I had no idea if he was going to live. I had to turn him over to his HP. I prayed for his sobriety every night. It didn't mean that I stopped loving him. It was the hardest thing in the world to ask him to leave. But at the place and time I needed to do what was best for me. Do what is best for you. No one will judge you. We're here for you. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
HeartB
I could leave and be happy