The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Five years ago, I discovered that my husband of 18 years had cheated on me. This began some serious issues between us, which resulted in some major changes in his life.
His father was an alcoholic, and I knew he drank too much, but I never really considered him a full-blown alcoholic until he declared himself one at the time of our separation. He hasn't had anything to drink since then - and that's been five years. He goes to AA meetings several times a week.
There are many parts to my "new husband" that I like. He comes home every day at the same time. He doesn't lose his temper like he used to. He is a much better father. But our social life has ground to a halt. He doesn't like to go out or go dancing any more. He goes to bed much earlier than he used to. He never wants to accept dinner invitations that we always used to enjoy. We used to have a huge Christmas party each year; not any more.
He doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I'm only 46 years old. I don't think I can stand this the rest of my life!
I don't think he's cheating on me any more, but I'm not sure he's doing much of anything. He's BOOOORRRIING. To his credit, he provides for us very well financially. He is a good father and spends a lot of time with our kids. He just doesn't really want to do anything any more.
Will he ever get over this? Is this about not drinking? Or is it possible that he just doesn't like being around me? I'm at a loss. There are times I liked him better before he quit drinking.
I hear you. From my experience, strength, and hope is that with my AHsober there is the dry drunk syndrome. Nothing I went thru with my husband drinking compares with what I am going through now with a twenty year sober H. With your AHsober it almost sounds like depression or something else. My AHsober eventually left and said he didn't like me. He is a good father, good provider but picked up other addictions/compulsions/habits after he sobered up. Every party, social event, trip with the kids was like pulling teeth. Just what I went through maybe it applies or doesn't. Hang in there. Do fun things with the kids and your friends.
Wow! that got a negative reaction from me. Didn't know I was so easy. Welcome to the board and come spend some time with us. You can scroll back and read a gazillion post and replies from the past and then you can add your own to it. Take into consideration that there are face to face meetings probably in your own neighborhood and it is a major suggestion to get to these and listen, learn and practice what you learn.
Our peace of mind and serenity is not about the alcoholic. It never was. There was a time I didn't believe that and today I know that it's true. The condition of my life, my peace of mind and serenity is about me only; my connection to my Higher Power, this program and how I work it. If I work it to the best of my ability I am at peace and fulfilled. If I don't...there is absolutely no one out there perfect enough for me because I have become dependent upon another person for my happiness or sadness. I don't believe anyone today that wants that job cause I'm not a good person to live with when I am not being satisfied.
Consider the alternative. Consider also what you can do for you and keep coming back to read and learn. There is more ESH coming up behind this one.
Welcome to the MIP family. Congratulations on your husband's sobriety. My AH is a chronic relapser, so I welcome with open arms the sober times we have. Hopefully in the five years since he got sober you have been able to get to some Alanon meetings. The dynamics of a sober relationship vs. an active relationship are very different. I find I need my program more than ever when he's sober.
Things do change when the A gets sober. Perhaps the reason he does not want to go dancing or attend those parties are because that's one of the triggers for him. Yes, he is responsible for how he reacts to them, but I have known people who are 20 years sober and will not go near the places they use to drink. They don't want to take that chance. Have you asked him why he does not want to go out? I know for mine, he will stay at home if he feels like he's in danger of picking up a bottle. I think I would rather have a homebody, than somebody who continually relapses. Please go back and reread old posts. There are plenty of people here who have As with long term sobriety. If you haven't attend Alanon meetings, I strongly urge you to do so. Just because he has stopped drinking, doesn't mean that his disease hasn't left him. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- the cat
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Correction, sort of. It's not that he doesn't do ANYTHING. It's just that he doesn't seem to want to do anything that I want to do. We went to Disneyworld, but only because he finally gave in. He is taking each of our kids on a seperate vacation this year. He and I usually go somewhere for a one or two night trip each year. But I'm talking about every day living stuff. What we do on weekends and when we have a babysitter. His idea of a social life is just so different now.
Sounds like some communication and compromise is needed. He is a different person now and needs different things. Maybe you could come up with some new things for you both to try together. You could try camping, fishing, hiking, scenic driving, museums, art shows, going out to coffee regularly, breakfast out on the porch, invite program friends for a BBQ, and a hundred million or so other things I haven't thought of.
Also remember that he only knew you when he was drinking and may not be comfortable with you sober. He has a lot of baggage and may not feel safe sharing his feelings with you(or anyone else for that matter). Everyone in the family has to recover and that means you too. It is hard for a sober A to come home to the same person you were. It took a lot of recovery on my part before my husband finally started trusting me enough to share life from his point of view.
One thing to remember is that some A's really hold on to sobriety with fear. He never knows when he goes somewhere if a trigger will pop up somewhere. He has to learn how to deal with them, but many A's also have terribly low self-esteem and self-confidence. He could just be scared out of his mind to have to face a triggering situation. Home is a safe haven. The rest of the world may look like a raging tornado of triggers to him.
Anyway there are my thoughts. Don't know if they will apply to your situation or not.
Keep coming back and find a f2f if you can. It really does help.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
...HE is the alcoholic; not me. I didn't do anything to deserve this, yet everyone keeps asking me to change the things that I do. I didn't cause these problems. I liked the things I did before. If I wanted to go camping, fishing or hiking, we would have been doing that five or ten years ago.
I really don't want to souond caustic, but when he was drinking, everything was about HIM. Now that he isn't drinking, it seems that it is still all about him. In fact, he does want to camp and fish. His idea of a date is to go to a gym or build a bonfire in our yard. That may sound fun or idyllic to some people, but it's not what I signed up for. It's not WHO I signed up for. Can the fun guy come back without the bad stuff?
I was looking (again) at a fourth step guide I have recently..and this particular question really seemed extremely significant to me.
It seems to apply here too, so here it is!
"If I am unable to change the present state of affairs, am I willing to take the measures necessary to shape my life to conditions as they are?"
Like others have responded, when someone enters into a program of recovery, and this applies to alcoholics as well as those of us who choose al-anon, things begin to change. We begin to change. The more we work these programs the more we grow, the more we become a new person.
In my life, my ex wife got into AA, I joined Al-anon. Neither of us are the same people we were prior to programs.
In our case my wife realized that she was "unable to change the present state of affairs" that being who I was and who she was, and she was unwilling "to take the measures necessary to shape (her) life to conditions are they (were)". So she chose to end the marriage.
Then it was my turn, I couldn't change the state of affairs as she wanted them, I didn't want to divorce, so I had to change my life to the conditions as they are. I had to accept things as they are and learn to live my life not depending on someone else for my happiness.
Together or apart, when I start relying on myself and no one else, I can make each day I choose to, something enjoyable.
Hey Q, my ESH is that for me, boredom is an attitude I can change. Boredom is a state of mind inside of me. Its not about what is or is not going on outside of me. Its an attitude of "entertain me" which is something that I work to eliminate in my life. I can very very easily dump boredom now but when I find myself saying "I am bored" I need to look at myself, not anything outside of me- just like when a teenager says that. Boredom is one of the few things I actually do have any control over!! I can head to the library and look for a book, I can sign up for a class and learn something cool. I can head to the Y. I can go to the movies or go have fun with some girlfriends. Gee, there are so many things I want to do/learn before I die, I hope I have enough time to get 'em all done!
Its not about him, its about me. I make it about me by changing my attitude and going out and getting "un-bored". Hugs, J.
I'm EXPECTING that my AH isn't going to quite be the same man I knew once upon a time ago as he slowly works in his sobriety. I'm ACCEPTING that going out to Las Vegas and partying at night clubs with him might not ever occur for me again for the sake of his sobriety - this isn't a huge sacrifice to me, though, as I can do without drinking. It's not a big deal to me if I don't drink.
So what do I do when my AH and I don't see eye-to-eye on what's fun anymore? Well, I can always find other things that I personally enjoy, and if my AH wants to join in, that's great. If he doesn't... well, that's okay, too, because it's his choice. Also, I'm working to hold to the fun sober things my AH and I enjoyed doing together... scuba diving, hiking, camping... we still have those... and who knows what other enjoyable things we might discover we have fun doing now that he's sober?
For me, I think one of my biggest fears I have to get past is wondering if my husband is going to decide that I'M the boring one to be around now that he's sober. Who knows? Hope not, but, well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, I guess.
I've heard this saying before:
"Bored people are boring."
So if you're bored, it's time that you start finding things to do that don't keep you in that state of mind. Don't worry whether your AH joins you or not - take care of you.
When my AH got sober the first time I remember how boring he became. I was young and I sure as hell didn't want to hang out with 50-something AA people. I didn't want to hang out with 20-something drunks either. AAGGHHH! I didn't know what I wanted. I missed the drama the AH had created. I didn't know how to relate to him minus the drama. Life changed dramatically and I wasn't sure I liked it. Then again, I KNEW I didn't like the lack of money, lies, affairs and uncertainty of my life before. I wanted things the way I wanted them and I didn't know how to accept and be content. I came to alanon but didn't like it because I kept hearing that it was a program for me and I had choices and I could live MY life no matter what. I wanted to live a life with AH. I wanted what I wanted. I left this program. I didn't have a problem, I didn't want to change anything about me, I was almost a saint after what I had put up with from AH. When he relapsed I hit my bottom and that's when this program started to make sense.
There are open AA meetings you two can attend together. You can throw Christmas parties and invite only people from the program (this is what I do, but that's because I really only like program people now!) There are all sorts of AA/alanon conventions and roundups, dances and picnics. Becomming involved in this program is an awsome way to have a sober social life. Even connecting with one other sober couple and doing dinner and a movie is fun. My AH and I did all these things. Made us both less boring.
When an A is using, their life is so hard to face. they have the guilt, the drama, and more. their road is never straight and easy.
They get sober, things calm down, they see how smooth things can be, they learn tolerance and patience.
they have to go thru all the losses, pain, trouble and more when they become sober on program.
Add going out, talking to people, and on and on,they cannot handle it. MOST cannot.
We have to realize they are like a new born baby. they need routine, they thrive on it.
You know how you have a routine with your baby, then you go somewhere and they get cranky? they need the security of a routine.
My husband was a very very good guitar player. His work and his friend together were phenominal and about to hit it big.
His partner did H and drank and died. My A fell apart. When he got sober on program, he barely even played anymore. It just could not be part of his life anymore.
I hope I am making sense. I was just like you. I decided after I learned he was very sick that I wanted to just be with him. We held hands watching movies, I hadhim read to me just to hear his voice. I realized when he said I don't know to so many things i asked, that he really did not know.
He did not go anywhere becuz he had nothing to say.
I don't know if this will help you. It took me awhile to really be ok.
when he relapsed I would have given anything to have my boring but stable,relaxed, sweet man back again.
<<I have never ben bored while working the program..>>
Well, I was never bored before he quit drinking. And it's HIS program. He's the one took something away from me I can't ever get back. He's the one who says he has to go to meetings all the time, even if he says he doesn't have the time or energy to go out and do something with me.
I have to admit; I've never been to an Al-Anon meeting. A friend sent me the link to this site. I resent someone telling me I have to (or need to or ought to) join a group because he is an AA. I don't get it. You may kick me out because of this, but I just want to know if there is any hope?
If I'm ever going to be happy again, is it likely that I need to leave him and start over?
LOL gwerty! You will never get "kicked out" of this program!! I know, I have tried! I have said (and done) some outragous things and these people and this program have continued to be here for me. We are here for you when you are ready. It is hard figuring this stuff out. I don't know if you should stay or go, that is something only you can decide. What are your prorities? Are there others who woud be effected? Will you really be happier, saner and more serene without him in your life? What exactly is important to you now, 5 years from now, 10 years from now. Bored is a state of mind and it usualy passes. And what you can be left with is love, commitment, respect. Someone to hold your hand in the good times and the bad. Like I said, when I was younger, I had different priorities. Is it really that you are "bored"? Or are you angry?
Appreciate your honesty qwerty. They may yet kick me off this board for smiling but they can't kick me out of Alanon and they can't kick you out for being bored.
Your husband is trying to do what He feels God would have him do. Perhaps you can find time to spend with him with the kids. They are a lot of fun and only grow up once. Each moment is precous. WHats in the bars anyhow? The DUI laws are so tough you can't drinkm the revenue is down so far they can't afford good bands and all the people are plastic.
Sitting around the fire sounds cool to me, I can't even keep up jogging around Walmart let alone on the dance floor. But perhaps....
I had a friend, her husband was a real lulu of a drunk and she just couldn't stand the idea of not partying anymore. She drank a bit of wine and was hard pressed to give it up though it made her husband uncomfortable. I mentioned she might like to party with us. We do it without booze but we have many activities. Dancing, parties, amusement parks, golf outings to name a few. She Beamed and asked if she could come to and of course the answer was yes. She was a better entertainer than most of us in fact. She always dressed to the nines. did the house up great and lots of food. We'd do a few parties a year at her house and it always was such a privelage. Some of the happiest couples do a bit of entertaining after the meetings. Just coffee and such, conversation and laughs. I've even seen a few dancing on the porch. :)
Give it a whirl, find a aa meeting with an alanon meeting in the same building. make new friends, Have some over or go over to their place or a restaurant after the meetings. Find some other newcomers, making someone that feels all alone feel welcomed feels really good and it won't threaten the old codgers sobriety either.
