The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This past week I have been sleeping so much. At first I was concerned that I was giving up, but in the end, I think that I was giving myself some overdue TLC which feels a bit uncomfortable but yet sort of nice. AH was away so I could let my guard down, relax easier and sleep sound and long. Again at first, more daytime sleep than night time sleep, but by the end of the week I was asleep earlier and awake more daytime. Had so much more energy Sat and things look lots brighter without sleep deprivation. (I didn't move the furniture around but over (: so I could clean carpets in two rooms while my two kids were away camping overnight with boyscouts in a cave - I have lots of muddy laundry to do now from their fun adventure which is ok & makes me smile)
Then AH returned and things were ok. I am so numb that it is easy to detach but I am not sure I am detaching with love right now. I have turned that over to hp and just moving on with what it is for each day. Today I was invited to join my out of town son & gf for church & lunch. I am staying out of the AH & son relationship even though it just feels not right from my perspective. AH wasn't invited or mentioned and AH didn't ask about going or care if I went. So I went, had a wonderful time and feel so good about the visit.
On the drive home, I missed having someone to talk to about the visit and had to fight with my mind to stay on the positives about things with AH. Just accepting the numb feelings as feel like something is working itself out, when I can stay in one day at a time thinking. Looking to the future is bleak but I keep reminding myself that I am changing every day in this program so I don't have enough information yet to even guess how I'll feel in any type of future I might be expecting or even what the future will really be until I get there. My head hurts from working at this ODAT!
There was one blip this evening with AH when I double checked that he was ok about me going to visit our kids without him - dum, dum, dum. I realised too late that I was creating drama but felt lonely when he didn't want any info about my visit. I had shared a couple things earlier, no response. This was 3 separate exchanges over a few hours. Ah started in about doing things in degrees, not black or white and I could do what ever I wanted to do except choose what he would do. So I need to find someone to go with me to share things if I want companionship. This seems so bizarre to me but realize it is just more of the same, I guess from the past to now and why the future seems bleak but again ODAT!
At this point my brain started spinning about all the folks who never want to be with me - great start to a pity party so I got up, left for an errand, drove to a parking lot, cried then went numb again and forced myself to count some folks who do like to be with me. What is wierd is that AH didn't seem like he was drinking (how would I know?) but by the end tonight, he definately is now. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate arrogance - detach, detach. So back to I didn't cause it, control it, cure it. Not sure about how all this works except if I don't talk, he doesn't drink as much but I know that isn't a good way to think. I can see things are working a bit here and there minus the blip of my starting some drama.
So I keep trying and guess I just need some feedback - I feel like I am wandering in a fog most of the time even if I am energized from catching up on all that sleep this week. I would feel so crazy if I left all this in my head and send so much thanks for having folks to listen and respond to me. Big hugs to this MIP family!!! ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
You so inspire me with the way you work things out.
I do know that feeling of sleeping around the clock, or around the day and getting one's body clock out of sync. It is so good when one gets it back. As for the blips and finding oneself going backwards and forwards with the cry one minute, pity party the next, get up and do something to distract from that and try all the time to detach, well that is all about winding down - a bit like bish bash bosh ooops, spin swirl stooooooop with bits flying out. If you get my drift.
And when one is so busy looking after children then finds oneself at a loose end when they are not there the space can sometimes be a bit overwhelming. It is then that one stops and finds one is exhausted and feels exhausted more so because one has at last stopped. It is good to hear that you did rest. Lack of sleep is so draining and makes me feel like I am in a fog when I first do start to get some quality sleep.
Keep going, you WILL feel better and the fog will clear. Pamper yourself and know that you are loved here in this family...and if I were nearer I would love to meet up for coffee and a buttery shortbread biscuit or too. Infact, why don't you go and do that now and visualise me sitting there with you, sharing in the quite and the companionship of sisters in recovery?
Leave the dramas out of it...it is time for a bit of serenity and beauty and peace and nature, the sun, the buds beginning to form - anything but drama.
Love coming your way with a HUGE HUG. HeartB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
One of my favorite dailey meditation books is: More on the Language of Letting Goby Melodie Beattie. It's worth finding. So is her first one: The Language of Letting Go. I tend to read things backwards. You did just fine. I am glad you were able to get some rest. Love and blesings to yo and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
