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In my meeting today we had a topic of rage. My rage is from my pain mostly. I suppose there is fear in there also but the one that is most clear is pain. My rage has lead me to do things I am not proud of. It has felt like it is beyond my control at times.
Someone said anger and rage are different. That anger can be used to motivate ourselves to take action or change. Rage is when anger has been supressed for so long that it just comes out with no redeeming qualities. Anger can be talked about, looked at and communicated. Rage cannot be and is nothing but harmful to those who feel it and even to those around those who feel it.
We had some good ideas about what to do with the rage (beat pillows, scream, do something physical like clean or excercise) but these things have not necessairly worked for me. It's soooo in my head. Even the rage I want to think thru but because it's rage I can't. All of my skills and tools fly out the window. I can't be rational when I feel the rage. I have excercised and cleaned, I painted my bathroom this summer when I was in a pretty bad spot. That was a bad idea because everytime I walk in there I see what a lousey job I did and I know it was because I was so mad I couldn't see straight much less paint straight. But still I am scared of my rage. When it comes to this I do not trust myself.
I am wondering if anyone has any other ideas about how to disolve this rage? Maybe make it into anger? Does anyone even agree with this idea? It was the first time I remember hearing that there was a difference between the two. I wonder what that says that I thought anger and rage were interchangeable.....
Serendipity, Here is my understanding of the two words from a linguistics viewpoint:
ANGER - a feeling of great annoyance or antagonism as the result of some real or supposed grievance. From the old Norse word - angr meaning as in grief.
RAGE - wrath - to make angry - enrage. From old High German - engi or Latin - angere meaning as in to strangle.
One is a feeling as a result of feeling unfairly treated maybe, whereas the other is an action promoted by the feeling of being unjustly treated, - to rage therefore is proactive. Anger is as a result therefore of something being done to one and is internalised, whereas Rage is externalised as an action that is promoted from within oneself and projected outwards toward another.
Just my . Open to other suggestions. HeartB
-- Edited by Heartbroken at 17:34, 2008-02-17
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I used to be a rager. I think I got into rages when I felt that I couldn't control things. And I was absolutely correct. I couldn't control others. Heck, it was hard to control my own actions at times and still is. It is hard to accept that you can't control people are events, only yourself.
How I got myself out of the rage mode was through reading books that discuss the ego. It took years to do so. I don't feel rage any longer, but I do get angry. How I handle anger is to look inward and not blame others for how I feel. You know, that I'm responsible for my feelings trusim. Sometimes, that truth used to piss me off even more. But I 'get it' now (usually). I'd mention a few authors that I study, but I don't think we are suppose to promote books that are not al-anon approved.
I study certain books like some people study the Bible, I guess. Most of the time, it takes a while for the books' messages to get through my thick skull. But I'm persistent.
I have a lot of German blood in me from my father's side. Funny, he is a really easy-going guy. I never have seen him come close to rage. My mother - oh gosh - now she is another story. I witnessed her rage throughout childhood, ripping phones off the walls, tipping over furniture, taking a knife to my step-father's portrait. Now that is rage. She has calmed down considerable these days. But she still doesn't have her head on straight, unfortunately.
Keep seeking ways to turn your rage into anger. You'll find a way. I think we all have our own path of learning. Your desire to change will help you find a way. I think desire is the first step.
When I am talking about high German I am talking about the linguistics [roots of the words] NOT necessarily the race! So you don't have to be German to have rage you daft lot!
Anger is more internalized and can be controlled, whereas Rage is explosive and has to be let out, like the steam in a boiling kettle.
LOL LOL LOL!
No offense meant you just made me laugh, as though your german inheritance or blood is responsible for the rage.
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
That's what I get for not fully reading a post - just skimming it. I focused too much on my understanding of anger and rage and not what you were pointing out. I'm sorry. But I did make you laugh. Does that count?
I do think that if one builds up enough anger, it can turn into rage. But I think it has a lot to do with a person's temperment, which is to some degree is governed by genetics, as well as cultural and environmental factors.
I was a rager, too. I had no idea why I was always so angry. My rage really scared me, especially when I got pregnant with my first child. A counselor told me I was depressed and wanted to medicate, but I refused because of the pregnancy. I did not trust someone who had only seen me once and wanted to give me drugs. Now I know my own intuition was right.
As I got into my recovery program the thing that seemed to work for me was journaling it. I would write and write about the things that angered me, until I finally could see through to the underlying fears that were the cause of my hurt and masked by my anger. We are in charge of our feelings, no matter what someone has done to us. We still have a choice to be hurt and, for me, anger masks the pain. When I could write it out, I could often change the way I saw it, though sometimes it took several times writing about the same subject.
The other thing that helped was of course to talk about it and learn how to express any new angers in the moment, appropriately, as a statement of fact, not an accusation. On this I started with little normal daily stuff that annoyed me and learned from there.
The point is just what you said, to get it to change back to anger so I can deal with it. Anger is just an emotion and can be let go of when talked about as a fact of how I feel. I still have little bouts with it but they are few and far between and easily diffused. I know when I feel it coming on that I need to be extra careful to take care of me.
And I think Stormie is right that wanting to is the first step. And reading about codependent parenting helped me too.
Anyway, keep plugging away at it. The answer will come to you. I was actually surprised when I realized not too long ago, after a small incident, that I couldn't remember the last time I had felt rage. It used to be such an integral part of my life.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I used to stuff all of my anger and than rage as a result of the buildup. The rage did not contain any logic, I just spewed things like a volcano. Nothing was resolved from my rage which makes me think today, that even if I do express anger by journal or talking to my sponcer as I go along, it's ok nothing gets resolved because at least I've gotten it out and it's not building up for future rage.
I was confused not too long ago about getting the anger out because I knew I shouldn't stuff it any longer and with detachment, I didn't want to bring all of it or any of it to my AH. This MIP board helped me to under stand I needed to stop reacting and deal with each bit of anger that came along by journal or talking to someone. I shortened what I learned from the responses to these steps so I could remember it all easier:
Stop reacting and less anger will build up deal with the messy build up of old anger reduce residual anger with physical activity
This is helping me to understand it all better and work through both new and old anger a bit better. The progress is slow but makes a big difference when I stop and "Think" before I react. Those little things called straws that break the camel's back can get me started easily on negative built up of self talk and it will all come unglued for me so this really has been helpful for me to understand how it all fits together.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Great post and great feedback. I can use this stuff. Got some idle journal books even and I do like to read on the subject. It is important enough that someone started a 12 step program for ragers....of course it's call rageaholics.
For me I have noticed that when I give into the impulse and it is an impulse with me that comes very quickly before I can find the 3seconds of time to think before acting, I loose my spirit my soul I am completely animal in my reactions, trapped by something I don't want with no control over what is happening. I have raged most of my life and it was one of the things I found on my 4th step. I have made apologies for what I have done while under rage and the amends is slow in coming but coming. HP to the rescue!!
Another thought that I had when I reread the posts was that I found that most of my anger is based in some other emotion. When I can acknowledge even very small things that cause a reaction of fear or minor irritations, especially out loud, then the anger doesn't come. When I do get angry I can often work backwards to figure out what the real problem is. I am just a lot less angry than I was 2 years ago. Thank HP and this program.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I learned to use the competitive side of my personality to help with this one.... Every wise counselor, (or sponsor, Al-Anon member, etc), would explain to me that when I rage at my A, I was playing into her hand, and that is exactly what she and her disease wanted, as it helps keep me "stuck"....
After awhile, I learned to fully agree with this, so I wasn't willing to lose in that way.... I tried such things as turning it over to my HP by creating a "God Box", and writing out things/thoughts/behaviors that I wanted to stop having - writing them down on a slip of paper, and then putting them away for my HP to take care of....
Whatever works!
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
If there is a dissolver of Rage, I would guess that it is the Fifth step. A combination of courage, honesty and humility are all balled up in the outward expression of shame that to other people looks like rage. Only a Fifth step has a chance of putting the elements conflicting elements of truth, faith and self respect in proportion. I regularly use CanadianGuys method but it just puts the cork in the jug until later. If I don't talk it out later, that corked up jug is just looking for an excuse to blow up on somebody else. To often I've blown up on the wrong person.
For me, the AH was puzzled by my being quiet.That is me,I rarely get mad.
It serves no purpose for me. If something or someone hurts something or someone else, I will not put up with it and problem solve quickly as to what to do.
Even now, many years later, I rarely get mad.I wonder if it is the same thing as I don't panic, my kids don't either. if there is an accident we run to help,if a person falls we run to help.
If a dog is in traffic,we stop traffic to get it.My son blocked a bridge to help a dog.
what I mean is, maybe some people hit high emotion differently. some jump in,some hide, some yell or lose control.
I don't remember my parents or any of my family being mad or raging.
The only time I know I really got into it was, the AH had taken pills and drank. he was talking non stop,moving non stop and would not let me sleep. The disease wanted to play and I as always was not into it.
but this time, Iwent to bed, he turned the tv up. all that crap. I work hard on my sanctuary. I was so tired.
I got up grabbed him by the collar and bodily threw his boney butt out the door.
Now that I think of it,many years ago I lived with him after my first husband was killed.He wanted to take care of us,right.
One night he was out playing music and I came.I did not go often becuz he played in big bars.Not me at all. Iwas a rosey cheeked country girl/mom.
anyway that night I made him let me drive.He was so obnoxious, I stopped, not saying a word, told him hey open your door, then pushed him out and left...hahahahah we lived on top of a mountain so he had a bit to walk.He fell asleep outside with our big old hairy tabby cat...oh wellllll.
lol
Maybe I have decisive anger???? It has to mean something, it has to have a purpose or why waste the energy????
. Open to other suggestions.
