The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Friday night was uneventful. Thank God. Saturday, I picked up the grandbaby (she'll be 3 months old the 26 of this month) and we came back to the house, hung out with AH for a while. He wasn't drinking, he was fine. He wanted to take the baby to get an outfit....this was a HUGE step, I feel. He and my daughter (the baby's mommy) have not talked in almost 2 years, and he just recently a couple of weeks ago, met the grandbaby, even tho she only lives about 8 minutes away. So, we go to the baby superstore, he couldn't find what he wanted for her. We went to Walmart, then to Penney's. He picked out a very cute green gingham checked dress with a onsie and ruffled panties to match. Plus a white sweater. We got home early afternoon, he rocked her, fed her, played with her.....was very attentive. It was sweet. He even kissed her when it was time for her to go, and carried her car seat out to the car. All day, he had been getting her in and out of the car for me. I took her home about 5 pm. While I was gone, he went to the neighbor's house, his favorite drinking place. A band was playing at the club that I REALLY wanted to hear, (they are called 32 Degrees, out of Nashville, and they are the bomb!) and he doesn't know I go there. I used to years ago, and a few months ago started back. I have friends there, and even tho it may sound strange, I find my refuge in the loud music, the dancing, my friends. AH would probably die if he knew. I guess I feel like he has taken so much from me (yeah, I let him, I know~!) and I have spent so many, many sleepless nights, lonely wandering days, gallons and gallons of tears, maybe I feel entitled to do what I want to do! He had not taken his cell phone, so I left him a note that I was going to a party, and I would see him later. Thanked him for the beautiful day. He called me about 8pm, was sweet on the phone, told him I would be home midnight or later. THEN he started sending text messages, at first it was nice ones, wanting to know when I would be home....I sent one back, told him in a little bit. THEN he started calling my phone, like 15 times in a row. All that does is make me mad. I could tell he'd been drinking when I talked to him at 8pm. I was having a good time, sitting with my guy friend, J.T. . We had a good time talking, he is such a sweetheart of a guy. He makes me feel so good when I walk in, he just hugs me tight, gives me a kiss. We sit together and talk, dance, cut up, act silly. Last night we had about an hour to kill before the band started. He knows my AH, so was asking how it was going with us......he said my AH will never leave, if anyone leaves it will have to be me. Said if I ever did leave, AH would change his tune really fast....maybe for a while. One thing he said, that I really needed to hear, was...."Everytime you come down here, we have a good time. You just start talking to who ever is sitting here, you have made new friends. People LIKE YOU! You and I have a good friendship, without all the jealousy and crap. We just have a party here at our own table every time. I like that! I've always liked you, and I was so happy to see you walk in here, when was it....August? And you keep coming back, and you seem like you are getting better. Happier. More free. And I like it that you sit with me, so I can keep all the bad men away. LOL. And I like how you and I really like each other, but we don't get all weird and jealous if either one of us talks to someone else. We are all just here to have a good time, and that is what we do." My friend had told me he lives with a girl, but they had an "understanding" that he had his life, and she had hers. Said she knows he comes down there, and she has her own thing she does on Saturdays, because he's been coming down there to listen to bands for 20+ years. Now I know, usually this would set off an alarm in my head..."yeah, suuurreee she knows..." but knowing him like I do, he is not one to BS anyone about anything. He never has. If people don't accept him the way he is, he just goes on. He asked me if I ever thought about bringing my AH down to the club....uh, NO! You can't take an A out to a bar and have fun, not in my experience! But he did say some things, that I have been pondering today. It is the same things people here have told me, but it took a long time to get thru my head. One thing is you teach people how to treat you. Said if I continue to put up with AH's abuse, he will never stop. Why should he change? He also said, if you let them, that people will start "absorbing" you into their spirit. OMG! That is JUST what happens to me. I let people "absorb" me, and I lose myself, until I get tired of it. That is why I think I have been married too many times. My friend was married for years....he got tired of having to account for every move he made, I guess. Now I know how he felt. We only danced to one song, the band doesn't play many slow ones and J.T. only dances to slow ones. It was "Watching Airplanes" by Gary Allen. He was the opening act for Keith Urban when I saw him Nov. 1, 2007. I love that song. J.T. was acting silly, kept singing ".....and why you don't love me anymore.....". Then he would give me a squeeze. And a kiss. I don't feel like I am cheating on my AH, because since I have been going down to the club and talking to J.T., he hasn't made any kind of gesture to indicate he wants anything more than what we have. We used to have that kind of relationship, and it was great at the time. But he hasn't said anything about he'd like to start it up again, which is good. I just NEED the hugs and kisses, and the laughter, and dancing. It makes me feel like a person again. I was "gone" for so many years, I feel like I am just coming to life again. My OWN life...not AH's, not J.T.'s.....MINE! And it feels good! When I got home at 2 am, hubby was waiting up and madder than hell. I slept in the bed, he slept on the couch. At 5 am, he had the TV turned up as loud as it would go, and it is right outside the bedroom, which has no door. I got up and asked him if he was crazy. He started jumping around, trying to keep me from seeing the remotes. I went back to bed, and he finally turned it off. When I got up at 8 or so, he had hid the tv remotes, and the modem to the computer, so I couldn't use any of it. Just more of his crappy control crap. I hate it. I didn't say anything about it, tho. Just went back to bed, and he finally came to bed, but kept jumping if our skin touched. Then he slept on top of the blanket so we couldn't touch. After I took a shower, he had gone back to bed, and the remotes were on the table, and the computer hooked back up again, so I didn't even mention it. I am detaching. Maybe not in an approved way, but it is working for me. For now. My AH's son, his girlfriend and their 3 year old are coming from Michigan to stay the week, next Fri. so I told my friend I wouldn't be coming down there. I hope I survive the week with the extra houseguests. I love my 3 year old grandbaby with all my heart, but it is easier when her daddy isn't around. He is too much like HIS daddy (my AH). So.....next week will require much patience and detaching on my part. I am glad it is Sunday, and that I survived the weekend. I did take the camera with me last night, and took some pics of the band, and my friends. I will keep them in my locker at work. They make me happy to look at tho. I got them developed today. Sorry this is so long. It is also therapeutic for me to write.... Oh, and for Valentine's Day, I got home, AH was across the street, as usual. But on the kitchen table was a bouquet of spring mixed flowers, and a card.....the envelope said "To My Lovely Wife". WTH?!?!?!?! I thought I was fat, ugly, gross, etc. Hmmm I had gotten him 4 new T-shirts and a card. Love in Recovery, Becky1
I was thinking the same thing. I want off this see saw too. Back and forth, all this negativity about me coming from him. It's you, you, you. Don't have anyone else in mind. Too old for that. Don't believe a word that an A says.
In support, Nancy
PS If your grandbaby is going to be 3 months, then mine is too. She is so sweet!
Yes, the back-n-forth, I want out, I love you, I hate you, I don't care where you are, why don't you leave, where are you at???!!?! When are you coming home. Why don't you leave??? You are a blankety-blank-blank. You are my beautiful wife, and I love you very much.......ugh OMG If not for learning what I have in Alanon, I would definately be on the nut wagon. (More than I already am). Learning to take care of myself, to speak up for myself, for what I want and need has been very hard for me. I come from a home where my mother was very much the martyr, very controlling (all in the name of love, of course), but also giving herself away in the process. OMG! I have turned into my mother! LOL No, actually I'm a whole lot wilder than she ever dreamed of being, because I got to the point where I simply did not care what anyone said or did. Maybe I am there right now. After my mom left my dad when I was 7, she never dated. She just raised us 4 girls. But let me tell you, I was raised so strict, that once I was able to get out from under her thumb, I just went crazy. I've never been arrested, or anything, but I sure have had a lot of experiences. After the hurt, tears, then the despair, the rage, then the numbness.....I am just beginning to breathe again, one breath at a time. I sincerely hope I have not offended anyone by my posts, and I certainly don't condone living my life the way I am right now to anyone. What I do hope is that any new comers here can look at my life, how I got to where I am right now. How I have been pulled out of the muck and mire and somehow started to feel a heart beat within my chest again. I realize that maybe HP has a twisted sense of humor, that I think I have found my salvation in a bar, of all places......but I don't go there to drink, I like the music, the company I find there. The dancing is definately good for my weight-loss goal! And my outlook on life for now. Here I am, 5 marriages into the future, and counting, as my AH likes to say.....ugh. nmike, congrats on the beautiful grandbaby....they sure make life worthwhile, don't they? I have lots to share with that little girl! Love in Recovery, Becky1
