The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a b-day party for my 5 yr old today. It was mostly program people. It was really nice. I was missing some of my closer friends as they couldn't make it "the regulars". I love throwing parties. We had lots of big family parties when I was a kid. Those are some of the best memories and I feel so lucky to continue this tradition with my kids despite the fact we have no "family". My parties are way better than the ones we had when I was a kid as no one drinks or fights and the party always ends with hugs and smiles rather than tears and shoves. Last night though, I was in a rough spot. A friend mentioned that she saw ex and GF at a alanon convention. And although I had been doing suprisingly well, this info really sent me to a bad spot. Crying, rage, sickness, hate. Nothing I could really share at that moment. I used my tools and said my prayers and I knew the feelings and the thoughts would pass. But it took awhile. I sat with my feelings, I looked at them, I cried about them. That's all they were and it was all me and what I was feeling. It took the happiness out of this day a bit. I woke up and I got buzy. I cleaned and cooked and snowblowed and the feeling passed and I felt better and I remembered this is MY life! This is my children's childhood. There is no more waiting. This is it! So, I better damn well enjoy it. There is no do over. Good stuff!
Now, just a bit off topic.....I met a man in this program 4 years ago. I developped a crush on him. No big deal, just an interesting man who made me smile when I thought of him. But I haven't seen him in about a year, infact I haven't thought of him in about a year. Then, on Thurs. he popped into my head when I was trying to remember what it felt like to be attracted to someone. And I smiled. Friday, I took the 5 yr old to the mall for a haircut. We got lunch and as we were playing a game on the fast food bag, I hear someone say my name and I look up and it is HIM! Wow! We chatted for a minute and it was just nice, even just to be touched by this program out of the blue but also because it was HIM! and he sought me out! Neat! So, on I go about the day. And I have this little hope that he will show up Tues at the meeting but whatever.......Then, crappy night last night I alomst forgot about seeing him. Today, I run to the store to get the cake and there HE is! I walk over to say hello and he makes a comment about us seeing each other twice in a week and that he might start to think I am stalking him! LOL! If he only knew! And again, I mention this week I will definitly be at the Tues. meeting and off we go to our daily lives. I got in my car with a giant grin!
Who knows if I will ever see him again. I don't think he has any interest in me, or anyone for that matter. But just the fact that I ran into him twice must mean that at least I am on the right path. I must be doing something right to have that little gift given to me. The fact that he is an alanon and that I find him interesting....Thank God for this program, I know I do!!!
Oh Seren, I can SO relate to your post. I know that must have been awful hearing about the ex and the GF. Yuk. Who wants to hear about that? My stomach is in knots at the thought of it. Sounds like you did the right thing by just sitting with those feelings and then letting them pass. I'm learning about that.
And I LOVE the story about the man!!!! Yes, it's so nice to wake up and discover that we're still here and living and breathing and DESIRING. I sometimes had doubts that I would ever DESIRE again. But, gee......I think I do! No-one in particular (or maybe EVERYONE! lol), but it's nice to know that I'm not dead yet. Isn't it just nice to FEEL again? And I like your attitude about "who knows if you'll ever see him again". No death grip on the outcome of this "thing". Very healthy.
In time and with letting go work and practice the pain of being let go yourself will go away. When you learn that most important relationship is the vertical one with your HP and that learning to love yourself leads to learning how to love others the pain will go away. I so relate to the residual feelings and reactions that you spoke of and I learn it was that way because I had not learned yet to fully let go with prayers of blessings for the lost person. I use to think that was all crap until I started working it anyway and the program was right. Yes I also was sooo needy and wanted constant verification from other. That also changed with learning to love myself as my HP loves me and not expecting another person to be responsible for it.
I had a b-day party for my 5 yr old today. It was mostly program people. It was really nice. I was missing some of my closer friends as they couldn't make it "the regulars". I love throwing parties. We had lots of big family parties when I was a kid. Those are some of the best memories and I feel so lucky to continue this tradition with my kids despite the fact we have no "family". My parties are way better than the ones we had when I was a kid as no one drinks or fights and the party always ends with hugs and smiles rather than tears and shoves. 