The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am really down about my marriage right now. We have been separated for 2 years (4000 miles apart) and only text one sentence daily: "good night" back and forth. That is the extent of our contact. Whenever I have tried to do more, he says he is uncomfortable with whatever I wrote or said.
He is not in recovery, is an A and he is bi-polar and refuses meds or medical attention about his condition. He was diagnosed years ago and acts like nothing is wrong (typical).
Today I began writing a letter asking for a divorce.
I began to question this because I am also one month away from my thesis defense and I know I plant land mines when big things come up and I use other (usually negative) big things as distractions for other (usually positive) big things. Also, its the first day of my period. Another red flag (no pun intended).
I want clear directions from HP on what to do about this marriage. I WANT IT NOW!! How do I ask for this? I know I am right where I am supposed to be and that my HP will let me know what to do and when to do it but I want clarity now!! (I hear a temper tantrum, don't you??!! YIKES!!)
Any thoughts, ideas, feedback would be appreciated. Hugs, J.
"Whenever I have tried to do more, he says he is uncomfortable with whatever I wrote or said." Now who is controlling whom? Sounds like your A is trying to control you. That's what my AHsober says to me all the time - it's you, see what you did. There is always two in the relationship.
Focus on you and your thesis. ODAT. Keep up with your recovery program. As hard as it may be sometimes.
One day at a time, and First things first. I know the urge to put too much on my plate sometimes is hard to resist, but a divorce, during your thesis, during your period sounds like definate self defeating type behavior. And, yes, a temper tantrum sounds like great fun. It's been a while since I've had one, too. ;)
As for his messages, I agree with Nancy. Sounds like he's putting it on you to feel guilty for trying to reach out.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Answers come when are ready to receive them. (The A has a habit of sabotaging us, and has done it for years. Kind of testing us to see if we're okay.) I think to a point we self sabotage ourselves for whatever reason. I know how defending a thesis can be. It's exhausting, hard, and for me, frightening. I hate to speak in public.
Your divorce will take time (if you decide to go ahead with it), so what's one month more? Your thesis is on a deadline. I have a trick when I can't seem to make up my mind. I write it down on a piece of paper, then burn it. It floats up to HP. Some people have an HP box. Concentrate on the immediate tasks at hand. Let him handle the rest for awhile. Good luck with your thesis. I'm sure you'll do great. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Jean - I agree with the others - put first things first - and it sounds like the thesis should really be your first thing. Worrying about other things is an avoidance technique that our brains play with us. I know when I start to really worry (okay obsess) about something, then suddenly my mind will wander to other things I need to be concerned with. Pretty soon, I've got a full plate of worries that I can choose from. Just for today, keep the decisions about your marriage and writing that letter on hold. You've patiently held on for two years, so one more month is a piece of cake.
Take a breath and pat yourself on the back for how far you've come - with your education, and with your recovery. You've got such amazing good things going on. Don't spend any time in tomorrow's worries right now.
My counselor told me this at my last meeting with him, and I shared this at the face-to-face Al-anon meeting last night, and for me, at least, it holds true:
"When you focus on your AH and his problems, you're doing it to avoid your own. It's a cop-out on yourself. You think it's easier to try to fix or focus on someone else than yourself."
There is so much wisdom here. I am so lucky I found this board. This board IS HP sometimes, ya know?! I need you guys to help me keep it real. Thank you for your honesty and affection. Hugs and love and a ton of gratitude- J.
PS: hey I think Tuggboat left a great post on this string and now its GONE??!! How weird...maybe he removed it? Or someone else?? How do I find out? I would really like to see that list again- it was awesome. huh...(scratching my head).
Love and blessings to you and your family.