The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Lately I have been noticing that I am having real trouble with not wanting to give of myself to anyone.Even at work,which is in retail, I find myself annoyed with customers who want my my help or my opinion on anything.They seem needy to me. I know it's my job to help customers but I find I just want to show them where to find something then go back to the task I am working on. I don't want to hear about their lives or what they are working on, I just really don't seem to care.The other day I found myself thinking what an idiot this guy is who can't decide what toilet to buy and wanted my help.I can't be having these thoughts on my job,I want to care and be interested in people,I think that is a healthier way to be.
I have heard in Alanon that because we have given of ourselves for so long we will go through a period of shutting down or not wanting to give at all.Eventually the pendulum swings back to center and we will want to give again but in a more balanced,healthy way.I am having trouble getting there.
I have cut contact with my family because I do not want to give of myself to them and they are very demanding.I am still living with my AH sober,we are sort of just roomates now,the marriage is over.I even get irritated that I feel I have to offer him some of my food,because he always offers me some of his.When I shop I think I have to buy enough for both of us because he will be home and I feel I HAVE to offer it.I resent that because I want to just buy MY food as he buys his.He has no problem with sharing and will often have something waiting for me when I get home from work.
Why am I like this? Is this part of the process?Has anyone else had this problem?
I think that inside I am a very caring and giving person,but because of the effects of alcoholism I think I gave for many many years with a resentment,not from my heart.I was trying to prove that I was a good person so I could be accepted by all the a's in my life.I was always trying to do THE RIGHT THING,trying to take care of everyone and prevent catastrophies from happening.I had the weight of the world on my shoulders alone.
Well, now I am done with that.I am through giving till it hurts to people who couldn't care less.I am through putting my own feelings and needs aside to take care of everyone else.I am through being hurt over and over, and used and verbally abused by people who say they love me.
But I cannot work in customer service ( and I do like my job) and feel this way. I think it might show that I don't give a crap about what light fixture you have in your entrance hall! I should care.It's my job,but also I would be so much more at peace and serene if I did care.
(((Dru))), I work in social services and there are some days when I just don't want to talk with my clients, listen to their problems, and I would just like to be at the pc doing data entry or whatever else.
When I get like that I have noticed that for me i haven't done somethig for me lately. It could be something small or not. Maybe I need a meeting, maybe I just need some time to myself.
I related to you share. I sometimes get resentful of giving of me. But then I remind myself that each one of my clients is an individual and needs my complete attention and has no idea that I just spent the last hour and a half trying to help someone else find a place to sleep that night or whatever the crisis is.
Giving of yourself can be so draining, for me it is important to fill back up.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
__________________
"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
You and I both work retail. Frankly, it sounds like you're burnt out. Many people don't realize how hard retail can be. During the holidays, I don't seem to have that much fun. I was talking to a woman who works retail in a card shop. She was saying the same thing. The customers were incredibly tough this year. Perhaps it's the economy, their life, whatever. It does seems like they take their bad moods out on us (at least some). What they don't understand that most people in retail actually like taking care of their customers? We want them to be happy. After all without them, we would have no work. But there are days when I just want to turn to them and say "Get a life. Your problems aren't so big. Live my life for awhile!"
Having said that, working retail + dealing with A = a person who can and does feel like quitting the human race at times. It's still taken me weeks to finally unwind and reconnect. I try and use my Alanon tools at work as well. I say the Serenity Prayer lots! I have found that if work is particularly stressful as well as the A, I have NO desire to do any kind of service work.
Frankly being burnt out for me, is a signal that I need to step away from things and work extra hard at taking care of me. Maybe it's not giving as much to my customers (I can be overly helpful). Maybe it's reading posts rather than responding to them. Maybe it's giving it all up to HP and letting him handle things for awhile. Maybe it's completely changing gears and doing things I wouldn't normally do. Like reading a really cheesey romance novel. Or running naked on a beach! (Okay I would never do that! I'd scare the fish and anything or anyone else that might see me!) The point is this when you need to replenish yourself. Don't be so hard on yourself. It'll only add to the anxiety you're feeling. Take a deep breath and do what you have to in order to feel better. It'll come back to you. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
((((((((Dru))))))) I went through this about 3 years ago. When I shut down nothing around me mattered. The body was there but nothing else. The emotional & spiritual were absent. Bottom line I didnt know what I should feel, think or how I should act about anything including my kids, husband, job etc. No amount of talking for me helped me out of it - I just had to ride it through to the other side. For me it was about 5-6 months. I think it was HP's way of taking me out of the suffering for a while. An opportunity to lick my wounds and get stronger - and stronger I did become. Within one year of this things got really bad at home and I was able to stand up and handle things in the appropriate way.
All I can suggest is to remember that everything is temporary. Ride it out - HP will help you find your way when he thinks your ready. Karen
__________________
Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
Dru, thank you for posting about this. I have experienced this and have not known quite what to do or quite what to make of it. The responses are terrific. In a way, it makes sense that we would experience waves of this sometimes. I mean, I have been giving and take care of others since I was like 3 years old!!! WAY too young to be doing that but there you have it...not much I can do but identify that and know that there will be stretches of time when I will feel this way and that its OK. Hugs and my best thoughts go out to you. J.
I can relate to what you are saying Dru. I think that before I started my program, I was so used to people sucking the life out of me, and me being a doormat allowing them to do so, that when it came time to care about me, I just went overboard.
I find now that at times I just get irritated with people always trying to grab a piece of my time, when most of the time I would just rather be doing my own thing. I feel guilty for feeling this way.
I'm sure theres a balance between the two but I haven't arrived there yet. I guess thats why I'm still in recovery.
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
__________________
A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Hang in there! I have been there and back many times! You are experiencing a struggle that passes. Believe me I struggled with those feelings for about a year and am living proof that persistency pays off and that God is there. Even when we don't care He does. I love to feel today and I am better off with the new feelings I have been having. Just be easy on yourself. I hope I make sense to you. I am vey tired and stressed but try to keep a good outlook on life despite my exhaustion and difficult moments.
Glad you came back to post. Considering your situation you have to be emotionally exhausted - giving and not getting anything in return. I was thinking that I have been told to work on better boundaries so I don't take everything to the core.
Or running naked on a beach! (Okay I would never do that! I'd scare the fish and anything or anyone else that might see me!) The point is this when you need to replenish yourself. Don't be so hard on yourself. It'll only add to the anxiety you're feeling. Take a deep breath and do what you have to in order to feel better. It'll come back to you. Love and blessings to you and your family.
