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...ok I know I need to get this under control once and for all, and learn not to fall for it any more, but I am a real sucker 'cos I cannot let my grandchildren down and my daughter knows this and is very clever at working me on this one.
I need some feedback from you guys to help me though 'cos I just do not know how to go about this.
Last September I went to stay with my daughter and her three children at her request as she was having two German students come to visit and she was in full time work too, so she needed someone to help be there for all of the children and the guests to come home to. [She also was very short of cash too, but did not say that!].
That ten days cost me £450, which was all of my savings and some, but as there was no food in the house and she was expected to take the students out and entertain them it was me who paid out. At the end of that time I left to come home as the week got worse, with my daughter being unreasonable, critical of everything I did and said, two faced once the guests were out of earshot [most of the time thank goodness, for it was very embarrassing for her to criticise my every move when they were in the same room - and uncomfortable for them too]. She grumbled when I want to shower, she complained when I stayed out of the way, and she complained when I tried to help out and she ended the week by making her son so depressed that he refused to go to school because he was so upset FOR ME.
He and I got real close for the first time in his life as we spent quality time together, I was taking and bringing him home from school and we played together and I helped him to build a skate board from three broken down ones that he had been given. We spent hours rubbing it down and painting it.
My daughter realised she had gone too far when her son would not go to school and the day after he ran away from me and ran across a main road without using the school crossing. I sorted that one out with his teacher, and between us we sat him down and he promised not to do it again. Then the next morning his mother did nothing but yell at me for an hour and a half before she left for work and the girls had left...consequently when it came to going to school he flatly refused to go.
In the meantime his mum text me to say, "I know I am in the wrong, I upset "son" this morning too, got alot of things going on in my head. Cannot say anymore right now."
Unfortunately the damage had been done, and so I ended up having to call his mum and tell her that short of dragging him there was no way I would get him to go to school that day even if she did insist I get him there, I was not strong enough to physically do it; and that he was sitting on the bottom of the stairs sobbing telling me that he hated his mum for shouting at me all the time.
We agreed he could not go to school in the state he was in and as the girls and their guests were out 'til late the school having taken them all to London for the day, Grandson, mum and me went out for dinner and a game of pool. [Grandson teaching me - it was a lovely night.] But mum was still very up tight and critical, though she was trying hard not to upset either of us.
Well, I came home and nothing more was said, no apology, but then I do not expect that. I came home early I could not stand any more. My son could see that my daughter was treating me bad and agreed that I had done nothing to promote this and that coming home would be for the best.
She said she would repay £250 to me over the next few months...well I was pleased with that but not really sure that that would happen. It didn't. Not one penny, even though she knows I am only on Disability pay.
Then out of the blue, the following happens: [I have not been allowed to be in touch with her or my grandchildren and Christmas and New Year went without me even getting a card or a text or a call. All very hurtful and although I have been ill, NOTHING, I could have been dead for all she knew or appeared to care!]
A week ago she texts me and then I get an email, nothing much but hey she's made contact. I am pleased. I forget all the horrible silence and the neglect and the broken promises.
This carries on inconsistently for a few days and I am feeling, Okay - you want to make contact, fine by me...I will go along with that.
Yesterday she drops the bombshell and I find she is in direstraights. She needs a passport for her daughter to go to Germany on the return visit to her guest from last September, and the final payment for the trip has bounced and she needs £140 or else "grand-daughter" cannot go and she loses all the money she has paid so far.
The long and short of it is that I sorted the passport - it has cost me £53 so far for that, AND paid the £140 so that "grand-daughter" would not lose out on this and be the only girl in her class not to go on the exchange trip.
I am angry!
Half of me tells me I knew there was a catch in her communicating with me. She has no need of me in her life, so she tells me over and over again, she only wants to take from me at her convenience. Half of me tells me that there was nothing else I COULD do if I did not want my grand-daughter to lose out. Half of me feels I have been taken for a ride, yet again.
My daughter is useless with her money, she knows it, my son knows it and her children know it and they ALL know that I will come to the rescue - in the past from guilt because I believed myself to be such a dreadful parent and for all that things that they missed out on during my turbulent and violent marriage to their father - however, I know that GUILT had nothing to do with this one, I did it because I did not want my grand-daughter to lose out.
I DO NOT WANT TO CARRY ON LIKE THIS, I FEEL USED AND ABUSED. Not a word of thanks, not a how are you, not a sorry for anything, not a mention of the other money she promised to pay but so far hasn't. I just do not know how to stop this, but stop it I do want.
HELP! How do I do this without appearing to be the baddie yet again?
HeartB
She talked with him and then gave me the telephone. We agreed that he could not go to school in the state he was in and that she would sit with him when she got home that night.
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I too am in a position of very limited finances, so I have never put myself in the position of hurting even worse financially because I helped the grandchildren.
My parents are more able to help financially, so my oldest daughter pretty much uses the same technique as your daughter with them.
However, my daughter lost custody of her children a few years back and the father now has custody.
The best that I can offer my grandchildren is unconditional love. They know my home is a refuge, a safe place to be. They know they can call me anytime, that I will be there for them emotionally.
It is so sad that your grandchildren suffer because their mother can't manage money, but I truly believe that the love a grandmother has in her heart is far more precious than any financial help you can give in the name of the grandchildren.
My parents no longer get sucked into my daughter's games. She does have the children on weekends and has tried more than once to get money for the kids.
That's the ONLY time she calls my parents, other than if she's wanting money for herself, which they no longer give either.
I know you are sad that your grandchildren don't have a healthier environment, just as I am sad for my grandchildren.
This is when I have to have faith in my HP that he is watching over my grandchildren, and they know I will always love them.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
My impression here is that yes, your daughter is using you for whatever she can get. As for what you did, it seems that your motive was to help your grand daughter and that goal was reached. As for where to go from here, I'm not really sure about that one. My kids miss out on all kinds of stuff because we don't have the money and I wouldn't call my mom unless someone was about to die! I am betting that had you not come through mom would have found some other way to make it happen of been seen in the bad guy light for a very long time. When I do things like this I think to myself... will I be resentful of this? If so then I don't do it.
I've been in the same situation with children - mine and stepchildren. I make the distinction between the "mine" and the "step" only because with mine I was able to say I'm sorry our life wasn't so great when you were younger, I did the best I knew how to at the time, now I know a different way of being and I am a different better mom. I won't take blame for how their life is now - they are adults and can CHOOSE how they want their own life to be, it is their responsibility now, not mine. (This talk worked really well with my oldest son.) As for the stepchildren, their father continued and continues to this day to enable them. They can call him the most vile names, hit him, destroy his property, then say "oh I'm sorry daddy" and he forgives them and gives them the next thing they want (which is the only reason they say sorry to begin with - because they want something else). He too used the "I do it for the grandkids" excuse. When we were first married, his ex played the same games and got what she wanted because again his excuse was "I'm doing it for my girls". Well, his girls didn't benefit from it, rather they just learned they could use and abuse dad and act horribly and irresponsibly and get away with it. They treat others the same way too. Their parents taught them that and continue to teach them that with their enabling. As Al-Anon teaches us: Nothing changes if nothing changes.
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
It is so hard to stand up for oneself when there are children involved. One thing that has helped me is to consider how my actions affect the children long term. If a mother is manipulating me to take her responsibilities through guilt or emotional blackmail, she is setting a horrible example to her children of how to interact with the world around them. If I give in then I feel that I am just as guilty of validating her bad example.
If I stand up with self respect and insist that my help, when I am able to give it, will only come when I am ASKED directly and respectfully, then I have at least a small part in counteracting the bad example. Not only will the children see that emotional blackmail doesn't always work, but they will see an example of someone who respects themselves and won't be used. I value this example of love for oneself and respect for others above all material or monetary gifts.
Anyway, that's how I have tried to deal with similar issues myself in the past. I hope it helps.
Love in recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Is your daughter an A? if so, every dollar you give to the kids indirectly goes for her booze. Booze is a poison to an A. By allowing yourself to be manipulated like this you will actually be showing more love and not less like she says. The best position an active A can be in is to have nowhere else to turn. For many women, the justification that they are still good mothers leaves them in denial of their disease. They will fight and scream and bite like a wounded animal you are trying to help. It should be done out of love and not malice. You can do this. You can do this without guilt, You can do this with hope.
God I know that kind of anger as most of it for me was self directed until I put into practice a phrase I was learning during changing. The phrase was and is short and it takes courage to get it out without a following explanation. It is the shortest sentence I know today and when I say it I lovingly mean it.
"NO" is a complelte sentence. It doesn't have to be followed with and or but or the reason is or anything else. Just NO. I don't have to explain my no and If I want to I could and have added I don't want to. ...period...
I practiced it by myself and with my sponsor and with others in the program over and over and over until I used it on purpose to stop doing something I didn't want to do anymore...period! I say no for me. When I say it; it benefits me. There is no law that says I have to say yes or else. I can say no. I do say no.
Try it out. See how it sounds to you. Look in the mirror and pronounce the word clearly and lovingly. If the other person attempts some historical leverage like "You've always said yes before." You can calmly and lovingly respond with something like, "You are so right." And then go on with what you were doing. If the pressure steps up a notch try something like; "I use to do that and now I won't" and go on with what you were doing. If it looks like the other person wants to discuss it, "Can we discuss something else like a good book or a new movie?" It's now their time to say yes or no.
This takes courage and practice. Go practice and then pray.
Thats good Jerry, I often feel the need to give an excuse when none is really needed. I like the idea of trying it in the mirror. Maybe thats why it doesn't work all the time for me ;) the right smile might just do it. I wonder what I look like when I say no. hmmmm
I need some feedback from you guys to help me though 'cos I just do not know how to go about this.
