The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I bought my kids each a little gift for Valentines Day, but other than that didn't give it much thought. Then, I discovered it was best to keep the radio off on the way to work because the djs were making such a big deal about "love" and all, and I didn't want it to cloud my day. Okay, a red flag to me that I hadn't let go as much as I thought.
Got home this afternoon to see my sober ah was at the house. We got out of our cars at the same time and he is holding flowers. I stop in my tracks and he says, "can I put these in the house for the kids". Now if that wasn't a wierd feeling I had. I had a huge feeling of relief and felt my heart drop at the same time. Anyhow, he puts them in a vase on the table with a card that had all our names, with me listed as "mom". Then, he asked for a hug and softly rubbed my back. He made me cry.
I saw guilt swirling all around him, and I refuse to see the gesture as anything more than that. I just wish he had just bought each of the kids chocolates or candy.
He talked about how he has learned all about why he is why he is and that he needs to change and fix himself, but stated that he has absolutley no idea how to go about making that happen. I suggested he pray, which he said he does, but only to give give thanks and he doesn't ask for anything. It was clear how he is still in the martyr role and that he doesn't get it. He can't do it alone. I just need to accept that God is the only one who can let him know. That's a tough one for me, but proven true, again and again.
I also came to a realization today. I've been wanting to believe that if he gives up his g/f, all will be right. The truth is that there is no truth to that. He was troubled long before she entered the picture and she is just a symptom of what is wrong with him. Ultimately, getting rid of her won't fix him, rather, fixing him will get rid of her.
Enough rambling for now. Just had to get those thoughts out there.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Me too, Lou. I just can't get into the Valentines thing today. I am broke and didn't get him anything. He did give me a nice rose yesterday, but it's hard. Even though I think my AH is working at it, I still just don't trust him. He is still stuck in the ignore it and someone else will fix it mode. I just can't really feel that close to him. I feel emotionally dull at the moment.
I am working on a little card that I want to give him tommorrow, but I can't seem to think of what to write on it.
Well, hang in there. Tommorrow it will be gone for another year.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
(((Lou)))) Everything that you need is what you already have within you. You have strength and love inside of you that sustains you - and is a gift to this board. You also have a tremendous amount of knowledge and acceptance of the reality of your situation. It's obvious in your post that it's just a matter of swallowing it all the way down. The disease and the carnage it leaves behind is just so miserable.
I, too, am glad that Valentines Day has come and gone (completely unnoticed). I picked some flowers and put them in a vase on my desk and lit my heart shaped candle on my desk. That was the extent of it. One funny thing.....a VERY cute sales guy came by my office yesterday (OMG...VERY cute) and he was all chatty and when he left he said, "Oh...and Happy Valentines Day!" I laughed to myself that maybe nobody else acknowledged it, but it was nice that this handsome stranger did!! lol whatever......
I got a text from my A last night it said... Hey that's it... just ... hey.
I thought it was odd but just like yours a grasp at straws. I'm sure he was hoping you would take it as the flowers were for you. Strange feeling to want something and not want it all at the same time huh? I know what you mean!
Loupiness wrote:The truth is that .... He was troubled long before she entered the picture and she is just a symptom of what is wrong with him. Ultimately, getting rid of her won't fix him, rather, fixing him will get rid of her.
Very well said, Lou.
As to "how"? - I always like HOW = Honest, Open, Willing. ie - working our program.
