The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Like I said I avoided the A last night when he called from jail. I just don't want to talk to him because I fear I will weaken my resolve. My feelings for him are still there. Can I continue to avoid him indefinitely or do I HAVE to have a conversation about my boundaries? Also, I know that when he hooks back up with other "A girl" that I will be jealous. Is that normal? Can I just work around it?
Code, choose to avoid him just for today and see how you feel about it tomorrow. You can choose to avoid him for one more day then, if you want. Take it one day at a time and also, believe me, its no sin to avoid an A!! Sometimes it is absolutely necessary and the best thing for us to do. Hugs, J.
Co - you're so wise for realizing that you need boundaries in spite of those soft feelings. You might as well resolve to yourself that you may always have those feelings - but you don't have to act on every feeling or impulse if doing so makes you abandon yourself. Step back and take a deep breath. I've been right where you are (and may there again tomorrow, who knows?) - but I've learned that I love myself a bit more when I show myself some respect and realize that I am worthy to be treated much, much better than the scenarios in which I found myself. Step back from yourself for a minute. Look at that girl. Are you happy with the situation she is in? Are you proud of how she is responding to poor treatment? Step in and give her some strength. Learn to treat yourself like you would your little sister, or your child, or your very best friend. Call on HP to help you through the tough times and the weak moments. Get very still. You will soon realize that the other "A girl" will get no better treatment than you. She will not get the best of who he is - because he is incapable of giving that right now. Value yourself enough to let him be exactly where he is today. If he wants you, he may need to get his act together and step up. Right?
Codie, I asked my AH to leave nearly two weeks ago. It took me so long to make the break. I was so terrified that I would lose him forever. But I finally started to realise, "what am I losing? anyway".... I still love him so much and I know he loves me in a desparate kind of way. If my A was in jail, instead of moved out of home by force, I would still be having a break from him. The break I am having, is so good for me, as yours is for you. I finally made a decision, and stuck with it, have seen him since and been in contact and feel at peace still. I avoided him for a few days and sent a few nasty texts as I was angry, but then apologised when I calmed down. I have told him that I NEED a break from living together, something we have never done. I haven't set a date but taken out all the financial actions necessary and have a job. I am spending this time NOT thinking about this emotionally draining roller coaster relationship that I have been in for 13 years, trusting my God to work on him, but not trying to recue. I found that once I got over the initial pain which was terrible-I spent days crying and I could have called and he would have moved straight back- but I just prayed for strength and didn't call him back and just kept saying to myself one more day, I'll go without him one more day'"...and I have made healing space around myself and strenghthened my resolve... This message board is so powerful, hang in there and keep coming back.... We all feel that for some reason we can't live without an A!! But, actually, WE CAN! Hugs to you SB
