The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is sad and scary for me to read so many posts in here about people getting divorced or expecting a divorce.
I feel that way because it brings on yet another "what if..." cycle of thought patterns and projections in my own mind about my own relationship.
Are relationships with A's doomed to end in divorce at some point in time?
I don't like thinking about that right now. I've been talking with my counselor and he's trying to slowly move forward with me to help me find out first and foremost if I can feel comfortable with my husband's sexual identity issues or not. It's a big step for me, as I certainly was never fore-warned of AH's identity issues before I entered the relationship with my AH. I get confused about it... I try to remember all the good, fun traits of my AH and try to honestly ask myself "if he's bisexual, does it really matter that much to me?" What's my deal-breaker in all of this. I guess it's a boundaries thing I need to figure out.
AH seems to be doing good - but it's only because we just don't discuss what the hell was going on with him very often. I did ask him some details about what he was doing messaging those men, and he immediately became fidgety. It's obviously uncomfortable for him, and he wants to keep taking his usual stand-by step of "avoid it and it'll go away".
But as far as living in the NOW, though, I'm glad we're getting along okay. He seems to be thinking more and more about the alcoholism, and day by day, he kind of swings between wanting to deny it so he can go back to his beloved beer and then being clear and admitting to himself that every single time something really nasty occurred in his life, alcohol was involved.
GRAH! This just upsets me, though - every time I come on here to post and keep the focus on ME, I keep finding myself swinging back to a focus on my AH. And I find I keep relating my happiness to whether or not HE's happy.
That's baloney, and I know it. I've got to stop. I'm happy he's in a good mood, but that shouldn't be the *reason* for my happiness, if that makes any sense at all.
Maybe I need to start keeping a journal... a "things I'm grateful for" kind of journal that I write in every day - and I need to list out things that don't center on my AH. I'm fine with allowing him a single line in that list of gratitudes, he's my friend and the man I love, after all... but there's more to my life and what makes me happy than my husband!
Aloha, its really tough, the things you are going through and bringing up.
And like you said before you are out here in the middle of the ocean, too without a lot of connection to family and friends on the mainland (let me tell you, that is a huge factor, for all of those who are not out here, just believe me when I say I really think it is).
My husband could easily identify as bisexual. I have no idea if he is having sex with others or not during our separation. I just want you to know that I understand how hard this is and how it adds a level of complication. No, it does not make us special but is a point on the laundry list we all have on the A's in our lives.
My husband has made it clear that I make him uncomfortable since I have been feeling better and happier as a result of being a practicing member of al-anon. As I become more caring of myself and keep the focus on me, he is no longer catered to in the way he was accustomed to. I think this single factor, this change in dynamic is what sends most marriages into the crapper. If I no longer reach out, beg, contort, validate and be at his beck and call, the deal is off- typical for A's. When they say jump we no longer ask how high.
There are a million other partners/gf/bf/spouses out there who will take up where I leave off, believe me. A's find people to take care of them. They are experts at it. I no longer take this personally.
I now know that I do not want to be in a marriage with a nasty dynamic that incorporates begging, etc.
For me, it comes down to what I can live with and what I choose to live with. What do I want? What kind of person do I want in my life? What is best for me and my growth and peace of mind? J.
I sometimes feel like I can be strong in all of this. When I started this relationship, I felt like I was a very independent person and he can either join me in the activities I do that make me happy or stay home and.... do whatever. Don't care, but I'm not waiting around for him.
I think sometimes I did very well during his drinking stage - I'd certainly try not to gripe at him about the drinking and do things that made me happy, like playing computer games or volunteering to do certain things with my co-workers (like the ACS Relay for Life)... I always let him know he could join me, but he never did. Well, that's his problem.
But somehow in all of this, I did start to intertwine my happiness with his. I'd get unhappy if he talked about going off somewhere to do something without asking if I wanted to join. And then I'd be a big baby and even though I wanted him to ask me if I wanted to do it, I'd tell him "no!"
I really do get this pathetic, paranoid "don't leave me behind!" kind of neediness sometimes. So, it does become a control thing for me. I don't care if what I'm doing on my own that makes me happy leaves him feeling left out, but for some sick reason in my head, he's not allowed to go off and do something that makes him happy without me.
Hmmmmm.
Sheesh, i can be a spoiled little brat sometimes. :b
Can you trace where this came from- the neediness piece?
I mean, I think we are all needy sometimes and that is OK but its something that I used to struggle with a lot.
It was one of the ways my "stinking thinking" manifested. I connected his rejection (not inviting me) as a personal rejection at the speed of light and I would then proceed to blow it up into something far worse than anything he could have intended. This is just my MO (One of them, lol), I am not saying that it sounds like this is what you do. J.
I am one of "maybe this relationship is going to end up in divorce" ones. Not my idea at all. My value is to stick to it thru thick and thin. His idea totally - hell bent on it. I really think that it gives him as the AHsober power and control. Although he says it is all about me. I would so rather be on the other side of the statistic.
They do tell us to focus on ourselves. My thoughts have bordered on obsession. But somethings in life happen because of the A's. So they are a factor. and don't feel guilty abou having fun!
My AH did something like that to me about a week ago. We got into an argument, and I'll freely admit, I started it by saing something mean to him that was totally uncalled for.. but it got to a point where he kept hinting that he "couldn't take any more of this", and then "I'm done" and on and on... but he would never say the "divorce" word - I knew, though, that he just kept pushing me and pushing me to where he wanted it to be ME who said "I've had it. I want a divorce." and it TICKED me off, because I just knew if I told him that, then he'd throw all the blame on me. He'd have said "Well, I tried. I tried to got therapy with you. I tried to go to AA for you, but it wasn't good enough for you."
I never gave him the satisfaction of saying the "d" word or suggesting it, though. If he wants out, he needs to have the balls to tell me in plain english instead of knocking the ball into my court and putting it all on me.
But, we're not at that point right now. Right now we're in some sort of serene calmness... which I like. And I have to just let go and trust in my HP that during this calmness, he's working on his issues and thinking them through in his own way instead of "ignoring it until it goes away".
Jean - I can almost tell you exactly what made me a needy person. I grew up as a quiet, shy, overweight kid. I was picked on and bullied like crazy. I always wanted to be one of the "cool" kids, and be liked and not ostrascized for being quiet and heavy. But I was. I think that experience in my life made me a pretty clingy person to the people who did like me, and I was always wary of new people for a very long time, wondering if they were befriending me to play a mean trick on me or if they were genuine.
I had a rough childhood where that's concerned. I didn't have abusive parents or what I feel like would be defined as a dysfunctional family - but I had a lot of mean peers in school.
Still has the power to bring tears to my eyes sometimes thinking about how I was treated when I was young. - Jeez, I need to bring that up with my counselor, if I can remember.
