The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
There's an ancient saying "To you, you may be one person in the world, but to one person, you may be the world." Or something like that. Wow, am I seeing that come true. Yesterday, I just couldn't take it. I felt like my world was caving in, and I was done. I was going to put in the paperwork to quit school, get a real job, and end the insanity. Yes, you read that right. Now follow my logic (albiet, at the time, it was quite emotional, but it made sense to me): School costs money. I have no money. I need more money than I have. Given how money is not existing, and I am too exhausted to fight with the system anymore, I can't do it. Therefore, stop fighting with the system, and leave it. In other words, run. Just like always. Treat the symptom, not the disease. The disease: that was the fact that my parents were becoming more and more hateful, and I was relying more and more on aprogram that wasnt doing what I want wanted. What I wanted was financial stability. What I wanted--and still want, in many ways--is my parents to stop drinking, and get professional help; have the norman rockwell family. What I wanted was a program that gave me a life where I can finally be the carefree teenager that people told me I was supposed to be. What I wanted was for people to stand up and take care of me. Rescue me. And care for me. Tell me that I had been wronged. Over. And over. And over again. What I've gotten is the reality that life hurts. It's hard. And it's not about rescuing. It's about letting people suffer through their choices, good/bad/?. So I made calls. And people reacted. And I felt bad. Embarassed. What was wrong with me? Why was I acting this way? I didn't want to drop out of school. I wanted someone to pay attention to me. I wanted someone to tell me it was going to be ok. I wanted someone to shake me and tell me that there was nothing so terrible that I had to be a hero over and bear it alone. In other words: Get over your martyr/hero complex! I didn't get that, either. I got: "You're quitting?! But you're so close! Don't do that!" I got: "Sounds like you're finally bending under the strain of the family." I got: "Sarah, what do you need?" I finally said: "I feel like a failure. I feel lost. I feel scared. I feel like my dad always told me I was: a worthless, lazy, pice of **** that will never amount to anything." My sponsor and my councelor took a moment, then said: "Sounds like you're putting ALOT of expectation on yourself to get that perfect job and prove your parents wrong. Also sounds like because you're not, you're feeling like you're proving dad right." And that right there is my deepest, most carnal fear: that I'll prove my father right. (So for all you newcomers, yes, I still have fear). I also got ALOT of help. A friend suggested I get perscription asistence; it'll save me $1200/year. Mom sent a check, $200, along with a letter of "I suppose this is good bye..." *sigh* There's a job fair today. "An anonymous donor" is buying my Vagina Monologues tshirt. I feel embarassed though; I had a breakdown to ask for help. That's not what I want in my program. That's not what I need in my life. Drama to get help for drama? ....no. I feel embarassed, maybe a little ashamed. I don't know how to ask people to validate me without feeling embarassed about THAT! But I don't feel like dropping out of school. And I haven't. I feel like taking it one day at a time. But apparently, alot of people are concerned. They want me to finish. I didn't realize that. I need to find better ways to ask for help. Without having a nuclear breakdown.
What would you do if you had Rockwell parents but they were poor but loving? What would you do if you had nothing to prove to anyone but yourself? What if you'd never heard the word "worthless"? What would you do if you needed no validation from anyone?
Try answering those questions then act accordingly because THAT is who you REALLY are. The other committee is the internalization of what others have said and done. They're Fired!!
I believe in you! Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Gosh TIger, that was my problem. I just DID NOT KNOW HOW TO ASK FOR HELP, without having a "nuclear breakdown" as you so vividly put it.
Now you know others want you to succeed, you know there are people who you can ask. So I am praying that you will have the courage to ASK THEM FOR THE HELP you need and not back off again as I did over and over again.
You will never know the answer if you do not ask the question. That is what I was told and it works, even though I always feared I would get the answer I did not want to hear, it did not always work out that way. In fact I know I have confidence to take NO, or sorry I cannot help right now, or not now but I will see if I can later, without being struck stupid and ending up in a "the whole world thinks I am a failure, useless, or utterly worthless" state of mind.
Go for it Tiger, I am rooting for you with all the strength I have. GO show them, you can do it.
HeartB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Tiger, I want you to know that I did that too with school. I do all that too. NUCLEAR, yeah. thanks for hitting the nail on the head for me. I gotta learn how to ask for help as an adult would not as a screaming 2 year old would. I am finally getting it, I think. But wow its really hard. thanks for your post. Hugs, J.
You arrived at your wants and needs at the end of your post. What do you have to do to arrive at those consequences.
Reaching out for help from others is necessary for me to care for me. I am no longer afraid of doing it. I have found that most people like to be helpful and caring (Al-Anon is just chocked full of these people) and to be given a chance. I ask for help. It makes them feel good and I get my needs met.
My past is an anchor if I choose to let it be. It's been awhile since I have tied up to it. My parents were only human did the best they could with what they had and at times were right and at other times very wrong about things.
I know for me that if I don't have a plan for the day or a goal I am intense (my word) about I will bounce around the walls of where ever I am at and not get anything done or I will do something insignificant and then I will feel bad and get down on myself. I am my own validator and have the best information on me; what I need to keep and what I need to change for the moment and then the next moment.
I rely heavily on that relationship called the "verticle" relationship; me and HP, HP and me. HP is my real father and my father's father and mother's father and so on. This is my source of unconditional love and acceptance. It is from this source that I learn to feel and do the same for others no matter what I call myself or do for a living or such.
What is it that you would just love to do for ever? What do you need to do to get there?
....no. I feel embarassed, maybe a little ashamed. I don't know how to ask people to validate me without feeling embarassed about THAT! 
