The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I remember a child's book called Leo the Lop - a bunny with fall down ears and the moral of the story was there was no such thing as normal, it was what you were use to. With al anon, I understand that our normal from past or present may not have been healthy. The emotional and verbal abuse is a hard one to recognize and maybe some of the physical abuse is too. I guess I don't feel like I know what healthy normal family living is anymore because I am surrounded by those who don't seem to care about it one way or another. Everyone goes to their own corner and fear of messing up in some way keeps us apart. Some of it must be perfectly normal at these stages of child age too. So I feel stuck ~
I've learned to stop trying to fix things or smooth over lack of emotional support or presense of AH to our kids. It is his job to make a relationship with his kids. However, I have a relationship with kids but without the AH it seems wierd - I get invited to visit and he's not included. I guess I figgure if he wants to ever come, he can call to see if he can come too so I'll stay out of it even if it feels wierd. He's trying more with the younger ones when he can. I am worn out of doing it all so that is a welcome change when he is in town.
I guess I was too close to older kids so I've learned to not share with them so much but we were a problem solving team. Now it is hard to do things with younger kids. I don't trust my judgement on how to relate to them or find things to do with them on weekly basis at least. Just cover the basics - food, clothes and wheels to where they need to go. So empty nest almost and when the younger two are gone for the evening, it is empty and I've lost my momentum of things not being very worthwhile. I was involved with kids lives and will be - AH wasn't so much, is trying harder but won't enjoy things in the far off future as a grandparent like I will unless he has a major change. I doubt that though.
I hover with low level depression which must not be great for the younger children, lack of energy and indecisive about how or what to do to make it seem like we are a family unit. So I am stuck between the dream and the reality - not moving forward and not moving back but being stuck can't be healthy for these kids so I feel rotten. I know if I would just take better care of myself, I could have more energy to keep trying to get some reconnection going once in awhile. It's a lot of 'nah' don't want to do that with teens so I have to kick my depression to the curb and not take things personal. Have to have energy and hope to do that - the circle of gloom continues. exasperated with myself tonight, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Sounds like you need a BIG dose of praise for doing all that you have for the older kids and for the wonderful problem solving team that you had there. Sounds like you need to acknowledge this within your head now. Sounds like you are tired, no exhausted by the long hard slog that living with the A has been [and still is?], not certain if he is still living with you and the younger kids. No wonder you feel the sap being drained out of you and that sap is motivation, energy, strength to keep on doing for the younger ones what you have been doing for so long with the older ones.
ddub, you are a wonderful person, full of life and full of love and I admire that you are taking one day at a time to work this programme and continue to do all that you do, do.
You are allowed to be tired and to feel that the circle of gloom is never ending, however I am going to pray that you will not see this as HOPELESS, for it is in the hope that your future belongs and there is a future for you. It will be one full of HOPE, and LOVE, and JOY and where you will be energised and refreshed, after you have a good nights sleep.
Everyday is a new one, it is a promise that you left yesterday behind as you step boldly into it, for it is the first day of the rest of your life. Hopefully you will feel rejuvenated and able to grab it in both hands and give yourself a pat on the back for achieving all that you have achieved so far.
God Bless HeartB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I think that when we say it out loud and give it a name it takes the power from it. As a codependent I lived in a fantasy world but it was better than the reality. The downside is that I continue to be disappointed when reality hits. I am learning to look at this whole alcoholism and dysfunction as a gift. Difficult as it is. I loved my little family unit with mom and dad and the three boys. We were a team too. My AHsober I think was always a reluctant participant because the disease kept calling him. He really wasn't there mentally most of the time. His loss. In spite of it all we raised three great sons who are off on their own. I tried to hold on to them but I knew that wasn't right. So it went from a busy life and a house full of kids and activities and exhaustion to me and my pets and silence. Go figure. Take very good care of yourself.
