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Well, he left three years ago. Says he wants a divorce but never has filed. I see him now and then for taxes and talk about our kids. It is obvious that he has checked out of this relationships even way before he actually left. He has been sober for over 20 years. People ask questions. I never know what to say to friends, family, co-workers; even my grown sons. He's an alcoholic and he left. He left because he doesn't love me and doesn't want to be married. He wants a divorce. I feel like I just sit here like a victim because it is all about him and what he wants.
I know in my heart I hold on to maybe he will come back. In reality I make progress towards separating over thirty years of finances and possessions. I think even tho I don't want a divorce that I know more about what you are suppose to do then he does. I am having our land subdivided and hope to put it up for sale. I called the auto insurance company and ask to split the cars and the bill. I have made a budget and looked for other jobs.
A friend asked tonight - what are you going to do Nancy. I said I don't know. I thought should I tell her that I guess I am just going to be divorced by a sober A. I really don't know what to say. I go to my F2F meetings. I read my CAL books and call my sponsor. Sometimes I even have serenity but I seem to just float. Trying to hear my HP. Thanks for listening.
NM, I know that feeling of just floating, waiting for god knows what...I have been away from my husband for two years and I have no idea if we are going to get divorced or what. Soon, I will return to the area where he is and we will need to make some decisions. In the meantime, he is pretty much ignored- by me and all my friends. No one talks about him or asks about him. My niece is getting married in August and there is no mention of him in any part of that. I am pretty sure there is no mention of me in his world, either.
It is odd but nothing stays the same for long and some day some thing will shift and something will give one way or the other. I trust HP and know his timing is what counts. Something is aligning somehow. Right now the time is not right to make that change. I will know it when it comes. In the meantime I have an awesome opportunity to practice this incredible program, attend lots of meetings, take service positions, read my literature, etc. I get to cultivate friendships with interesting people. I get to eat well and exercise, do good work, etc. etc. In other words: LIVE my life with joy and gratitude.
I like what you said about slowly separating things out. This is good. Somehow, you are exactly where you are supposed to be and HP put you there for a reason. Its hard to figure out but have faith in this. Hugs and take care, J.
I am not sure what to say other than I can relate to the feelings I get from reading your post. You are doing all the right things to be prepared and progress is really obvious too. I guess it is in God's time or something about when the student is ready to learn the teacher shows up to teach.
Maybe that is what you can respond, that you will know when the right time is to do something different or perhaps ask first, why do they want to know what you are going to do. I am in a similar place at a different stage of life and I think part of it is letting go of what we thought it would be. However, I am not surprised when I look back to see things and also see it is not any different now so why would it be in the future? We can't fix the past but we can change the future...........true but if the future builds on the present and the present doesn't have enough to build on from the past, then maybe the present needs to be different. Like building a house of cards, can't be done in that way if the foundation isn't strong or it all tumbles down. Guess we need to come up with a new model that can stand on the foundation we have....hmmmm.
Hoping you find a strong model that will build your castle to the stars. I gues they say, shoot for the moon so even if you don't make it to the moon, you are bound to find some stars. With support & g'nite hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
If he left three years ago and says he wants a divorce, when HE WANTS a divorce he will file for one. In the meantime, I would ask myself, do I WANT a divorce? If my answer to that is NO, then I would leave it at that.
If anyone asks me, that is what my answer would be. Then, like you I would quietly get on with separating out my life and the important things that affect my life, and walk the talk if and when it is right for me.
However, I would make sure that my WILL was in order so that the people who matter to me do not miss out should anything happen to me whilst this state of limbo exists, so that the choice HE made three years ago does not affect what I WANT to happen to MY things in the event of my death.
This is a case of, others may ask, question and THINK I should be doing something to effect the divorce that he has said HE wants, but what they THINK and what I WANT may not be the same. Until then, I would continue in the same way as you are, as long as it was not making me miserable and lowering my quality of life any more than this situation of staying the same is doing at this moment in time.
You come over as a very level-headed and thoughtful person, not one that rushes around doing unnecessary things and YOU have no obligation to anyone else to explain your actions or inactions.
Just my take, take it or dismiss it as you see fit.
Hugs and God Bless, HeartB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Not knowing what to say or do is okay. That's part of our recovery. We're allowed to be human and not have all the answers right away. I have always believed that answers come when we are trully ready to receive them. Sometimes those answers don't come when we want them but rather farther down the road. It's hard to be patient. If people ask you what you are going to do I would say "At this stage I really don't know. But I don't want to force a decision that I may regret later. I'll know when the decision is right." If it makes you uncomfortable to answer them, tell them. You're a diplomatic woman. Doing what is best for you is what recovery is all about. I know you know this. After you're one of the people that taught me that. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Nancy - I can relate to your post. Sounds like the fact that he's SOBER and leaving is particularly troublesome. My A has left me three times over the past thirty years that I've known him. First time was a teenage thing (so that one's discounted, even though it completely blew the doors wide open to unlimited drinking). The second time he left was particularly gut-wrenching, as he broke our engagement. He was anything BUT sober at the time. He was completely at the bottom of the bottle. He left and moved in with another woman. I was angry and ripped apart. But in time I chalked that up to the insanity of his VERY active disease. It became much easier to dismiss the fact that he no longer wanted me. He was out of control.
This third time, he did have a slip, but it was when he sobered up that he decided I couldn't fit in his life. Gee that's a bitter pill. Part of me believes that I can't blame the alcohol this time, because he was stone cold sober when HE made that decision that WE couldn't be together. I mean, he didn't leave me for alcohol....he left me for an attempt at sobriety. That's hurts all over. Like I was somehow standing in his way (and right now we're 10,000 miles away from each other). Go figure. And the fact that I had no vote in this decision is especially difficult. He changed his mind about us - so I must deal with it - and pick up the pieces and be okay. That sucks out loud.
So what do you tell people? First of all, unfortunately marriages split up all of the time, for all kinds of reasons, and I just don't think everyone needs to know every private detail. Your closest circle probably knows your situation already. The others don't need to know all of your business. Give yourself time to process what your reality is for you right now.
It sounds like you're doing all of the thing you need to do to take care of things on the outside. And I KNOW how tough that must be. From the outside it may even appear that you've got your situation under control. It's that "fake it till you make it" way of living. I know that dance so well. I've gotten pretty good at seeming "fine" (my therapist actually told me on my third visit with her that I was fine...I've since dropped her). I keep waiting to make my head as okay as it appears from the outside. But I know it will come if I keep working this program and make myself willing to do everything I need to do to take care of myself.
30 years is a long, long marriage. And the fact that he hasn't taken the step to file for divorce surely must be leaving you with some sense of "hope" for a reconcilliation. I know it would for me. But the reality is, he is an alcoholic. Sober or not...he's got the disease. It keeps us off balance. It keeps us ever on the edge of understanding things. It likes to make us nutty. It's part of the insanity of it all.
Keep doing what you're doing. You sound like you are working at living your life. Joy will follow. In HP's time. I know that for certain.
Something to keep in mind - marriages between people where there is no addiction on either side end, too. We see so much here of the mess made by alcoholism that I think we sometimes assume that where there is sobriety there should be no problems.
I agree with others - do the part of divorce work that is about protecting yourself, leave the rest to him. If he doesn't do it, oh well. Meanwhile you can spend the time not used thinking about him, in finding and following that passion.
Oh, and, I wouldn't say anything to others. "We're separated" is enough.
I think one of the remarkable lessons that I learned when I separated from my AH (now a recovering A) was that I don't owe anyone an explanation, nor am I obligated to answer their questions about my private matters.
At first, I was concerned about what to say, how much to say, and whom to say it to. So for once in my life, I kept quiet and discovered that when I didn't respond to inquiries, people stopped asking soon after. It reminds me of a well-known TV pyschologist's favorite truisms: You teach people how to treat you. Even my very two best friends do not ask what I will do - divorce and return home. This is a big switch for me. I used to be the kind of person that wanted everyone to understand me - okay....what I mean is, I didn't want people to think poorly of me and to know that my intentions were good. But I finally accepted that people will think what they will think. Sometimes it will be good and sometimes it will be not so good. Either way, I'm very okay. Furthermore, what is important is what I think of myself, for my thoughts govern my actions.
Another remarkable lesson that I learned is that my life is so much better when I accept that I don't have all the answers to my questions, and that in time, the answers will reveal themselves to me at the right time. A tough lesson indeed that continues to deliver more satisfaction than I could have ever imagined.
Floating is part of the process for many of us. I don't even know for certain how many years I floated. But it passed.
You are making progress, even though it might not feel like it. Take Care!
I just want to say thanks for posting this. All the great responses here, well, they were for me too (but then again that is what this board is all about). I completely understand the hesitancy in moving forward, hanging onto hope, feeling unloved, and how the sobriety factor adds salt to the wound.
He may "want" a divorce in theory, but not want to have to deal with the expense and logistics involved. It may be waaay easier to keep things as they are. You probably do know way more about divorce than your husband does. By taking the time to prepare for complete separation, you are taking care of yourself. Not only will it make the process a bit easier, but I know for me in the end I will feel better if we both know I took some power and wasn't just sitting around waiting for him to make all the decisions. You may want to start asking around for recommendations on great divorce attorneys as well, and take the time and money to consult. Once I did that, it took a huge weight off of me!
In regards to the questions, since we are still in the early somewhat secretive stage, the only person that really gets to me is my mother-in-law. Finally, after being bombarded with
"so the papers are filed, is it definately going through?" "can you keep the house?" "where will you move?" "what about your son's school?" "what are you going to do about work?" "he'll have to pay child support won't he?" "will you still be a part of the business?" "what about the new building?" "will the baby be in daycare full-time?"
for the umpteenth time, I just cracked, and responded with "I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW! THAT IS WHY WE HAVE ATTORNEYS. WHEN I KNOW THE ANSWERS I WILL LET YOU KNOW. PLEASE STOP ASKING!
Voila! No more questions. Since my response was so out of character, I think I scared her. lol
As for everyone else, I think it will be important for me to remember that I don't owe anyone any explanations.
Hang in there,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Al-Anon has empowered me to realize that I do not have to give everyone and their brother the backstory to my life, unless I want to do so. I have been separated from my sober AH for 2 1/2 years. No one has really asked much what we are doing for the past year or so, maybe because they see that we are slowly working on things. Now, however, the questions will likely come. We told folks that he was moving back in at the end of November, but after putting it off because of the "holidays" and other events, we talked it through and agreed it is not time yet. So, what will I say? I know that most of the questions come out of love and concern and not a need for gossip. It seems to me it should be enough to say "we decided that we need more time to make this very important change in our relationship."
You are entitled to the same respect. Most likely the questions come from concern, but in Al-Anon, we do not tell each other what to do. We each are given the dignity to make our own decisions, on our own timetable (and that of our HPs). You do not have to justify or explain anything. You can acknowledge the concern and tell them that YOU haven't decided anything yet. And remember, you do have the power to make the decision about what is right for you. He does not have all the power. You can decide if this marriage is working for YOU and if not, what you want to do about it. Is it helping your recovery or hindering it?? Only you can make that decision. You cannot make him stay in the marriage or be the partner that you deserve. You can, however, control what actions you take (or don't) to take care of you.
Hang in there!!
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I got a lot of questions from well meaning friends. My A lives just down the road. This time of year work is really slow, so as we are working things out, he is here all the time. Talk about some confused people. I got things like, "The only thing he's not doing here is sleeping." "How come he doesn't just move back in?".
Some of them it was none of their business. I just told them we're working it out. The close friends I told there's a lot of personal issues and I can't live with him right now. The really close friends I told that I no longer trust him and it is up to him to prove to me that he can be trusted again.
I really didn't tell anyone anything else. They wouldn't understand anyway. When I need to talk about it I talk to my program friends here and f2f.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
