extended family - Al-Anon Family Group

ddub · ~*Service Worker*~

extended family

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

hi dear, well unless they are in alanon, what do you get out of it? Most people outside of alanon do not understand at all.

It may make them not like the A, and or blame you.

I called my A's mother at first becuz I had NO idea what was going on. I would jump in my truck and leave,park somewhere far away and call her.

after alanon I stopped calling anyone.I usually came here to the chat room. After alanon sunk in, I no longer needed to call anyone.

the disease was NOT my problem.I did not even think about it. If it came out, I simply left the room as if my A was invisible. Just gave it NO power over me.I cannot control the A and his disease.

When ya learn to detach, it is rare it gets to you the same way.

I want to go see my a now but I am afraid it won't be him, and that would be a waste of time.

Hugs hon,debilyn

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there dd, well, all I can do is share with you my experience.

I confided in his step mom who I really liked (notice the past usage) and felt comfortable with. We would go out to lunch, etc. etc. She just kept telling me to hang in there and that things would get better. Of course they got worse so I would go back and try to gain some perspective (she had raised him and lived with him all those years, I thought she might have some good tools or advice). Nope, just more of the same- hang in there, it will get better. It got worse and worse. I stopped having lunch with her. I came to realize that she was just working me so I would not leave because she knew if I left, she would have to deal with him again...(and its true, she has since I left) I was angry for awhile but now I realize that she did not know what else to do. She is clueless and in the disease and lives in deep deep denial. I no longer feel badly towards her. I feel sorry for her. She has suffered so much and her father and mom were alcoholics, her husband is probably one and her step son is one, too. Its all around her. No one is in recovery.

I used to call people. No one wanted to have anything to do with it. No one would return my calls. No one would talk to me. They either wanted to have nothing to do with it or refused to believe me. I now recognize that I was insane to call anyone (calling was my disease). Everyone knows he is an A and everyone blamed me. Everyone knows he has problems up to his ears and now they were worse because of me. They were a lot smarter than me and just steered clear. I just wish one of them would have taken me aside and said- leave him alone and leave all of us alone. We do not want to have anything to do with him or you but no one could be direct. Again, its OK. I know who my friends are and who are not. I know who loves me and who could care less. I got to see lots of true colors and I am grateful for that.

Denial is a huge factor- either people do not want to know or blame others for the problem. Most people want to stick their head in the sand (god knows I sure did for a good long time). Some one told me recently that on our wedding night that this step mother in law said: "thank god he is not my problem anymore"

WRONG!! He is her problem again now and NOT MINE!

I am glad I got away and got help. I love being in recovery. Hugs, J.

PS: I no longer talk about my A to anyone except program people and friends. And the more I work my program the less and less I do of that, too. Afterall, the focus is on me, not him.

-- Edited by Jean4444 at 02:51, 2008-02-13

round3 · Senior Member

Ddub - all families are different and their level of understanding of the disease aspect of the situation is different. I never talked to my family and friends about the situation when I was living in it - I did go to al-anon, which was the only place where I felt safe to "unload" a little. My family understands recovery, but I also know that once you tell something negative to someone else, that they remember it forever. Long after you've dealt with it and moved on, they're still remembering it and processing it in their own personal way. I wanted to avoid that.

I did, however, contact my A's sister one time (his family lives out of state). And that was during a time that I was putting him out and I feared he would be homeless. I thought it was only fair to inform his family that this was about to happen. (If someone were putting my brother out and leaving him homeless and ill - I would certainly want them to contact me.) His sister apparently contacted his brother, who called me. His brother was very aware of the disease and the patterns and had some very firm boundaries. He told him he would come get him IF HE WAS SOBER. A got himself into rehab long enough to sober up and his brother followed through on his promise to come get him.

In my way of thinking - family members are on a "need to know" basis. And unless they are in a program of recovery, there's very little they can "do" to help the situation or bring comfort to you.

All that being said, I understand where you were coming from when you contacted his brother for support. Sometimes we get to the point where we're "grasping at straws" to get some help with our situation - or at least some support. If they know their brother at all - then it's certain that they don't think anything less of you for calling.

Take care,
R3

ddub · ~*Service Worker*~

thank you all for your replies. I guess at the time of my calls, I had less al anon info and didn't have the contacts I do now from f2f meetings. I would know now to call al anoners or post here. I think you are all correct in the fact that there is not much extended family can do and they are aware of situation so I will leave it at that with no apology extended for worrying them.

Thanks R3 for understanding, Jean for the reminder that as I work my program there will be less need and Debilyn, that if they're not in al anon, most won't get it anyway. You all are great! hugs, ddub

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi ddub,

Getting into my thoughts once again....(but just now do I have the opportunity to respond)

My ah's sister is a good friend of mine. She is my ah's older sister, a girl with 3 brothers, and is a tough one. She used to defend, ok, beat up other kids, to protect her baby brother.

She actually staged my ah's intervention (and involved his brother), picked his rehab, has been intimately involved in all the dirty details, listens to my ah's woes... so she knows what is going on. But, I recently stopped talking/confiding in her. Why? She just doesn't get it, and after I talk to her, I feel horrible. She does not do it on purpose andshe loves me dearly. But, she still puts a lot of credence into what he has to say, and while she doesn't blame me, she doesn't see things the way we in al-anon do. I have left her the al-anon book, left her an AA speaker cd, invited her to meetings, all in hopes of her reading/listening to get some idea of what alcoholism really is and the part al-anon plays. Subtley through her actions, she's told me, she wants no part of it.

The rest of his family knows of the aism, and I just recently informed his mom of his other sick "behavior", however, that was only after her badgering me for details about our divorce (details that don't exist yet) and I cracked!

MY CONFESSION and twisted thinking: Deep down I still believe that others can do what I have been unable to do, and that they are just too chicken to help me. Since I am the one that is blamed and at "fault", and they are more neutral, I think they may hold more credibility in my ah's eyes. Silence is making his bad behavior acceptable.They just need to make an effort, and as far as I know they really don't because it makes them and him uncomfortable, and THAT bugs me!! What it comes down to is that the disease is just too powerful, and sometimes Ijust want to scream out to somebody/anybody to help me! This is all in relation to the affair, not the alcohol/drugs, but I know it is an addiction too, thus the same principles apply.

I know something that frustrated me was that my ah's family seemed to be naturally applying al-anon principles, stating "I can't control him", or "he has to decide for myself", and while I realize ultimately it is true, it is more of a cop-out for them than it is program principles. They feel uncomfortable and helpless too.

So, while I still talk to extended family a bit, I've decided it is best if I save my heartache and vents for program people. And, yes, deep down I know that it is all up to my ah and that we are all powerless. I still haven't mastered step one.

Blessings,
Lou

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