So, I am again in financial straights. I am seeing the pattern (FINALLY!) and am trying to figure it out. Ok, I am 56 dollars overdrawn in my checking. And that is all I have. NO savings, no IRA or 401K or credit, nothing. I live paycheck to paycheck and that doesn't begin to cover living. It really should stress me more than it does and it might very soon. My mother finaces the rest of my life. She has paid for my gas for years. I have hated this for years as she uses it as an excuse to verbally and sometimes physically abuse me. And for years I just took it as it was the best I could do. But I have grown sick of it and stopped putting up with it and have basically cut all contact with her. The only connection we still had was the gas card. The only connection we ever had was money. She used it to control me and I allowed it. Talk about dysfunctional!

 Today, I drive 30 miles to the gas station that I know has semi-real food and dog food and cat food. I had gone to this particular one once before and the lady that was working was very nice and chatty and had LOTS of well meaning advice as to how silly I was for paying 5 bucks for trash bags when I could go to the grocery and get them for a dollar. Now, I know this and it makes me literally sweat to pay 2dollars for ramen when at the store it is 10 for 2 dollars. I am not stupid, just poor. What a crazy cycle! But this woman was nice she didn't make me feel at all stupid. Still, it is a stressful thing for me to begin with, drawing attention to the situation does not help. As I am driving there today I am praying that she is NOT there and that there is $ on the card (really embarrassing when you get all that crap up there and they check it all out and then the card doesn't work!). Me and the youngest, shop around and sure enough, there she is, checking me out and giving me the lecture about the insanity. But she was so kind and I explained that I have no $ etc. She looks at me and says "You're a single mom?" and I say yes and she asks about the kids and wouldn't ya know the damn card is declined. AAGGHHH! So, the little one and I start putting the stuff back and this woman goes in the back room and loads up a bag with all this milk! Stuff just past the expiration date. Then she takes me out to her car and gives me a bag full of crackers and cookies that her BF gets for free cause he works at a snack factory. And as she is giving me the stuff from her car she is telling me about her life. She looked me in the eye and said "I ran from an alcoholic." Needless to say I almost burst into tears. I said "me too." and I gave her a hug. She shared a bit more and I was just so overwhelmed as I left this little convient store 30 miles from where I live. To find such kindness and love and respect too. The things she said were all said with such respect for me. I was stunned. I don't know if she knows anything about this program but she had been effected by this disease and she knew. She just knew. She paid it forward and I can't wait to be able to do that for someone someday.

 Then I had called a neighbor and left a message to see if she could watch the little one as I had a Dr's appt that I had already reschedualed 3 times. As I left the store, feeling this really strange feeling and trying to process it, my neighbor called and said no problem to watch the kid! I was so overwhelmed. It just seemed like I was so taken care of from every angle. Like HP was showing me that if I truly let go of the abusive people, break the cycle, do it differently I will still be taken care of. Maybe strangers won't pay my gas bill, but I can. I can do it. If I make room for kindness and love it will come.

I just had to share this with y'all. I had no where else to share because my best friend always gets stuck on the "your mother is such a b****! Why don't you just stop using her card?" Which is true but I get why my mother is a b**** and I get why I still use her card. She is a b**** above and beyond me using her card and like I said, it was the only connection I had with her. Giving this up means giving up my mother. That's the way it has always been. Whenever I stop asking her for money or using her card, the abuse escalates and the cycle begins again. Imagine the only way to get anything from your mother is thru money. It is sick and complicated. But the thing that really touched me today was the kindness of a stranger. I just can't wait to be able to do what this woman did for me today.