The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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As a direct result of the very violent relationship that I experienced as the battered wife of an A, I have found it really difficult to even contemplate a loving relationship that might result in my finding a husband that I can go through the rest of my life with.
I saw my marriage as being a union for life. That my vows were forever binding - said and pledged before God - 'til death do us part'.
To this day, I have been too scared of any proposal that I have received from another man, too scared that he might turn out to hurt me, abuse me and demean me beyond self recognition.
I want to believe that there is a relationship out there for me after my marriage and divorce from the A; although I am scared to look for it, and have no idea how to go about this, even if I had the courage.
I know in my heart that I would love to be able to love again and find a happy relationship and a good man to share my life with. Somehow I feel I am far too late for this to happen and that it will never be an option for me at this late stage even though my heart yearns to love and be loved again.
How do I learn to love and trust another to be intimate and loving and giving and sharing, when I have experienced such deceit, violence and abuse both physically and emotionally? HeartB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Wow HB I am in a similar situation. But I am not yet at the point of really wanting it. Yes, I really desire to give and receive love but I know I am not yet ready. I wonder if I will ever be able to trust again. Even trusting myself is hard these days. I guess that's what it boils down to. When I am fully able to trust myself then I will be ready to have a relationship. Today, I question myself and my reactions. I don't trust myself that I won't just fall into someone's arms just because they're open despite the red flags. I have spent my entire life either not being aware of the red flags or purposely ignoring them. But the more I learn about myself, the more I fall in love with myself, the longer I give myself to regain the trust I lost in myself, the more prepared I will be to find what I am looking for. Or even be receptive to receiving what someone else is offering.
I heard a story on NPR the other day about a couple in their 80ies who found each other again. They were sweethearts when they were kids, teens for a very short time (in the 30ies). They never saw each other again after that summer but they never forgot each other. They reunited and ya know what the woman told her daughter? She said "he looks like an old man!" and her daughter said "well, he is and you are an old woman!" And they laughed. It was a really cute story and it really spoke to me. Love is ageless. Our hearts don't shut down because we turn 60 or 70 or 80. We are still ourselves (God willing) and we find love when we are supposed to.
If you are ready, if you want it, take a peek. See if you find anyone that sparks your interest. Maybe you will find a few people who will spark your interest. Test the waters. You might not find "true love" on your first try. Very few are that lucky. But you might have fun looking!
I felt the same way about my marriage. I felt that when we were married we created something a bit bigger than both of us. Something that we both needed to nurture and tend. His disease did not agree. When we divorced, that thing that was our marriage didn't just stop existing. It is still there and always will be as a memory. If I am lucky, I might be able to create that again with someone who is not diseased.
You are a beautiful, wonderful person who deserves the very best kind of love and respect. And I believe you will get it.
HB, I sometimes think about this, briefly. To be honest, I am pretty happy on my own 85% of the time.
I think I am learning to trust through al-anon. When I attended my first al-anon meeting, I could not make eye contact with anyone (in the meetings or out of it), rushed in late, left immediately afterwards and never spoke. This went on for at least 6-8 months. Then I began to share. I felt safe for the first time in a very very long time. Bit by bit, I have gotten comfortable enough to be myself in my meetings. I feel safe enough to "come out of my shell" a bit. Now I can sit and chat with other members before and after the meeting. I can give and receive hugs. I can make a little eye contact when I share in the group. I do not share all the time but I do many times. I am beginning to feel comfortable actually calling others and having others in the program call me. This just began a month ago. I never wanted to bother anyone with my problems and I honestly did not trust others to turn on me and use whatever I said against me like my A had done time and time again.
My heart is not closed or shut down. Just because I am not interested in an intimate relationship does not mean my heart is closed. My heart is open to my sister and brother in law, friends, my mom, I really am in love with what I do, the incredible environment I live in, the beauty of nature, etc. My heart rejoices tremendously!
A-ism really wreaks havoc on our sense of trust. Mine was not good to begin with because I was raised in alcoholic home and never knew who was safe and who was not in the shifting sands of my family dynamic.
I was also in a DV situation and I left because of DV. This is a great discussion point. I honestly feel like I have had so much negative/horrible relationship stuff happen in my life, enough for several lifetimes that I feel like if I never fall in love again, its completely OK. My parents had a horrible marriage. So many people do...I really feel so good about my relationship with my HP- this is enough for me (well, I will need to get a cat or two perhaps). Love and hugs, J.
I can only share with you my own personal experience on this matter.
I too came from a very abusive and violent marriage (hubby #2). I had nightmares for many many years over it.
My biggest problem is although I worked a program of recovery from my alcoholism/addictions, I refused to look at my codependency issues and turning to Alanon for a loooooong time.
I did go 'looking' for love. The problem was I had never truly addressed the things within self that had lead me to hook up with an alcoholic/addict in the first place.
So, with my 'man-picker' still broken, you can guess the results of relationships for many years, and they were abysmal. Apparently I still hadn't worked on self enough, and guess what? I STILL picked the ones who weren't there for me.
I rationalized in my mind that none of them were like the ex-they didn't drink/drug, or beat on me, so I was making better choices, right? NOT!
Every single one of them were emotionally unavailable and were emotionally and/or verbally abusive.
Today I don't worry about looking because that is when I get into trouble.
I'm rather at the point where I can honestly say I don't care if I ever have another relationship because it has been a great journey with me, and I have learned so many tools in the program that allow me joy and serenity in my life.
If some decent fellow enters the picture down the road, well...I'll cross that bridge if/when I get to it.
Today I don't worry about the future but continue to focus on today and what I can do for myself.
I have faith in my HP that things will happen as they should
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
