The material presented
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I kicked my husband out of the house 10 days ago and every day I feel different. I miss him and I don't. I just feel so weird. I can't decide that I have done the right thing or not, now that I have leveled out. I crack a tooth and needed emergency treatment, guess who I rang when I didn't have enough money? Guess who immediately paid, no questions asked? Is this me wanting independence instead of co dependance ?And am I married to a very nice man who loves me and cares for me, but happens to be an alcoholic and can't help his behaviour? Oh God what am I doing? Is this REAL insanity? I don't hate him, don't want to be with anyone else, just hate alcoholism. But he lets me treat him so bad, after what I did in kicking him out, asking him for money...and he didn't even question it, just paid....Isn't that what friends do? He's nicer to me than I am to him.....sometimes.....
"And am I married to a very nice man who loves me and cares for me, but happens to be an alcoholic and can't help his behaviour?"
Above is quoted from your post. I have asked myself this question many times, and my answer is always the same...YES! Nevertheless we must set boundaries and be prepared to keep them.
No, you are not experiencing insanity...not yours anyway. You are simply reacting in a totally human way to having to set limits on someone you love. It isn't easy. I know.
You say, " I don't hate him, don't want to be with anyone else, just hate alcoholism." I understand completely.
"He's nicer to me than I am to him.....sometimes....." you say. Yep. Mine too.
It is difficult. I often think it would be so much easier if my A were a foul-mouthed, drunken, abusive, law-breaking slob. I could show him the gate and never look back. It's when they are kind, gentle, funny, elegant, loving, generous, agreeable, smart, well-groomed, nice, good-to-the-animals, etc., etc., that makes it so hard.
*sigh*
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
"I don't hate him, don't want to be with anyone else, just hate alcoholism"
He's my best friend, father of our kids, and all the good stuff. But I haven't figgured out yet how to live with his disease showing up unexpected every time or popping in to ruin something. Somedays, I too think I need to be separated so I can get well myself and then be strong enough to live in this environment but it hasn't got to that point yet for me.
I am still hoping to get better for me by working the steps, attending more f2f meetings, calling someone when I want to open my trap about old anger or unresolved resentments or his current irritations - then I can try to defuse the issue and try an al anon tool. It is hard work but I have some hope that keeps me moving forward. He really tries to do and be differently but then he passes out again. Somedays I can even have some compassion for him and how this coping mechanism snuck up and bit him too. You are correct, reality bites.
This will always be this way, most likely, for him so I am working on any change I can make to make this as good as it can get. Those changes are all about me. I hear ya, it is really really hard - but it puts loads of emphasis on the can't live with them and can't live without them phrase. Hang in there, you are not alone. hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
But he lets me treat him so bad, after what I did in kicking him out, asking him for money...and he didn't even question it, just paid....Isn't that what friends do?
You can put the big stick down and quit walloping on yourself, okay?
Have you forgotten what it was like living with him and the insanity of his disease? Don't confuse setting healthy boundaries for yourself and your own sanity, ie 'kicking him out', with you being 'bad'.
As for giving you money without even questioning it, that's a cunning manipulation to throw more guilt at you than you already have, and you picked it up, didn't you?
You are a child of God, and deserve to have peace and joy in your life.
I hope that some day you come to truly believe that. (((hugs)))
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
For me it was my own uncertainty that always got to me. My sponsor on one occasion that I tossed my then active husband out asked me "what did you do that for?" I said because I cant stand the BS anymore. She continued to question me about why things would be different in 3-6 weeks when I take him back. That was a smack in the head - we had obviously had been down this road to many times with nothing changing. I allowed my uncertainties to take hold of me and yes always took him back. But nothing had changed in him or me so it wasnt long before we were back at the old grind of it all. I would get mad at myself for it, take it out on my husband and kids. My husband did his thing and nothing changed.
It wasnt until I started really walking the walk of this program that on the last occasion I put my husband out that I was able to set clear and concise boundries for him to ever return. It was difficult and I sometimes second guessed myself (the what if he never comes back thing). But what I imagined didnt happen. I got stronger - he got sober and into recovery. We still have issues but we work through them.
I guess my point is - that after all the ins and outs I always knew the kind of person he was - a kind loving man trapped in a disease that took over his very being. As much as I hated the disease I discovered that I did not hate him (took some time to untangle that one). But I had to take care of me and sort out who I was in order to see any of that in him or us.
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
I think its pretty normal to feel out of it when you try to set boundaries with an A. I tried for years. I set lots of limits, he walked on all of them. I also, like you, always called and brought him back in. Eventually for me at least it all became too much, there were too many boundaries crossed, the consequences of his actions were too huge for me anymore. I could no longer try.
For me the letting him go and calling him was part of the process. I don't think it is crazy at all. For me it had to get super bad before I could say I had had enough all the more reason for me to have better boundaries these days.
No it is not insanity. It is setting boundaries and saying what you are prepared to accept in a relationship.
Sure you may say he is nicer to you than you are to him, he sounds like a beautiful person with a huge life threatening disease ALCOHOLISM and that is the crunch.
Stay strong, remember, if you set the boundary, it will do neither you nor your A any good to move the goal posts at a whim.
He has to go through this and make the decision for himself and accept his disease and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT or lose something very special. You need to be kind to yourself and realise why you made the decision in the first place and not be hard on yourself.
I think you are doing great and I am encouraged that you can be so positive in this awful mess that alcohol makes. I would like to be able to say the same about my X-AH but I cannot, he was not a wonderful, gentle, thoughtful man but a brutally violent and self-centred man with a huge chip on his shoulder that he never conquered and still has today. Even though I loved the man I married, and am still in love with that man, he changed into something I never dreamed of and I lost the love of my life.
Keep going Silverbrumby, it does my heart good to hear how beautiful people work through this programme too.
HeartB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
But he lets me treat him so bad, after what I did in kicking him out, asking him for money...and he didn't even question it, just paid....Isn't that what friends do?After a while in recovery and as a result of it (some sooner than others) we come to understand that we were and are loved and surprise Alcoholics are also loving people (with a life threatening fatal disease) and they are generous and caring too. In the heat of it all when the anger and hatred and manipulation and control all fertilized with fear is raging we cannot see it. I didn't even come close and so I missed it all even the parts where I was being loved and cared for. I treated her bad and she told me "I know. I deserve it." This increased her pain which then increased her drinking. Cunning Powerful Baffling.
When I learned how to love that included myself. When I learned how to forgive that included myself. When I learned that things had to change that included myself.
I can make myself ill thinking about how I treated her and others or I can make myself better. That is why I am here and why I stay and learn.
The apology and amends subject is very worth learning about and following up with. Thanks for the share.
Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
Just an after thought....were you too fearful to say thank you?
I stand amazed by this program. Once again I am bowled over by a tsunami of wisdom and experience but never do this or do that. Thanks guys. That little person one my shoulder says," But you're different, your situation is differerent to these ones". The person on the other shoulder says "You are unique, your husband is too, but the disease is the SAME! I did all the right things, thanked him for the money graciously and promised to pay it back. When I waver now I am reminded that if I call it all off (which he is hoping for ) I will see no change. I am actually sleeping better on my own, who would miss that horrible smell of boozey breath and cigarettes? I wake up refreshed and light. I can think clearly about me and him and who we are. There are glimpses of light and positive feelings. My son is quite chirpy. Dad gets him on the weekend for a few hours and that' s more than before anyway LOL! I' m going to make it through this. When I do, I am going to be able to say that I followed something through for once in my life. I am exercising daily, eating healthy, keeping in touch with friends and starting a job. Thank God, it's okay for something to be about me!!
Silver - gosh do I understand that "I miss him and I don't" feeling. No-one among us misses the bad times, the sad times, the hopeless times, the chaotic times, the "boozey breath" times. But, like yours, my A is a very nice man. One of the good guys, who is sweet, gentle, funny, and smart. At different times in my life, he was my very best friend. One of the best friends I ever had. I miss the good times with him. So when the disease encapsulated him, it left me feeling hurt, angry, bitter, betrayed, alone (name a negative emotion, and I had it). Then the guilt for being less than "wonderful" to him would make me feel horrible. So then I would over-compensate and try to take care of him. And around and around we would go. Vicious circle.
I see nothing wrong with what you did. He's still your husband - and something tells me that if he needed money for a cracked tooth - and you were able to give it - that you would have done the same. You're still human, for goodness sake.
Good for you for holding firm on the boundaries you set with him. How are things ever going to change between you if nothing changes? You're taking a positive step - and sounds like you're really taking care of you and stepping back into your life.
