The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi family,Some of you know that my first husband of 26 was an A. He was killed in a pedestrian accident.
He was at a major event here in Oregon setting up a band my second husband played bass in.
Sadly he left the mountain setting,walked to the nearby tourist restaurant and drank hard stuff. Got on the hiway to hithhike home and was hit.
Anyway until a few weeks ago I always felt a sense of guilt for it.
I found he had driven drunk with our two babies and told him to leave. It was awful. It was a few nights after that he was killed.I loved him, and at the time we were so young we did not know he was an A.
We never got to make up or talk it out. I have blamed myself for so many years. I hurt his feelings. He was a great daddy and a fun,sweet husband.
Anyway isn't it strange how long a person can carry bad stuff around? Can you imagine how an A must feel with zillions of things they feel guilty for?
I don't know what made me not figure it out for so long.He died July of 81!
It was such a strange feeling when it hit me. I was up walking on my mountain with the dogs and a few pigs, my mind thinking of him. How he would have loved to see his grandson.
Thought about it was not my making a boundary, but the dang disease is what killed him.
Anyway just sharing. hugs,debilyn ps tt if you read this, this is awareness not analysis....hugs
I have felt responsible for everything my entire life. I have my own disease in that way. I have also not allowed myself awareness that the disease is there.
Debilyn - that's a lot to carry around. And you're right - compared to what we al-anoner's carry around, I can't imagine the weight that the A carries. Many carry with them a lifetime of disappointing the folks that cared the most about then - over and over and over and over..... that's a very heavy burden. One that kills many of them if they don't get into recovery.
No - we don't kill them with our actions or inactions. They are going to choose the path that they choose. Just like we do.
I'm so glad you're here, Debilyn, your ESH is so valuable to me.
Sometimes it just takes a long time to reach acceptance when something special is lost. Guilt because you played a part is natural I have come to learn in recovery. I missed out in that feeling because I protected myself so much with denial and irresponsibility. It's hard for me to comprehend someone carrying guilt for 27 years and then I know that is true and for some longer. If he wasn't drunk he may not have placed himself so near to fatal danger and the loss of a life, wife and children. If he was anything like me today he would have loved to see his grandchild like I do...all eleven of them and 2 more on the way and a couple more after that I bet. Or then maybe it wouldn't have been the car that helped take his life; just the booze. It's another tragic loss by this cunning, powerful and baffling disease.
Jerry he was a lot of fun. I really should not say he was A. We were really too young to know yet.
yes there are more good memories than hard ones. I fell in like and love with him because he was like me,loved to play. It is hard to find a man who likes to hike along rivers, look under rocks for creatures at the ocean, go ride horses, someone who could have fun doing nothing.
Back then I did not see any man but him who carried our kids in a front and back carrier. He was from Louisiana from a family of fourteen kids.Yep my blond hazeled eyed southern boy.I still miss him,even more as I know what we have missed.
Just to say, praise the Lord and alleluia. I know what it is like to carry guilt around for years and years. I know too, how it feels when you finally realize that the guilt is NOT yours and you are relieved of it. Letting go and letting God take the burdens that are not yours to carry.
You are a remarkable person and I am delighted to count you among my friends.
Sending love rather belated, you will have to excuse me for being so slow to respond.
HeartB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
