The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been doing some "soul searching" tonight. The last year of my life has been one big, ugly, merry-go-round. I have had every emotion know to man and woman, I've felt, jealousy, fear, pain, anger, hate, I've cried buckets over and over again. Resentments oh WOW I've had my share of them also. So, what has caused me to feel like this in my life......
I have a "void" inside me, and I have been on a "mission" to find someone or something to fill it. I have tried several different things, material things, cars, clothes, ect. I have also tried to make over myself, new hairstyle, new image, .I have been described this year as "sexy" "A very desireable woman" "Gorgous""..lol
Has Any of It filled that void.....nope....
So, next option, I joined a dateline to get over the Alcoholic in my life. It went well. I met four nice guys over the space of the year. But I kept hitting the same problem.."They rejected me", I fell to pieces, my self-esteem crashed, I felt worthless, unlovable, ugly, Why did no-one want me, (ok pity-pot), But these were my "thoughts", My actions were the same every time, cried, never slept, never ate, became listless, and a whole lot slimmer. Eventually I would get over the pain of "rejection" and what would I do then????Yep, I would walk open eyed right into the next "date", always with different "expectations"...But me being who I am, the results where always the same.
What I am seeing now Is, these guys did not reject me, I pushed them away. Because I never knew any different. I wanted to "Control" their every move. I needed to know "where, what, when, who with ect... Looking back I am now totally "amazed and shocked " at my Behavour's. I became the Alcoholic....I could "manipulate" "these guys so easily..
Today I am with a guy, he is kind, considerate, he puts my feelings first. He is hard working, honest (im hoping), he has kids and he is fantastic with them. He likes me, my humour, for who I am. I never feel inferior to him. I always behave just me, I don't feel I am not good enough for him. Just the kind of guy I have always wanted. Sooo What's the problem?????
I am the problem, we have a relationship of sorts, It's casual I guess. But I am continuesly "searching" for reasons for it to fail. For a reason to "reject, before rejection". I always have to do something to change things. Like why can I not just enjoy the moment??????? So, far this has been the best guy I have chosen, well, he actually chose me..lol
For the first time in my life I feel "really happy", "content", "in my own skin". I do not obsess over him, don't plague him with calls, text's e.mails. I am content to let him chase me. Or I was until now...
So. tonight I sat and I looked back over the last year and I saw things I had been hiding from. I am losing weight, have no appitite, get tired easily or don't sleep, am irritable, tearful on days, low mood on others. That tells me I am suffering from "depression". have had this before on several occasions, and know the signs.
So, for the last year I have been "faking it all", trying to move by the pain in my life. But jumping from one disaster to another. And making my whole life completely "unmanageable"....
I have no motivation for much in my life right now, especially "the fellowship", I have been neglecting face to face meetings. Not calling anyone, not reading CAL. Kidding myself on, go into the chatroom and meeting, sometimes share. I am officially "off" my programme, It "sucks, all of it"...
So, ALL of the above are my "problem"........And my "solution" is this::
First of all go to my GP, explain how I'm feeling to him. I would like to go on my meds (they are non addictive and mild) just helps to slow the mind down a bit. Start back at my f2f meetings, maybe find an al-anon sponsor, read all my literature, listen to others online and f2f. I have the "tools" I know how to use them, I just have to get my a$$ into gear.
The problem I have is now with the relationship..What do I do????, Do I work on myself and just take it day to day, do I remain friends with him...I am totally lost as to this, all because he seems "healthy" lol (so he is an ACOA)
I guess I'm posting this tonight for a few reasons:
To let it all out of my head. To let newcomers know we do "learn" how to "manage" our lives in time. To see it all in black and white, sometimes makes it simpler for us. To share with my friends in the "hope" I shall receive some wisdom from them.
And most Importantly, because I am a member of the "fellowship" and that's why this board is here....We only receive help When we are "willing" to ask for it...
A, it sounds like you know what you need to do! You do not seem lost. I would just hold off on taking any action re: the boyfriend thing until you get your feet back on the ground re: meds and al-anon. I would just let it coast. It depends though. If you are close and you feel comfortable, you could share with him what has been going on and what you are going to do about it. If you think he would care or be supportive, you could let him in on some of what you are going through. If not, don't. I do not think you need to necessarily "do" anything except the things you talked about: going to the dr. and getting back into al-anon. Just take it one day at a time. I think its great that you know how to get back on track! LOTS of people do not have a clue about that!
And I just want to say that I do not like needing to go to meetings 3X week!! I hate it that I need al-anon, an HP, to call people, have all these books laying around everywhere, etc. But for me, its gone beyond all that: the fact is I need to attend and do all these things in order to be the best person I can be and have the life I am honored to live and deserve to have. Just the day before yesterday I laughed out loud and said : "I love my life!" out loud after something really cool happened. Its just wonderful. All thanks to this program (and some other things I do).
We all get off track. All we can do is hop back on! Hugs, J.
I really admire your courage, strength, and honesty. Wow. It sounds like you already know what to do. You are really amazing Ally. Thank you for sharing. I have learned a lot from your post.
Thanks for the honest share. A suggestion from me who has been there and done that also is; 1. Get to the Face to face with literature. 2. Find a sponsor with passable eyesight and great time and experience in recovery. (since body language is 57% or better of all communications do you really think you've been fooling or hiding from anyone? 3. Contact your GP after 90 days of "working" the program and see if you need med then.
I don't try to measure my recovery or my peace of mind and serenity by whether someone "special" is hanging around me. All of the special people in my life today are as human as I am and their body language tells me tons about how they are doing with life. I love them unconditionally and like having them in my life and being in their's and I don't need them. If they walk it's okay. If I have something to do with causing them to walk I may have something to apologize for or maybe not. Humans are just.....human; falible and imperfect and lots of time that's just plain fun.
Thanks for your courage. I have always liked that about you. Use it to get yourself back on track cause God knows you're worth it.
By the way I learned that there are lots of grey areas in life and they are the areas called "grace". Black and white are signs of rigidity...ugh.
I don't want this to sound hurtful or rude but I don't like walking on eggshells either, so I'll just say it. Please don't take this in any other way but in the spirit of ESH that it is given. Anytime our happiness depends on another person we are bound to feel that we failed. Happiness will never come by seeking it through someone else. If you go through a thousand men this year you can't find what you're looking for. It's kind of like the wizard of oz story. Many times what we are looking for in others is not there, it is within ourselves and always has been.
I recall you posting not too long ago about an Alanon group you had started and that you had grown to quite a few people by being determined. Can I suggest you find that same determination and allow room for Alanon AND a man if you must? The pattern seems to be either/or. Maybe by including both you'll be able to find a better balance?
take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Loneliness was one of the huge issues while I stayed with the A. Poverty was another one. I was too poor to go out on my own. I had no idea how to manage my loneliness. I still don't and still feel lonely but I don't feel like I have a hole inside me in the same way. I am wiling to "look" and know that looking may take a while.
I think for me recognizing what held me to the a is so so so key. I could not imagine why I could not leave him.
I work pretty hard on being connected to this group. That helps me tremendously. When I was in the middle of the A's never ending chaos I never was able to feel that connection as much as I do now. I know I can come to this group with anything and be open about my life. I have never had that before.
