The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this board and new to being in a relationship with an A. I read so many posts and so many stories and most of the time it scares me because it seems like it is almost inevitable that my A will not be able to recover and eventually i will have no choice but to leave. Is my hope that he will beat this and we can have a life together a naive hope? Should i give it up or should I hang onto hope? Does it ever work out in a positive way without a lifetime of heartache?
Concerned - Sure it does! My step-dad went through rehab and quit drinking in 1981 and hasn't had a drop since. He worked a good program and his family (all of us!) were in recovery as well (a vigilant aftercare program, and al-anon several times per week). Is he the norm? Well........no. But there are tons of success stories. His best friend today is a man he went through treatment with him back then - and he has the same story to tell.
On the other hand, my exBF A has been through more rehab and detox and halfway houses in the past 25 years than I have fingers and toes to count.
Both of these men came from similar backgrounds and educations. Both have similar personalities. Why did it "take" in the case of my step-dad; and didn't take with my ex BF? I HAVE NO IDEA. And I really can't spend any time getting caught up in the "why's" of this disease. It makes my nutty.
So if you're looking for a guarantee that your boyfriend will find recovery and the two of you will live happily ever after - then I'm afraid you've come to the wrong place.
His recovery is entirely up to him. In the meantime, you can do the things that you need to do for you. And determine EARLY ON where you bottom line is with him. And stick with it.
Concerned, glad you are here. When I first stumbled into Alanon, I thought I was going to learn how to make him stop drinking, THEN we would be happy and go off riding into the sunset. Not..... What I learned here is, take care of YOU. YOU are important, just as important as the A. If your bf is like my AH, they have a way of making themselves into mini-gods right before our very eyes. The words they say and their actions should not determine how we live our lives. When I first came here, I was focused on the stay-or-go thingy. I really loved him back then, and wanted more than anything to stay. The years of drinking and as a result, the verbal and mental abuse have taken an extreme toll on me. For me, today, it is not a matter of should I stay or go, hope or not hope...but to live MY life each day. The way I see fit. What makes ME happy. I cannot change or control my husband. But I can take care of myself and with help from HP, I can take care of my life, as I see fit. You do not need to make a decision today, unless you are in physical danger, or if you have children involved in danger. Also I learned to not make idle threats, things I could not follow thru with. Glad you are here. You will find many new friends, and hope. I used to think I would find 'hope" for him to stop drinking. Now I realize it is hope for ME. He has his own HP. I cannot wish for my AH what he does not wish for himself. Keep coming back. It is a process, it is not immediate. Love in Recovery, Becky1
Glad you got here and if you stick around for a while; listen, learn, practice and follow thru on suggestions (the one's you like first and then the one's you might not) you will come to hope as you understand it.
For me hope is connected to compassion, love and letting go and letting God.
When I started to learn about the disease aspect of Alcoholism I learned to drop my anger and blame at and of my alcoholic and feel sad for her and others who suffered from compulsive life threatening disease. I learned to have empathy for people who were sick.
When I learned love I learned how to accept my alcoholic for exactly who whe was including the disease without condition and reservation and myself and others the same way.
When I learned how to let go (of her and other people, places and things I had no power and control over) and let God I understood that the "one who had all power" was the one that should. I had tried to have things my way and failed. Then I lost hope.
I am no longer married to that alcoholic and still I love her and hope she is well and successful with all that God could ever give anyone that God loves unconditionally.
I have hope whether or not I am feeling happy or sad, angry or accepting, fearful or faithful or anything else. Feeling hope is a choice. I learned here that when I was feeling despondent, alone, dejected and helpless I was exercising my choices. I could change it anytime I wanted and I can.
I have the power to change myself and what I am thinking, feeling, acting like, my moods and physical status. Al-Anon is the best place (for me) to learn how to do that because the people who learned how to do it for themselves are here and passing on their experience, strength and HOPE freely without reservation.
You are at the right place.
Your alcoholic needs to be honest about his condition and willing to go get help from it from those who have it also and have learned and know how to recover from it.
We learn in the program that we have a part in that which is bothering us and making us ill. We need to find out what our part is, how it affects us and what we can do about it. Truth I have learned is that if she got sober and I did nothing about my self...I would still feel hopeless. My problem wasn't all about her and she wasn't completely responsible for the entire situation or my peace of mind and serenity.
How powerful that alcohol and alcoholism can lead us to greater health...if we reach out for it.
Welcome home. Stick around or in another way keep coming back (preferred). Listen, learn and practice, practice, practice and go ahead and feel hope. That's a great feeling.
((concerned123))) I felt the same as you when I found alanon f2f meetings and this board. So many people had left their As and some As had died. I so wanted to come to this place and find a solution. I have always believed every problem can be solved... till I came across alcoholism. My husband was sober when we met and now after 13 years of marriage has spent the last 8 binge drinking to where I FINALLY plucked up the courage to kick him out. When he was sober I endured all this weird behaviours that I have found out is the dry drunk syndrome. I cut myself off as I got caught in his powerful web. I have only been away from him 10 days and it is very hard. My one regret is that i didn't have the guts to make a stand years ago. But I had to grow to the point where I actually had the strenght to go through with it. Now I can...with the HPs help. Earlier, I would have fallen straight back into it. I know that if I take him back,nothing will EVER change. This way, I can heal, see clearly and stand alone and he may take the choice to recover... I have decided that that's the only way for me. The past 13 years has burnt into my soul what I will getting if I go back....God bless you keep coming back....God will show you what to do....It;s amazing this programme. Silverb.
Depends on your definition of 'working out". If by this you mean "Can I live a full and satisfying life, with meaningful relationships, serenity and love?" then yes, of course, the chances are pretty good that you can. If you mean "Will this particular alcoholic man and I live a life that fits my vision of a 'normal' happy life?" then, sorry, probably not.
Even a sober alcoholic who is working a good program is a sick person, who needs to be working on his health all his life. This may make him a much better man that he would have been if he was not sick, but it WILL make him different.
In order to get some sense of what recovery can mean, I urge you to go to open AA meetings, especially roundups and conventions and other 'big' events, where the chances are good that you will meet alcholics with good long term recovery. There are some remarkable people in both our programs, with real wisdom and real serenity, and it would probably help you to meet some of them.
For what it's worth, my husband sobered up at the age of 51, and had four sober years before his death. When he got the diagnosis of his final illness, some people expected him to go back out - why bother staying sober, when you know you will die in a few months? He didn't though - he died sober. In those four years, we had been able to come to some sort of healing, to forgive each other for the harm we had done in all the drinking years. This isn't the future I would have picked out for myself, but it's the one I've got, and it's fine.
Well for me personaly it worked out. I used to feel 100% responsible for everything that went on around me. More and more I see that I do more than my fair share most of the time. I did a lot to help save the A, in the end (if there is an end for some people there is no end to speak of) I walked away. I know that being on this board helped me tremendously. The end is not the end of the relationship, after all I go on after the relationship ends. So for me yes it did work out. I got into recovery. I got into taking care of me. With or without the A for me personally that was absolutely deadly.
