The material presented
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My AB gave me the best news 3 days ago. He said that he was going to quit drinking because he was tired of it and "tired of feeling like shit every morning". he said this as he was pouring all of his leftover beer down the drain. i was thrilled, but i remained calm and told him that i was proud of him and thought it was a good thing for both of us and i also told him that I loved him no matter what. I felt like my whole world had changed and after all this time of living under a balck cloud I could finally see the sun. I was in such a great mood, and it was SO wonderful to have him back. Normally after about 4pm i lose him to the beer, and the man i love is no longer behind his eyes, just a blank empty glazed stare. So needless to say, I was extremely excited. i got him several kinds of soda and snacks to give him soemthing else to grab if he wanted a beer, and he drank nothing but water and soda for 2 whole days. Then last night, before i came home from work he called and asked if I could pick him up a six pack of tall boys and i felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I agreed, mostly because i don't feel like i am his mother or his warden, and if he is going to quit drinking it won't be because i refuse to get his beer. So, finally, here is my question: Do I nag him or try to be supportive and help when he asks? Do I make him feel guilty or do I try to understand that this isnt easy for him? What do you think?
I understand how you are feeling and am so sorry this is happening to you. I have only been on the board for a month now but from what I've learned it is best not to nag or make them feel guilty. And that is the HARDEST thing to do. One thing that has stuck with me is the 3 c's...you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't change it. Therefore no matter what you say or do, it just doesn't matter. He's got to whole heartedly want it, and change it for himself. I am learning to just keep my mouth shut (most of the time), then a few days later if/when ah brings it up, I tell him (some of) my feelings.
I would be ELATED if my AH said he was quiting...but after a month on the board, I now realize that, in all reality, it would be only temporary. Therefore I am working on my expectations of him, I am trying not to set myself up for disappointment.
Keep coming back...take care of yourself, find the post on here that is "a letter from your alcoholic"...I have that posted right beside the computer so I can read it when I'm mad.
Don't take this wrong, but an A will find a way to get beer whether or not we pick it up for them. If they want it bad enough (and they do) they can get it themselves. I have not ever picked up beer or cigs for my AH. I don't condone it, so I don't contribute to it. He is grown, he knows where the store is. And, you are right, we are not their moms. So we need to quit acting like they are helpless, because, in my experience, they most certainly are not. They have a disease. A disease that will do anything, and destroy anything to survive. It gives me a measure of peace of mind to not buy his beer or cigs, even if he gives me the $$$ for them. I just don't do it. Never have, never will. Glad you are here. We've been where you are. Love in Recovery, Becky1
Don't "Should" on yourself concerned!!! What do you want to do? How do you want to react? Maybe this time, you can act insted of react? Talk to him, keep the communication open. I don't know what you "should" do. I was never asked to stop and get him beer. If I had been I think I would have just kicked him out rather than live with a drunk. He wasn't a drunk he was/is a crackhead....that I can live with LOLOL Just kidding. Just be gentle with yourself. Ofcourse you got your hopes up when he quit! Wouldn't that be a miracle? But, keeping the focus on ourselves is what the miracle is all about. Good luck!!!!
Hi I had to learn a long time ago that it really didn't matter whether my AH was drinking or not. What was important was that I was looking after myself and ensuring that i was living a life I could not only cope with but one I could enjoy. Personally I left when my AH's drinking reached a pitch I couldn't deal with. He said he'd give up. He did give up, but then doubted his own alcoholsim and went back just to see if it was a problems still. We separated for 2 years. I even tried not being in contact at all. Thankfully during that time he found recovery so today we are both trying to live our programs. Still not easy believe me. The ISM's don't go away. I just have to learn to accept who he is. So I think the answer is no to all of the above. The answer is to learn to detach. Detachment is all that worked for me. First for me was cold detachment until I learned how to detach with love. Do you have a courage to change book? The story about Pigeons on March 14th is brilliant. I read it constantly. If you don't maybe the site wouldn't mind if I attached it. Let me know mon123
Well an alcoholic is an alcoholic unless they are in recovery. For some of us there is some magical expectation that if we "try" hard enough they will love us enought o quit. Unfortunately life does not work like that. I know for me there were times when the A did not drink/use as much. I held onto those times like a lifebuoy. He was not always as bad as he became. For me the obsession with him cloaked my denial. i felt I could try to control him, I tried, good ness knows I tried, I raged, manipulated, mothered, gave and gave some more, I raged and raged and raged. None of those behaviors made any dent in the A. I left him he promised till the cows came home. I came home and he lied some more. I did not want to give up but really I gave up on myself. I put the relationship before me. I had to be in there somewhere.
This room will help you a lot to detach, work on yourself, take the focus of him For me that felt like taking my eyes off a train that was coming toward me.
His recovery is up to him. You can be loving and supportive of it, but it's up to him. I for one, do not get alcohol for the A. Not because I don't want him to drink. But because I feel bad when I did it. Your recovery is about you and for you, regardless if the A chooses sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. It's about living strong. How you should react to something is not up to us, but to you. We are not living your life. Only you can choose how to react to him. I choose not to react to him (most of the time, I am human lol) because it makes it easier on me. Why pick a fight when he's drinking? Been there, done that. Not going to do it again. I want to make my life as serene as possible, so I will do what is best for me. You have to do what you need to. However you choose to react we are always here for you. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
